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So I'm just going to make an observation here. Two things happened at once but I'm not sure which to blame. Either me being accepted into a clan or the fact that my rank is getting higher may have an impact of people talkin to me... Ok so I want it to be something like that. Honestly I got accepted into a clan that is great and the vamps in it are equally great but I must be out of the loop. When I needed to ... not really talk but sort of touch base with someone there had always been someone on here to do so with me. now it's like this site is dead. I typically don't mind people not saying anything to me. I am actually very used to that but lately I have had 2 of my very few friends decide to turn on me. I'm tired of humans and thier self- centered, egotistical me me me me me woe is me forget everyone else bull.



I miss Kyle... he was a best friend from high school... Over came a lot and became a marine..... be thankful for your freedom (or illusion of one sometimes) people. He died fighting for your right to tell him he was a piece of shit for fighting in your stead. I will tell that story another nigh. For now it is me, my buddy CPT Morgan and his best private stock.



Rest Safe.



P.S. ----- Stupid humans

So I ve been thinkin a lot and if I don't get this down somewhere I'm never getting to bed.I've been mad with curiosity and need for sometime now. It all started when I was barely 18. I met a man who was like a walking encyclopedia. I could talk and talk and talk for hours with this man and still have questions for him... I think that is what first weakened me. The he started taking me for drives down country roads and walks through the woods. This also weakened me. Then the fact I was essentially broken anyways and looking for acceptance among other things sealed the deal. I started "dating" a man twice my age with a live in girlfriend who was not only 4 months younger than me but bi and with girlfriends and boyfriends (with his permission only) Everything seemed ok at the time. I was enjoying the time I had with him and he was utterly spoiling me. He is how I got introduced to M/s. He started training me in just small things. Start small then we will go from there he would say. Then all hell broke lose. I was kicked out of my moms house and on the streets. Did he take me home? No. (Yes his girl knew about me.) Did he offer to help in any way? No. This is when I started really lookin at him. I finally got an apartment after 2 months on the street. Suddenly he was to busy to see me. I became the girl to relive stress with. Became a tool, a toy again. I broke it off. I will no longer be someones toy to be used when they feel like it then thrown away. ... But I've gotten away from my reason for writing. What he started has stuck with me. There are many things I do that is submissive and I crave (but fear a little) to know more about this. I have tried to get my mate involved but honestly he seems more of a sub than I am.. So now where does that leave me? I am a sub regularly put in the position of a Dom. Well I cant say I don't like it a little so maybe I'm .. what's it called a switcher?? what ever but I'm frustrated with not getting to be dominated. It has started to consume my thoughts. Maybe it is bothering me more now because my mate came clean with one of his dark desires and we have been ... attending to that. Don't know. Don't know what to do.... Just had to get the thoughts out of my head so I could see them and maybe get some sleep now.

Have you ever had a craving so bad that it only ever got worse? Days after it had started you still have it but now it's eating at your very being in need of what ever that craving may be... it could be something as simple as just a need to have the smallest millimeter of your skin touch someones else, to feel that connection to absolutely needing to do one certain action and the unfulfilling denial (whether on purpose or not) causes such pain and frustration you want to scream but even that does nothing to alleviate the need?... That is where I am. I crave. I need. I cannot stand much longer but know not how to fix this... I know if I could just feed it would be some what tolerable but it has been so long it is like there is a steel door keeping me from accessing the energy I need..Denied on both fronts.



I guess I should be used to the word "no" by now.

