The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Alone I break

At the bottom I take...

Loss of breath

Loss of mind

All that's left

Is losing time.



Don't hate me, please.



Remember the kisses,

Remember the hugs.

Remember two souls

Intertwined into one.



It's all over now,

Like all those before.

My muse is now silent,

Forever more.



I'm always alone,

Always will be.

I've been friend zoned....

All well... time for a new avatar. >•

"Paris is the only city in the world where starving to death is still considered an art."

xD I love the books I read.

"Babe, you're beautiful."

"Awe, thanks!"

"You're supposed to say 'no I'm not'"

"Why?"

"So I can say 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I be holdin a lot of ass."

O.O



Haha you're so lame. You love my big ass. So do I. :)

I'm tired of saying sorry.

I'm tired of apologizing for trying to be happy, or at least content.

I'm done. I make the decisions I make for a reason. If you don't like it, there's the door. Hope it hits your ass on the way out.

Fuck the people that don't care about my happiness. I'm sick of people only caring about themselves.



I'm me. That's all I can be. I'm a beautiful, strong young vampire. And though I'm still finding myself, I know I'm not fake. I'm a musician, and a damn good one. I'm not conceited, I'm confident. And if you hate me for it, fine.



But I'm going to be me. The best me I can be.

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xxEmaeraldxx
22:30 Aug 29 2012

Like!

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I'm sick of losing everyone....

I'm afraid to get closer to my boyfriend, who's been a best friend of mine for a year, because I'm afraid that as soon as I do, he's going to leave me like everyone else.

Even God has left me.





Am I destined to be alone?

If so, what's the point?

Okay, so my best friend's boyfriend (who I thought was my friend) thinks I'm faking being a vampire. -___- first off, I hate fake people and I'm not a hypocrite. So why would I fake it? :/

Not just that, but going through the Awakening isn't some really cool experience. It's scary. Especially if you're mostly alone like I was for most of it. It's crazy!!!

I want to confront him about it, but I don't want him getting mad at Sommer for telling me.

God, I hate humans.

And teenagers.

Teenage humans... *shudders*

Ugh, EIGHT MONTHS!

I'm so tired, yet I can't sleep.

Omg will someone knock me out?

So.... thedarkx, I love you. And I've been all for your coven since... like... forever.

But lately I've been reading up on the vampire masquerade, and I've gotta say, I'm impressed.

Idk... maybe I have a new favorite coven.... great now I have a choice.........

Hmmm.........

So today I had a seizure right? I bounce back pretty quickly. Thank yoooou Awakening.

But the emt asked what I want to do for a living, and I told him a professional musician. So he asked if I sing, and when I told him yes, he and the driver wanted to hear me sing.

I'm like "dude I just had a seizure and I have an oxygen nose thingie in. Imma sound weird!"

They didn't care. -_____-

So I'm like "okay, I guess." So I sing. The driver gives me a dollar for sounding so good. I'm like "dafauq?" Lolz

I love floridian emts. They're all amazing. :)

This morning, while sleeping over at my best friend's house, I had a stress induced seizure. A week before I. Was able to get my permit. FUCK!

I'm in the hospital, with a million wires in me, a needle in my wrist, pain in my head and tongue, and hunger in my belly.

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LolBethAngel
17:54 Aug 27 2012

I heard about that!

Are you okay? Sommer said you hit your head pretty hard.

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So I'm starting to question my faith in God....

It's not that things have gotten hard. I mean, it's life. It's going to. But if he's there for me, why do I feel so utterly and horribly alone? Aren't I supposed to be eternally and unconditionally loved? So why do I feel like I'm unwanted and worthless? I'm scared of the future, mad about the recent past, and horrified at the present.

I know I need to let all the hatred go, forgive thy enemies, blahblahblah, but I'm tired. And full of bloodlust.

I need a donor. I need to find myself......

I need God. But is He there? Is He really there?

I don't know anymore.

