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Completely. I feel like someone has run me over with a truck and then backed up on me over and over again.
In another random thought- I'm grateful for rowing this year. It is the perfect distraction- and my "demotion" is actually making me more aware of what I want to do, and where I started to "go off". Damn it if the past two years weren't in the shitter due to the work I was personally doing.
But before people get upset regarding that- it was my choice- and given that when I'm coaching I'm up from 5am-10pm daily it needs to be acknowledged that I have very little time in those months for basic things.
Right now I'm kicking myself for not having the house better prepared and my life in better order. So many things I have to deal with- and work is #1. Even above crew. The less stress I have the better which is why I'm enjoying the coaching more. I am not the one that 15 girls "whine" to. And I say "whine" not because they do- but in past years I by this point would be getting 10-50 emails a day, texts and phone calls... with my work- I cannot do that. I don't have the time or ability to split my focus like that. When I work I am hands on with a client and if I'm at a computer in between- I'm looking things up or I'm doing "surfing" where I can leave in a moments notice for the client. I don't have the energy to sit and answer email after email.
Which is why I'm liking this year- I go, I coach, I go to work, I go to yoga and repeat the next day. Granted with trying to generate more business I have to do more... but I am taking down time- my BP is demanding it. I think I'm actually going through another body shift- and it's a big one. I'm "puffy" to describe it. How I changed my diet so that I wasn't so dizzy made me gain like 8 pounds in two days (not that uncommon for me- but not my norm these last few years). It seems to be a similar stress response to when I was spending all the time in the hospital in Dec- only this time I'm not getting better- just things are shifting. I was actually gaining weight back then but that was due to crappy food, high stress and little to no exercise.
Now I have to finish my notes, go home- make a protein shake and rush to the nightly yoga. I look forward to tonight's class as it is a yin class which is gentle stretching in a room that is 104 and 45% humidity. Normally I'm doing a power class... but I'm SOOO looking forward to laying there and sleeping in some of the positions lol
Would you post your profile picture as horrid 80's hair? While the styles are similar now... they are not flock of seagulls similar.
Must not mock friends of friends...Must not mock friends of friends...Must not mock friends of friends...Must not mock friends of friends...Must not mock friends of friends...Must not mock friends of friends...Must not mock friends of friends...Must not mock friends of friends...Must not mock friends of friends...
One nice thing of working with a bunch of intuitives is that often even when you say things wrong- they get what you mean simply from the other signs you put out.
That is probably why I'm not as worried about how much I'm struggling right now, because I know I am surrounded by people helping me. Even here. That is what pisses me off about the people who "poo-poo" VR.
I actually was looking at pictures Silverbow posted on FB and realized- OMG Wolfbite is now an adult
O.O
When did that happen? I mean I've been watching small bits of her through Silverbow for years. That my friends is COMMUNITY.
That is why I get defensive and will not tolerate much of the crud that goes on that is destructive. Jokes, hurt feelings- well even in the best of intentions and communities they happen. All you can do is your best.
But those who are too immature to see how awesome this group of people are, and how much we truly know of each other- I feel sorry for you. Chances are you try to destroy the community you see, simply because you've never experienced it before. Hopefully one day something will mature you to the idea that some people are simply "real" and that yes, someone online can be a true friend.
I need to have the naturopath take my blood pressure. I just had 4 back to back dizzy spells while treating a client- one of which I almost didn't make it upright through.
I really hope this malaise stops soon. I slept 10 hours last night and then after a light lunch I slept another 2 hours today. This is after a 2 hour nap yesterday.
I have still been doing one workout a day approx 5 days a week but no two a days and very light on intensity. I simply don't understand why I simply feel so weak. This isn't an over training like I originally thought in July/Aug when I stopped the high intensity training as I physically felt the "nope too much"; this is deeper. For lack of a better description it seems to be bone deep.
It needs to stop and yesterday as rowing season is always a challenge for me and to be not even the first week in and reacting like this is a very poor sign. Right now we are at the lake for 7, we aren't even at the point where it is 5:30.
So the gathering for Mike went well- I'm glad as there were several last min changes in other people's schedules that could have been disastrous.
Today I'm exhausted. I think it's all the sugar that was in that cake. Sadly Costco here has changed the recipe that they make the icing out of. Instead of the wonderful buttercream they used to have it's now the sugary icing... and a total disappointment. :(
Now the messages and signs are coming from all directions.
A friend had a dream of a wolf that didn't want her to go to work. She didn't know if it was friendly or if it would attack her.
When she got to work there was a Moose walking around. Not doing anything but walking.
Interesting that she chose to tell me about it. More so that I read about it right as I woke from a nap and knew it has a different meaning for her than it does for me. And that yes, it was meant for me.