Ok so anyone who has kids or is around kids enough know that the morning kids win every time. Since they do win I try to be in bed by 11 pm but sometimes my body say "Oh haaaay no!" Add on top of my body not wanting to go to sleep we had some good friends come over around 1130 needing to vent because of some horrible drama with their neighbor. All in all I got into bed at 1 and as soon as I was comfortable and under the blankets the baby wakes up wanting to eat... ok fine easy to take care of. So I finally fall asleep around 2. 430 he woke up wanting to eat again. I feed him laid back down only to have my mate wake me up @ 5 to help him get ready for work cause he was running late and all his uniform stuff was everywhere. I even had to go out to the van in cold weather tired to get some from the van and move it too for him. He leaves and I sleep for maybe 20 mins before my twins wake up... Mama juice, mama fishies, mama watch. Yeah AND we have an appointment one of the twins for a school to help him with his visual problems so no I could not go back to sleep.... I wish I could nap after the appointment but last time I did that I crashed so hard I did not hear them wake up from their nap early and they crammed 4 dvds into the player, and tore up the den. Yeah SO not going to do that again...



Well I feel a little better. I have asked my mate to please get everything he needs together for work the night before now and hopefully we can not only relieve some stress of getting ready in the morning but also give him more time. Thanks for listening to me rant. I have to go get ready for the appointment now.

Wow so you know those days where you inadvertly end up screamin about everything? Yeah that would have been my day.



My mate has duty today so he has been gone all day and I will not see him agian until tomorrow morning, my two year old twins have become holy terrors running and screaming around the house, telling me no, getting into EVERYTHING and taking advantage of the time it takes me to feed the new baby. As for the baby he is having tummy problems and has been for the past two days. Sleep what is that? I have had to wake up not only for every one of his feedings but also when his tummy bothered him enough to wake him up and also to try to keep my male twin calm and sleeping in his bed. tired.



Then one of my friends is busy getting ready for her deployment so no talk there, another friend has just stopped talking to me since her hubby went on his deployment, my Johnboy has never been easy to get a hold of to talk and everyone on here seems to have up and disappered....



Really need a break from this. Maybe I can get out for a bit tomorrow after my mate gets some sleep.

I know there are many beings on this site with many vices in which they have to deal with. I have talked about one of mine already in "Ways to Relieve Stress." One of my other issues reared it's ugly head last night.



How many here has heard these words?... You would look so nice if you just wore make up... Why are you wearing that? You could be so pretty if you wore this... Why don't you listen to me? You would be beautiful if you would just listen to me.... I hear them so many times every single day as my aunt watched me leave for school. Every single day... I got so tired of it and am still hurt by her words. She was the older sis I never had and always wanted. But she stood apart from my brothers and I thinking she was so much better than us. She came to live with us when I was 3 and left when she was 25 and I was 17. Every Day...



When you hear something so many times you start to believe it. Even when you on some level know it is not true.. it sticks. So I am one of those people who look in the mirror and see extra lbs. You've see the add where this skeleton of a lady is looking in the mirror and in the mirror she sees a lady who is about 50-100 lbs overweight. I struggle with that and lately it has been horrible.



My mother caught my eating disorder early on and got me some help so I can recognize when I am being hard on myself and punishing myself. In being able to recognize I can curb my ... need to not eat or my thoughts of how I look. But sometime, like last night I'm too stressed from other issues and look in the mirror and just start crying. I know I'm not the way I see myself and I know I am beautiful (no I'm not full of myself. We are all beautiful, we just don't always know it) but I just couldn't convince myself last night. It is a hard vice to fight ones own mind and eyes.



I hope to instill in my children the confidence and assurance I was denied and had stolen from me. When I am well I have the confidence to stand up for myself and meet new situations head on... When I am not so well.... Lets just say I don't go anywhere and try hiding in my books so I don't have to think or dwell.



This vice is a hard but common one. We are beautiful people. Different yes but beautiful none the less. Do not believe the distortion.



Stay Strong and Rest Safe

Started running a few nights ago. While it is only a mile and it is trying to keep a steady pace I am pleasantly surprised at how fast I can get it done since it has been so long. My shoes need to be replaced to the point that I hurt my left leg last night on my run but I plan to fix that with the next paycheck. I have been letting my mate indulge in his obsession and now it is time for me to have some indulgence.