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LORDMOGY
04:04 Aug 25 2012

More and more people are feeling as you do. You are not alone in doing so.

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moonkissed
06:20 Aug 25 2012

Part of keeping your faith alive is your ability to find God in every situation, even the ones in which you feel alone. Sometimes even a sense of absence can be a sort of being since something cannot be absent unless it was there in the first place.

Maybe the answer is outside of yourself.

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ClippedWingedVampire
18:33 Aug 25 2012

Maybe.....

I don't know. Just at a time where eceryone is leaving me, why does He have to?

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So I'm in chorus, and we do some singing, to help the new kids find out what they sing (soprano, alto, tenor, bass) and since he's also the orchestra director, he knows me for playing the violin, not singing. He heard me for the first time today, and he said I have, and I quote, "A passionate, sultry" voice. Lolz, all we did was "meh mee mah moh moo" and soulfege. Lolz, I didn't know trying to find "re" could be called beautiful and sultry. Lolz.

I love you, Mr. D.

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LolBethAngel
17:50 Aug 27 2012

D is crazy :P

He said my violin playing is lacking emotion. I was learning the scales :(

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None of my friends are on my bus. I know I said I wanted to make new friends..... but so early in the morning?



English seems like it'll be cool. But I wonder about the teacher. She says shes weird... I wonder what she'd do if she knew how weird I was....



I'm stuck in band for a week. I'm not paying $210 for a class I don't really want. With a teacher I detest. Even if it takes a week, I'm getting the fuck out this class.



So today wasn't too bad I guess. Just long.

Got lunch with some friends. I'm going to be kept busy this year. Good. Being kept busy will hopefully keep my mind off Rick. I miss him.........

I'm semi breaking my isolation.

Only a few people are going to be able to talk to me. I'll read profiles and journals and stuff, but besides my story, I probably won't upload anything till at least Monday.



I fear for the safety of my human friends; I'm getting so thirsty I'm ready to just take the blood. I don't want to be that kind of vampire.

GAH! I'm just stressed, and my friends think I'm just being dramatic. How do I make them see? Do I just need new friends?

What do I do? T . x

A lot has happened recently, all at once.

I'm so overwhelmed, it's crazy.

I resorted to something I promised multiple people, including myself, I'd never do: I cut myself. It was an "R" for a my ex. It bled pretty heavily.

I'm ashamed. After talking to my friend, Ben, I've realized he's right: I need to learn to be happy alone before I can be happy with other people.

School starts Monday, so Saturday and Sunday, I'm alone. I'm not taking calls or texts, and I won't check VR or Instagram.

I need some meditation. I need to refresh my body and mind.

Meum spiritum et mentem sanari.

Soooo today at the mall I almost got into a fight with a group of humans. Not having blood in almost four months didnt help at all. They were being douches to my friends and I for no reason. They said I look like a man? Lolz i wanted to rip out their throats and drink their blood. Agh.... I had to go off and meditate. Then my mom wanted to give me shit. Grrrrrr I need a donor. Soon.



How do I deal with my anger and blood lust? I'm so pissed.

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Irontail
03:25 Aug 18 2012

red grape juice of welch's, going into the water tank or take a bath and cool off, or walk it off and train to cool off, then you got to feel loved by someone or yourself, have no expectations with anyone except yourself, but keep it simple



then find someone willing to love you to be a donor.

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ClippedWingedVampire
03:56 Aug 18 2012

Subs don't work anymore.

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"Dude why's your boyfriend gay?"

"I'm not sure he is."

"He won't fuck you. You're a hot girl. He's gay."

"Yeah.... he's gay."

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ladybriarrose
20:23 Aug 26 2012

If you're really a "hot girl" then never trust the opinion of a guy who refers to you as "dude". :-)

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Made a tumblr

Instantly regret it.

Lame.... xD

Should I get a tumblr?

What do you even do on tumblr?

Imma look it up on urbandictionary lolz

I know. I'm lame.



