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Father …

Just another word for hatred .

Just another person that I’ll always put to shame .

For many years I was curious to why mommy told you to leave .

From all the pictures I’ve ever seen of you I thought you were good.

That’s what I believed .

I was convinced that a man with such a big smile

and loving eyes would never beat me just to hear my painful cries though you did .

But still I blamed my self for doing wrong

I blamed myself for wanting love and needing to belong .

Memories of sitting in a room at the age of four .

I can clearly remember you calling me a filthy whore

I can still recall the many countless beatings that you said I deserved .

Yet after every beating you’d say three little words .

Though they’re small word .

They completely meant the world too me .

I was young I needed your love .

It was like it belonged to me .

Yet still you beat me .

And still I cried I think your beatings ate my insides .

I think the day you promised to come to my to my 5th birthday

And never showed .

I knew you hated me and I hated you then

It truly ripped me apart .

That’s the day my hatred began to start .

Slowly a pain inside grows .

To this day I can’t say your name as if I completely know it

You have left my behind with out a care .

All of your actions showed it .

In your eyes I’m a plague that have avoided

Father , dad , David to you I’ll say I completely fucking hate you

Please go away.

Please die and wither to the nothing you made me believe I was .

Know that your not going to the heaven above .

I pray that you die to be sent to hell .

When I die and meet you there you’ll understand my hatred

Slowly the world around me caves in . my depression has yet again taken my soul as I thought it was mine . I no longer have control as pain pumps through my veins . The feeling of tears beginning to burst from my eyes . There was always a slight sting that came before they bleed a crimson red . the pain is unbearable and I long to use my rash decisions to guild me as a pain reliever . Those thought of the razors kiss will only be taken in vein . I will be banished back to a the hell call a hospital . I f I were to slit my wrist again .i knew the rule of how to make this slice worth while . worth enough to begin my slow and painful suicide but I am scared . I remember the time I ‘d begged for such freedom I prayed some one would release me of this world . And from this life . I was never so lucky . unfortunately my courage was none . it was almost one of my desires but the power to do such a sin wasn’t there ……..