First I will get some new shoes, and a pair or two of jeans. I have yet been able to wear my pre-prego jeans but the prego pants I have don't fit either. Just need a pair or two to get me through. Then I plan to purchase a premium membership here. Just a short term one to see if I think the benefits are worth the money. My mate has noticed how much time I spend on this site alone and how much I like it. Then I want to get a few more of the Anita Blake books by Laurell K. Hamilton.



I have been trying to collect these books but it is rather hard on a budget. I am collecting them in hardback which makes them more expensive then the fact that the early books are hard to find now makes it next to impossible to find and buy them. I even have a membership with B&N and they cant get them for me. The newer ones yes but I want to get the older ones now before they COMPLETELY disappear.



But definatley need new running shoes. They are just hard to find because I have high arches. Most running shoes that start out with good arch support loose it after break in.

I am NOT weak

I have NOTHING to be ashamed of

I AM a warrior

I WILL stand proud



i will get this pain out of my chest

One thing that I do that is not ... we will say normal... to todays standards is that I am a cutter. OR was, its been a few years. No I dont want to die, no I never cut anywhere where I could do some serious damage and possible die but I do cut. My cutting is like a smokers cigerrette after a Really bad days work or that first beer of the night when all you want to do is unwind. It relieves stress and keeps me from getting cheast pains.



Where did I learn this? Second year in middle school my friend at that time told me she did it to relieve her stress. At first I was horrified but soon I found myself ok with the notion. I didn't start cutting until high school though.



Many people dont understand why I like to cut. The think is that I CANNOT smoke. Anymore than one cigerette a day and I get light headed and sick to my stomache. When I tried smoking I couldnt get enough nicotine to calm me without getting sick so that didn't last. The first time I drank ...... Lets just say I learned an important lesson on the true nature of humans. The only thing I could think of was cutting to try



Now alot of people at this point say well you could have done this this or that why didn't you? Because I didn't know. My mom always worked, my older brother was antisocial and slept all the time so he didn't really react to anything, my younger brother is autistic so he had trouble with the simplest emotions and my aunts way of handling everything is to yell at you and point out every way you ever failed. I never learned how to handle emotions at all.



I remember that I started cutting after a panic attack that I had in school. Now I had an attack at home before and would just hid in my room so no one saw but the attack started in the middle of class and the teacher did not want to let me go to the bathroom or nurse. Just as I thought I was going to start hyperventalating she let me go to the nurses office. Probably because by that time I was pale white. I made it 10 ft down the hall and couldnt go any further I had made it to the bathroom but needed help. I finally got the nerve to ask someone who came in to go get the nurse. By the time she came (with a wheelchair God help me) class was over so I was rolled through the school with everyone out to see.



I dont think I need to tell you I was mortified. After that I refused to let myself be in that situation again. I started cutting. I would go about my day to day business and if I started getting chest pains I would cut. It was a release and a way to get the pain out of my chest and focused in one point.



Now you are askin why am I talkin about this? I have not cut in about two years. Not by choice really. I love my mate and would never make his life harder if their was a way I could make it easier. He does not understand my cutting and is terrified that it will lead to suicide or that it is a sign that I am unhappy with life. So after much thought I stopped. My issue now? I have been so stressed lately I wish I COULD smoke.



I have tried to talk to my mate about my cutting and how I want to be doing it and he freaks out agian. But let me ask you someting. What is the difference between smoking and cutting? Cutting with no suicidal thoughts attached. The only thing different I see it that smoking is garenteed to distroy your lungs and kill you while cutting may give you scars.... He still smokes. I dont know about everyone else but cancer scares the bejesus out of me. It is one thing I cannot fight off from my mate.



So here I am. Unable to smoke cause I get sick and I dont want cancer, unable to really drink cause I am feeding my baby and it is way to easy to become reliant on that and unable to cut because I do not want to disapoint my mate.



I am also going to get this out for you who are worried about my kids. I also cut only where my clothes cover and never in frount of someone. In other words I do not want my kids to see or learn this behavior. I want them to actually know how to handle emotions.



*sigh*I have entirely to much crap on my mind and going on around me....