Would anyone add me if I did?

I'M FINALLY FINISHED AWAKENING!!!!!!!!!

I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT FOR TWO YEARS AND NOW I'M *DONE*





Someone, quick, throw me a party! Lolz jk I'll throw it myself. *parties* wooh!

So a lot is going on in the community.

*sigh* what' going on? I'm nervous. And overwhelmed.

UGH!

New meez prof!

In honor of my single self, I changed my meez completely.

energy_vampire

Add me :D



And a new yahoo acc. Just cause. :P

clippedwingedvampire@yahoo.com

Leaving my "mother" is something I've wanted to do for a long time. My sister did it and ended up fine. But tonight she talked to me about how she did it. It wasn't easy. It required a lot of luck. Something I don't really have. And so I have to kiss ass until I either get kicked out or graduate. Even if I don't walk, I've gotta stick it out as long as I can. And that hurts. Cause my "mother" was always really close to me. And now she could care less. I've learned that I'm actually better off getting kicked out than leaving.

This isn't about some teenager hating life blah, blah, blah.

This is about emotional and mental abuse. I was abused physically in my freshman year of high school. That was hard.

But here... its my MOTHER. Not adopted. Not step. Biological she pushed me out of her womb mother.

And I want to give up and die every day. But I can't. Then all the sacrifices my sister made, and everything I've been through is for nothing.

I've got a lot going on. But I'm going to make my senior year the best year I've had. I'm going out. And I'm going out with a bang.

A big ass motherfucken bang.



Its hard.

I'm scared.

But I'm ready.

Ready for life. Ready for school.

Ready for everything.



Now.... I need some blood. Seriously. I feel like I'm about to drop.

I really, REALLY want a chili cheese dog.

And chocolate eclairs.

Things are getting better. Hope they stay that way.

I hate drama.

And right now I'm drowning in it. And I'm crying like a little bitch.

God, I never wanted any of this.....

All I try to do is be happy.

And this is what it gets me: tears, pain, and drama.





What the fuck is wrong with this world?

I broke up with Rick....

I tried to make it a clean break but he made it really nasty. So I ended up crying a lot.

Thanks for my great friends.... they made it a lot better.

I really am starting completely over.

So this year I have a pretty great schedule. But it's going to change some.



1) orchestra

2) english honors

3) chorus

4) econ

5) band*

6) lunch

7) peer**



* is going to change, probably to 3D art

** teachers assistant



I can't wait...



ONE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

For those who feed off negative energy, I'm on overfill with it. I wantg to get rid of it, and have no constructive ways to... so...

Pm me to get it. We'll work something out. I really don't care who takes it as long as I don't have it.

I attempted it... three times. With three different kinds of pills. And I retched almost immediately all three times.

I called my boyfriend and a friend to say goodbye, cause my mother would never let anyone else read the letter, or read it to them. She might not even mention it, if I were to leave on..... my bf woke up, knowing something was wrong, and called me. After ten consecutive calls I had to pick up....



I can't even die right.

I fucken hate myself right now.

I'll probably be off VR for a few days. Either that or I'll. Be on ad nauseum.





If anyone feels depressed.... or the need to hurt themselves, come to me. My contact info is on my profile. I don't want anyone feeling like this.

Nobody deserves this. All the contact info is synced to my phone, which is next to my head when I sleep. If you IM me il wake up.

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SucideAngel
19:02 Aug 13 2012

ppl cant help how they feel

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ClippedWingedVampire
19:04 Aug 13 2012

My friend seems to think so.....

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I'm DONE caring.

I'm FINISHED trying to please everyone.

I will not only get off this godfuckingdamned pedastool, I will FUCKING DESTROY IT!

I'm tired of this.

I'm done.

Fuck them all.

Goodnight and goodbye.



Fucken sick of this shit.