At least I'm starting to not like smoking again. It's about time as I was seriously getting annoyed with myself. Not that there isn't comfort in that physical connection- but it doesn't make communication any easier, still a part of me hopes I'm wrong.
About what, well that would be telling. Besides it is one of those so personal you fear that breathing it will give it strength while at the same point there is a protectiveness about it. It simply is. At least this time I don't feel like others are pulling the strings. This will be if it is meant to be- and if not, then life will simply go on as it has.
All I know is I need more sleep and I truly need some comfort as there is only so much work a person can do before they need to recover. And while I've had down time, I have not been granted much recovery.
I've had to do some serious juggling of funds to make it this month. And I'm simply not certain next month will be any better.
Today is Mike's birthday. Hopefully more people show up tonight as last year Garry got on Mike for not doing anything on his birthday. So Mike told people he'd be at a certain bar for the night... and then spent the next two hours alone- as no one showed. Even Garry wasn't able to make it, he simply was too sick at that point.
This year I bought a cake and "bullied" one of our friends into using their house (it is much bigger than mine) and said I'm bringing cake, invite these people I'll send word to these others... and those who can will show. Called another friend and told her she was picking Mike up. Everyone had a reason why it wouldn't work... BAH I said, I'll make it work.
I texted Mike last night that I needed an extra set of hands this evening, and that our mutual friend would pick him up. He was hesitant as he needs surgery for a hernia that just "popped out" a week and a half ago. (It's been one seriously fucked year for each of us up here, not to mention his Dad is still in the hospital and he went in when Garry did in Nov/Dec).
So at least this year there will be four of us, if not a few more. And damnit, we will eat CAKE!
I am seriously struggling here. It's gotten to the feeling of being trapped.
There is no solution at least at the moment- so it is something I simply will have to deal with. That doesn't make it any easier when you know there is much you need to be doing.
Today I'm going to try to get my old (as in early 2000) computer working so I can hopefully get more work done with my web site and such as it is KILLING me to not have a computer at home.
1. I fucking miss my social time here
2. I have so much work that I simply can NOT do from work.
And I have to try to get marketing out today, tomorrow and Monday to start generating more business.
Still I simply miss you, I feel it more acutely the more these things happen. Perhaps that is part of the trapped feeling- and at this point I'm fucking sick of people saying it will get better. It is not, it is getting worse. There are breaks in it, times where I almost forget- but in trying everything I've been trying I have to acknowledge this simply might be one of those things that will never fully heal. I've seen it in others- I've just never experienced it before.
Ironic really when you consider how physically strong and capable I am, that it is something purely spiritual that breaks me across all aspects.
But never you mind that, there are things that need to be done, change and then- perhaps then I will allowed some time. Yet I wonder, will I?
Not to just the passer by, but deep down in my private space- it is still permeated by grief. A part of me simply wants to shake it off, yet I know that would not solve or help in the long run.
I got a hopeful message from Marie about my visit this month. She's sick of the food they serve, and wanting some of our old staples... which were I there- we would so enjoy going through.
I have to tell her I can't come.
Two weeks, rowing season starts. I can't fucking go.
Now I'm very glad for the work permit. But it came the day AFTER I was supposed to leave the country.
They say a life well lived is full of the bitter-sweet.
I can’t begin to explain how tough things have been these past few weeks. So much is up in the air as I patiently wait for immigration to look at my file- still have not even done that. Have yet again said they were going to call my boss- still haven’t done that either (said originally they were doing it several months ago).
Work is very, very slow. But I only have myself to blame as I simply did not market last year. Honestly I don’t think it would have helped if I had. Looking back I’m amazed that I was even able to stay sane with the level of emotional trauma that was happening and the emotional/physical that I had to sit back at watch.
I had to give up my trip to Seattle. So I get to sit at home with an empty week- missing the aspect that my friend who is dying may not be there when I am finally able to travel. I have so much to do around my house and simply not the will to deal at the moment- extra energy is going to work. I’m not working out as much- a few times a week, but with going to the beach, staying up way too late and my wonky schedule I have been taking a break in many ways that I need. Since if I were in Seattle I would not have the space to work out I’m not too upset-it’s more the routine that I miss.
Good news- when I called to cancel my flight to Seattle I got to talking to the woman. I told her why I canceled the flight in December, and found the tears are still close to the surface. I also told her about Marie, and my hopes to see her at least one more time. Immigration- my never ending nightmare. Well she wouldn’t cancel my ticket- told me I would lose it on Sept 2, 2011 and to call back cause, “maybe something good will happen in the next two hours”…
When I called back to cancel two days later, the woman this time went through the loss of money, and ended with , “you need to complete your travel by Feb 12, 2012”.
“Excuse me?”
“You need to use this ticket by Feb 12, 2012…”
I so am sending tons of positivity to the woman that made that happen… because frankly it was something good that I NEEDED.
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