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Today...has been eventful.



Cousin nags me about the dishes...nag, nag nag. I know that they have to be done. But when someone who thinks their size means that they can be a total hypocrite, and bully his way into anything, tells me to do something? I'm sorry, but I have no respect for you, regardless of rather you have my best interest or not.



So I get up to do the dishes. Immediately, "bout time you got up to do something you lazy fuck" followed by "let's see if you do something right this time".



Dishes still aren't done. But I am. I start a post on facebook, making sure I tag my mother for her to see.



I start an absolute rant. Point: stop babying my cousin, if I can take the bitching about not having a job when I bring home applications, he can take it when he's shown NO proof that he's applied ANYWHERE.



Took it down. I send a message to mom...saying we gotta have a talk. Instead of the one on one thing I wanted...she starts yelling about what I'm bitching about now, which only fuels my cousin's shit.



I'm wishing I had posted the rant for the world to fucking see. Now that I think about it, it would have the same result. My cousin has them in his hands, and they, like he, will not listen to anything I have to say.



I am absolutely at a loss for what to do.

It's nights like this that I am pretty desperate for a distraction. I doodle on paper. I watch YouTube videos that normally I'd never watch. I look through iPod apps I'd never buy. I pace my room. I keep spamming refresh on an email.



Just...anything so I don't have to really think, ya know? It's odd...I don't really know why I'm feeling like I am. It's annoying to the point where I want to pull my hair out. It hurts to the point of sobs, which also annoys me, which also makes me want to pull my hair out.



I'm not really sure WHY I feel like this though. I look through my friends list on here and start deleting people, I get a little chuckle as I think about why I'm deleting them. Still doesn't get rid of the feeling I've got.



And again, I find it odd. I haven't felt like this. Ever. My thoughts close in, not even about shit going on. Just...little things about me. Why do I feel how I do about me? Why do I feel THIS WAY about me?



Why does it seem like the answer to make it all stop is right there in front of me, but I can't seem to reach? I mean, in words it's so simple. WHY can't I just go with it then? Why can't I just say "Fuck everything, for one week, this is what I want. This is what I need to do, so that everything will seem right. So that I can relax. So that I can say, 'Yes, this is what I needed, now it's not so bad.'"



I don't even know why I'm typing all this out. It's not helping. I'm just pushing it in my face. I'm stuck here thinking about myself, about my past, about little annoyances I dealt with. My high school "friends" who just acted like they wanted to talk and hang out, just because I was the only fucking genius with a license.



Or two of my closest friends, both telling me how they were feeling so miserable because they hadn't got pussy in weeks. MY girlfriend at the time? Hitting on one of my cousins.



I have one friend that was loyal to me. One friend who still will occasionally talk to me, like normal, like we used to. And even then, she has her moments where she talks about fucking her boyfriend.



Hell, I even had the lovely pleasure of going to college last year with two of the fake friends, and it was just a fucking repeat of the last years. The guy wanted to talk about how he wanted to fuck the girl, and kept in touch because his car was a piece of shit. At least the bitch who held the whip over him had the decency to ignore me.



I'm feeling sick. It feels warm in here, but I know my feet are freezing. It's like when you come in from snow and you sit by the heater. I want to throw up but I know it's not coming. I'm tired, but I can't lay down because it's all just going to pile up on me.



I know what I want. I know what would help me. If I could just...reach...



I think maybe this would be better if I were ranting to someone, instead of a journal where at least one person is going to read it and just see bitching. I don't know.



I'm just going to hit post and take some Melatonin. I don't want to think anymore. This'll probably be gone when I get back on. If I even feel like it.

I'm feeling A7X ish tonight.



So here's two videos.







The opening to the final installment of CoD Zombies, or at least their story...







...and the fucking awesome song. ♥



Happy Halloween assholes.

Another glorious fight with my mother.



Asked her to help me out. Sink clogged. I can't ever get the damn thing unclogged, and they won't get the disposal repaired.



I tore her away from her oh so fucking precious golf game, and all of the sudden, I am "the laziest piece of shit". Literal, word for word quote there.



She plays that golf game every single night. If she's home? She plays golf.



She left dad before, because we, according to her, didn't respect her. We did nothing around the house. Now? Now it's a fight to get her to do ANYTHING. I'm so fucking sick of doing favors for her, and getting bitched at for it when she's needed.



I do the dishes. My dad, brother and I help with the laundry. Cousin brother and I clean the house. She hasn't done shit. And when she does? She bitches about it, saying she can't count on us to do anything.



She's had nights off this week, last week, the week fucking before, yet when I remind her (while she's playing that damn golf game) that she needs to bathe her dog, who by the way is greased up to the point of which if you touch him, you'll probably puke...she just bitches saying "Give me a break I'll do it when I'm ready".



I find it hilarious that "life isn't fair" when parents lecture their kids. I find it hilarious, that you're taught not to bitch about your problems, not to put shit off. But when it finally gets down to it? That's all parents do. Whine about how hard they've got it, how they have to work and pay bills, how they deserve free time and a break...



Huh. I wonder why I don't respect some whining adults, or listen when they tell me to stop complaining about my shit.