Favourite song, even though I can't stand Taylor Swift, I love the Civil Wars:



I remember tears streaming down your face

When I said, "I'll never let you go"

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone"

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight



Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound



Don't you dare look out your window darling

Everything's on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold on to this lullaby

Even when the music's gone

Gone



Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound



Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh

Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh

La La (La La)

La La (La La)

Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh

Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh

La La (La La)



Just close your eyes

You'll be alright

Come morning light,

You and I'll be safe and sound...



Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh oh oh.

As everyone knows, humans tend to annoy me. My boyfriend, Rick, is a human. Though he has a demon in him, he'll never understand going through the Awakening.

And it's tough..... Idk.......

He assures me I'm going to heaven cause I'm this great girl, and all this stuff, but he refuses to believe that I've done bad stuff......

I'm confused about my relationship with him: I love him, and I don't want to lose him.....

But I'm tired of being alone. I don't know any other vampires offline.....

I really hate my life sometimes...............

I'm so scared, and confused, and alone.... and I feel like I have to be strong because my friends know me as the girl who can't be knocked down. The girl that has gone through seizures, and been raped and abused, and never lets it stop her from being her......

And I'm not that strong. I don't feel like it, anyway. I feel like I have to be stronger than I am for him, and my little sister and best friends.

How do I let them know I'm not that strong, and they actually believe me?

Even if they do believe me, how do I do it without letting them down?

I don't want people to put me on a pedastool, but my friends already have. How do I get off?

So my ankle is almost healed. This is one of the reasons I love being a vampire. :3

I've got an account on Second Life.

Add me:

clipped_winged_angel

I haven't practiced my violin in like a week and I miss it! School is 8 days away, so that means that seating auditions is in two weeks Dx

I suck at auditions, but I'm a good violinist, so I never sit where my potential is.

This year will be different!

So after I'm done with my Latin, I'm going to practice until I need food!

So about an hour.

So as a part of my Awakening, I had seizures. I haven't had any in five months. Does that mean I'm done? Or just that I'm close?

All I know, is I just have to get through this month and I can get my permit :D

17 and still no permit. All my friends that are old enough have at least their permit. I can't even drive my mom home when she feels bad, and that makes me sad. But when I get the chance in September, and $45, I will take the test. AND I WILL PASS >:D

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Sabastianthebat
23:19 Aug 12 2012

I hope those seizures happen no more for you. And I admire your positiveness in Sept passing that test! :D

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ClippedWingedVampire
23:22 Aug 12 2012

Trust me, I hope so, too. It's scarier than the Awakening, to be honest.

And I'm sure I'll pass cause I study it a lot.

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On the site, I'm not being stalked by anyone. I know I shouldn't care, but I feel kinda like people don't care. Of course, you're strangers that never have and probably never will meet me, but I still wish I got stalked T.T

I know. I'm lame. D:

All well.

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ladybriarrose
20:11 Aug 26 2012

You're being stalked. *smiles*

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ClippedWingedVampire
21:11 Aug 26 2012

Creeper alert! Lolz jk

:)



I wasn't at the time I wrote this. Now six people apparently think my life is interesting *lolface*

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It takes a lot to truly hurt me.

But being burned is one of them. I was doing my hair, and I just burned my knuckle (ouch! T.T) and my mom, who helps me with the back cause it's so short, burned my neck cause the flat iron's too big, but since I'm already starting to grow my hair out, I don't wanna spend $30 on a flat iron that's going to be too small in three months. So we just have to be careful, and try not to burn me. The hardest part is the back, cause my mom is really heavy handed, and my ear, cause I need my glasses on for the short part. I, luckily, am not going to need them long, seeing as my eyes are getting a lot better. :D

So the guy know. I'm pretty sure he won't mind me saying his name: thedarkx :3

He feels the same connection I do. And I love it. I feel like a kid at Christmas.

:D



My bf is glad I've found someone else to have a connection with. He's glad I'm not alone.

So am I.

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thedarkx
04:39 Aug 12 2012

I do feel a deep connection....

