The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

You know how you end up in those cheesy family Chinese restaurants? Stuffing yourself full with god knows what dish, pausing only long enough to breathe and smile at your company, who in turn has to quickly swallow and stammer something about want a great dive it is. Everything’s fine, then the infamous cookie comes.



Suddenly it’s like you life is about to flash before you. Is this THE COOKIE? Does it contain some delicate truth about you that you just can’t grasp? Certainly not, for god’s sake, what is this, a movie of your life? Well, then. You calm down break open the cookie and eat it.



Nothing really special there. Just your run of the Chinese cookie mill, crunchy and rather bland. Then you read your fortune. Instead of standing up and yelling, “LIKE HELL! What is this!” You calmly smile again and ask what your date’s fortune said. And it never fails, they’ve received the infamous job fortune, “You will be given a great promotion soon”. To which you automatically add, “in bed”. You both laugh lightly, and then they oh so politely ask, “So, what does yours say?”



Great. What can you say to that? Should you make up some dumb fortune that has nothing to do with you, or do you share this tiny little piece of paper’s great truth that has you flubbering for a possible reason… WHAT IN GOD’S NAME DOES IT MEAN?! You don’t know and you don’t want to find out, certainly not with the perfect companion here. Christ, weren’t they the one that quite pointedly told you just 15 minutes ago how rude you are, just because you forgot to say please, and even though you say thank you every time. Isn’t this the same person who always seems to pointing you to your shortcomings, in a manner that always makes you feel childish? And didn’t they also tell you just the other night, how their friends can’t understand how they put up with you? OH GOD YES! This is just the person I am DYING to share my great truth with, heaven knowing what it means!



Calmly, you smile and throw some pointless, phrase like, “You do realize that it’s quite obvious that this fortune teller is currently unemployed.” Pausing, not certain you’ve made the right choice you mumble it.



“Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.”



That’s it. That is your earth shattering truth. Looking back on it only when you find the fortune in the bottom of a pair of jeans whose pockets you haven’t cleaned out since that night four months ago. Or in the junk drawer you’ve been meaning to clean out since you moved. Finding it, you remember quite clearly, how alive you were then, how you could and would do anything with your friends right there. You even miss the criticism, even though you were the one who couldn’t live with it.



An lastly you remember you companion’s response to this pinnacle in your life, “You forgot- In Bed!”

Of passion, I’m not very accustomed to it. I feel things so greatly; I forget that not everyone feels in such a large spectrum. I forget that friends are often lost by one word misspent. And then, though I feel better for exposing my true self, I feel the bitter cold of loneliness once more.



Not just the loneliness that one feels when left alone, no that would be far kinder. But the spinning spiral of one left to fend alone. Like a lost child, wandering through a house, jumping at the slightest creek of the floorboards. Something is dreadfully wrong. No physical harm, rather an emotional wound has occurred. There is no real reason, other than the fear of someone who knows and challenges you. To make matters worse, they remind you of one who did you, or rather, you wronged. And like that child running scared through their own room, you no longer see the room, but a vast castle that is cold, dark with too many crevices for strange creatures to hide.



And so you tear your soul away from your friends. Possibly the only ones who can help. Their other motives are your creatures hiding, waiting for that grasp on your flesh. While these motives exist, they are not for your harm. Instead, they would devour your friends, while you stood in fear. Friends may have fantasies, though they are constantly reminded of reality.



It is in this that their friendship lies. Wishing for a fancy cannot change the events of situations. Therefore, your friends cannot be any more than that, by device of self. So why then the retreat of soul from those who care for you?



I miss my friend, god knows how much I love you. It eats at me daily, but that pain can only go so far. A lover is rarely the support that we need, besides, you never loved me. You only loved what you wanted to see and know.



I should hate you for that. For not seeing and then ignoring it to save yourself. Why then do I cry, other than the simple reason: I need my friend, my love.

The following numbered entries (1-3) are from a script that I started many moons ago, and have yet to finish. Please keep in mind that these pieces are meant to be spoken/heard and the grammar reflects this.



There's a point where bitter sweetness turns bitter. I was sitting in my room when this feeling of loneliness accosted me. I don't remember how long it's been, but it's been a long time since I’ve known anything but bitterness. The world doesn’t move for me the way that I want it to. Things before were always so easy. I had faith. Anything that came my way only affirmed that faith. Love, loss every possibility was only one part of a lager puzzle of which I was apiece. Now, now I’m just angry.



It doesn’t matter who I love if words fail me, and they never know. What’s a trophy that sits on a shelf, but a dust collector. God know that my house is full of emptiness, things that mean so much, no one to share them with. It’s always for others that I do things, and yet where do they go when I need- back to their needs. Not that I blame them. I just hoped for so much more. I’d stay up late praying their words meant something.



I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched others and envied what they had. Not that I wanted to be them, but to know that there were others fighting for and with you. There’s nobility in that, being able to know the war isn’t being fought alone. The knowledge that there is someone next to you who believes the same.



What hurts, is when you think you’ve found someone with those same ideals, and they leave. It’s doesn’t take much for that wound to bleed. Like a strike to the head, the cut may not be much, except, the blood refuses to cease. It’s that loss that makes you weak. Not the pain of the scrape, but the amount of blood that you’ve lost. And you can’t replace it, you have to rest and let your body heal. In the same way when your love doesn’t see you, you bleed and continue to until you can’t stand. It’s when you fall that you see, no one. There’s only the flashing pain and the bustle of life trampling over you. Slowly, you find a bandage, lick your wounds and then keep on. However, with the lack of care your wound never heals properly. YOU think it’s fine. Seems fine.



Until you trip and find yet another has overlooked your weakness. You find that the bleeding is worse. And you and search for something the will ease the loss, till you’ve lost so much it’s ok. Delirium confuses your senses. Looking, you no longer se your wound as anything more than a scarlet ribbon. You even dress to accommodate your new accessory. Then the spinning sets in. You try to hold onto whatever comes your way.



When that touch you’ve longed for comes, you’re too afraid to respond. So you laugh and move elsewhere. All the time resisting. Fighting to hold onto that damn ribbon, though your heart fights to keep them close. You find through the fight that you’re maneuvering to keep the person safely at a distance; all the while your heart is screaming for things to go differently. You find conversations where there shouldn’t be, and the issues that need to be discussed just fall to the side. And then you explode. Your ribbon, that you’ve cherished so long, isn’t there. It’s a plain thin whiteness. It has a beginning and end, just a scar. Unsure of how to proceed, except the safe route of ignorance. Nothing will be wrong if you just don’t let it be.



And that’s when you walk into the mirror. And all that looks back at you is… a coward. You haven’t felt any different than anyone else, your mouth just stayed shut. Safe, always so safe. You find your friends, and just that. Your interest having gone off on their own search still cares dearly. As a friend. And the only person to blame, is staring you down in that mirror. Funny thing is, you still love. You can’t help it. Someone just forgot to tell them that you felt that way.