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ClippedWingedVampire
19:09 Aug 12 2012

Heehee you're amazing. :3

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I just twisted my ankle. I'm in so much pain T.T

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TheSYSTEM
02:23 Aug 12 2012

Ouch, get well soon!

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ClippedWingedVampire
02:27 Aug 12 2012

Thanks. Its already swollen :( so we're headed home to ice and wrap it.

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So I found out the meaning of the ankh symbol, and even though I'm Jewish, I want a tattoo of the symbol.

Is that wrong?



I know this is short, but I seriously want some answers. Ugh, religion is COMPLICATED!

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TheSYSTEM
00:23 Aug 12 2012

Most religions say no tattoos. You won't be burred in some religious grave but what's stopping you?



I have a few tattoos and I plan to get more.

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ClippedWingedVampire
00:34 Aug 12 2012

Its not the fact of a tattoo; I'm getting a few once I'm 18, and some piercings.

Its the ankh symbol. I'm just wondering if God'll hate me.

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TheSYSTEM
02:23 Aug 12 2012

Why would God hate you?



What brings you to fear God? O.o

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ClippedWingedVampire
02:29 Aug 12 2012

I've done the wrong thing so much, and no matter what I do, I'm attracted to the darkness.... but I really love God and being Jewish. Idk... I guess I'm just confused.

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TheSYSTEM
02:37 Aug 12 2012

Think you might be taking it too seriously.

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ClippedWingedVampire
03:15 Aug 12 2012

I don't see it as a religion fully. I see it as a relationship with Him, and I take my relationships very seriously.

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Soooo I'm obsessed with this guy on here. I won't say his name, in case he wants his privacy... or he'd be embarrassed by me.

But anyway, idk why I'm so obsessed with this dude, but its kinda scary.

But 1) he's sooooo hot! 2) he's really cool (well his profile is, he's ignored me like the horny school girl I am -_____-)

C) (yes 12c) I'm drawn to him like nobody else. Not even my boyfriend, whom I love and addicted to.

At this moment I am a level 9.83

This is the longest I've stayed on a level. I swear, idk what else to do to get that last 17 points.

I JUST DON'T WANNA BE A NOOB NAYMORE!

T.T

So I actually get to sleep at a decent time, and at 4:45 I randomly wake up. No bad dream. Just about to get taco bell. Random. And weird. Ugh I'm weird.

School starts soon: senior year in high school.

I've never been to a house party, and plan to go to some this year.

I get my schedule Monday. That'll be posted.

I'm nervous. This is the last year of public education for me. For the past twelve years of my life, school has been a constant. This is the last year of that. In ten months I'll be walking across a stage, and handed a slip of paper that tells the world "this young girl is now an adult; she did it. She made it twelve years and now goes out into the world from under our (mostly useless) tutelage"

And that's scary. Exciting, yes. But scary.

I wonder how I'll change and grow this year. I wonder who will walk across that stage, because it sure won't be the same girl who is typing this on her phone right now.

I wonder if I'll still be with Rick. If I'll live with my mom, or even still be in the same state.

I wonder how many people will know a real, true vampire is taking that diploma, and is living among them.





I wonder if I'll finally find somewhere I belong.









As all this passes through my head, I know one thing: I haven't even taken the first step. In ten days I will.

There's that number again: 10. 10 months, 10 days. It was at 10 years old I noticed that I. Just wasn't the same. I was 10 when I moved down the coast, and had to grow up suddenly.



Well if there's a significance to the number 10 in my life, I'm open to it.



I'm ready to step on that campus. I'm ready to sit in those seats and meet new teachers, and possibly some new friends.

I may meet new enemies. Though humans generally tend to annoy me, I don't count them as "just food" or enemies. Just a part of life I must deal with that I'd really rather not. But I'm used to it.









I know, I'm ranting. And if you're still reading this, thanks for listening to my rabble about stuff you probably don't care about.

But I feel better, and I'm ready to seize my future.

Thanks for reading.

And thanks for existing, VR.

Soooo my bf and I. Had this bet. We both like to be master, but there can only be one. So we wrestled to see who could get the collar on the other first.

And I lost. -____________________________________-

Soooooooooooooo he's the master. Its hilarious that he thinks I'm gonna be a good little vampire slave. Hehe nope.

I'm going to bed. :P

Soooooooo I haven't had blood in, like, three and a half months.

***BTW: a good sub is iced tea***

But iced tea doesn't last long. I'm a pretty strong vampire, so about half an hour. -_____-

Buuuuuut school starts in ten days, soooo hopefully after I start getting contact with humans again, and not just my friends, I can find a steady donor. I use my boyfriend, but I don't like that, cause even though he loves it, I feel like I'm doing just that: using him. I'd rather have a relationship with someone that's strictly blood-related.



Question for any vamps reading this: does drinking blood from your donor and relying on them for, well, sanity, pretty much, create as much of a close-relationship as I think it would?



Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrr

As a vamp this may seem pathetic, but slenderman really scares me.

He didn't until I stayed up all night watching the videos.

I know he isn't real, and was created by someone on 4chan, for some challenge or whatever, but for some reason it just really gets me. To get to Sommer's house, I have to bike three miles with forest on one side, and xow pastures in the other. Though there are plenty of cars, I bike there in 20 minutes, so he doesn't get me.

Am I lame?

Probably.



Do I care?

Nope. :)

I am an Awakening vampire.....





And a Jew.

I'm very happy being Jewish. I'm not pushed into it by my mother (the only other Jew in my family) and I firmly believe. I literally almost cry when I accidentally eat pork or other un-kosher foods.

But with this Awakwening... this is something I've come to accept and even be kind of proud of. I know, finally, that there's a good reason that I've never fit in and always felt different from other people.

But does this mean God hates me? That He's turned his back on me?



I want to know. Cause if so.... why am I still worshipping him? If not..... I want to stop worrying.



Can I make this work? If not, what do I do? I'm happy to he Jewish, but I've accepted who I am.

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TheSYSTEM
07:06 Aug 10 2012

Hah, I being Jewish myself, I always wondered if the cross burnt us anyway or this 'holy water'. I JOKE!



Did you know that the founder of the Church of Satan was Jewish himself?

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ClippedWingedVampire
07:10 Aug 10 2012

No, I didn't.

Then again, Hitler's parents were Jewish.

But I'm not a satanist.

And I'm a Messianic Jew, just to keep things clear.

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TheSYSTEM
07:17 Aug 10 2012

I never called you a believer in Satan.

I only meant to show you that as you try to figure out who you are, you can see that other people who are of Jewish origin believe in other things.



I'm no vampire. I don't believe in Satan. I'm not even very religious. You do what feels right. ;)



My origin goes all the way back to the tribe of Levi. :P

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ClippedWingedVampire
08:55 Aug 10 2012

I know what I believe, but I don't want this fucking up my life later on.......

Idk anymore.

All I know, is that it doesn't seem like these two things can get along with each other. I really want them to, but idk.........

ugh.

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TheSYSTEM
18:00 Aug 29 2012

Wait, if you eat blood as a vampire, do you have a way of keeping that blood kosher before consuming it?

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ClippedWingedVampire
19:51 Aug 29 2012

Hmmm

Never thought of that. Right now my boyfriend's my donor, but he doesn't eat kosher. Is blood even kosher?

Idk, but I do cheat and eat pork every now and again.....

Hmmmmm... food for thbought lolz

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My hair, though dyed at the beginning of the month, is already mostly faded. My best friend and little sister, Sommer, owes me hair dye, since I spent the money I had on saddle gauges that she can't even put in. -____________-

But anyway, I'm obviously going to have to leave the dye in for an hour, not half an hour, whenever she gets the money for it.

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LolBethAngel
17:52 Aug 27 2012

She got the saddles in!

Finally.

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