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KittysLullaby
05:56 Oct 30 2013

The majority of parents are lazy assholes. my mother is the same way.

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Lylia
03:09 Oct 31 2013

awww youth

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I don't know what the hell I'm doing.



I mean, really. You'd think I'd never thought shit through before.



Frustration...and a massive migraine.

Sometimes when you want to be happy you have to take a step forward.



Even if there's a bit of risk involved...

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Lylia
04:04 Oct 28 2013

A very wise drunk Russian once taught me, that those who do not take risks, do not drink champagne... or, vodka O.o

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What do you do when you know this one thing you'd be terrific at...and you know it's impossible for you to achieve?

It's odd. But in the strangest of ways...I found something. Something I want. What I want to be. What I want to happen.



What I want "me" to be.



And even though it can't happen, I have to wonder what it would be like...but...oh well. I guess it's how it is for a reason.

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Lylia
04:00 Oct 28 2013

Who said you can't?

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This is either going to be a very long entry, or a short one...I'm not sure yet. I just...I have to type something.



I'm sure...that I'm not the only person who has thought this way...but in my life, in my family...there are people that have been with me...well, since I was born. Close family. And...even though it is quite obvious, sometimes you kind of forget that they're going to leave, eventually.



As a kid, I used to spend the night almost every weekend at my grandma's house. Best grandmother I could ask for...always let me stay, unless she was too stressed, being the fact that I wasn't her only grandchild. She got me hooked on tea when I was younger...I loved that she used a cup and saucer, very proper. They even bought me my own to drink with her in the mornings.



And she always cooked breakfast. Never did I have to eat something small like cereal or whatever. Always bacon and eggs with toast to go with the tea. Mornings had hot tea, and she always made the sweetest iced tea. Mom tried, and my grandma on my dad's side tried. But hers was always the best.



As I got older I stopped staying the night. School becoming more time consuming...life speeding up I suppose. Just didn't really...go over much anymore.



My grandpa was good too. He always had some sort of joke for us...didn't seem to run out of them. He liked to write in notebooks, though he didn't like people reading it.



They lived in a small house, and at one point I'd say it looked nice. The guy who owned the property was supposed to help them take care of it...he did not. He nagged at them for things, bitching constantly. And earlier this year, the fucker went to the mayor, the mother fucking mayor, and said the place needed to be taken down. I can't remember the reason...but. I'm 19 years old. My mom is 35. She grew up in that house. Hell, I spent my first year alive in that house. All those memories, all of it...burnt to the ground. They now live in an apartment complex.



My grandma has survived cancer once. It was...I want to say 5 or 6 years ago. Just recently however they said she got it again. I think bone cancer...but it turned out it wasn't. Can't remember what they said it was, I think something to do with blood.



But right after they said that, my grandpa started getting sick. Lung cancer...and not minor either. It started to effect his liver. They were giving him a few months to live. Not a few days later the hospital calls and says something else was found. His kidneys were failing. Fantastic...



The hospital said they could do nothing for him. Chemo wasn't going to work, they could do nothing for his kidneys. They gave him 3 days as of the evening of the 7th.



That day we came to see him. It was bad...very bad. He wasn't hardly able to speak, constantly had nosebleeds...had a hospital bed brought to their place. I could glance at him, but I didn't want to look directly at him. Sounds horrible...but I couldn't handle it. Mom stood by me so I could tell him I loved him, since he could hear us, but again couldn't hardly talk. Right fucking there, I started sobbing. It was quiet, didn't make everyone stop and stare, but...I lost it.



Yesterday, the 8th...I woke up to mom calling my phone, and my brother home from school. My cousin, brother and I were told to come down to say goodbye. It was worse than the day before. I couldn't hear him, but my uncle said he could. They were saying he didn't want to take the medicine...he was "convinced it was keeping him alive". I lost it then too.



Came home...cousin dropped me and my brother off and went back. I kept calling mom, who stayed over, to see how things were going.



Just an hour ago...dad came into my room with the phone. It was mom, to tell me...that he had waited to see my other cousin. Once she got there and he saw her, he was gone.



As I said at the beginning of this...there are people you live with your whole life. And sometimes you get caught up in your own shit, and...you kind of forget they're gonna go. It's like, you see them with you always...they've just been there. It doesn't feel right to think they'll just..die.



This entry isn't really for much...I'm not posting it to tell anyone, more....get the thoughts out of my head. I can't find it in me to rant to family...and I just had to get it out of my head. And now that I have, the tears are actually flowing...so I think I got what I needed.

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Dyana
10:18 Oct 09 2013

I know this is really hard for you but I'm here. I love you. Call me if you need to, babe.

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Oblitus
19:13 Oct 09 2013

When I was nineteen years old, like a thief in the night, without warning, I had left my highly disfuctional family. I had gone as far as literally flying scross the entire continental united states, from PA, to WA.



What haunts me still, what I almost fear, is my own reaction when I finally get the news, on any of my family. Already one cousin died, and one of my sisters is being accused with shooting a man in the head back in Philly... I have yet to cry, but I am sure one day I will shatter.



Anyway, you mister have my condolence, and may you endure. And may you not cry because it is over, but to smile, for it had happened.

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When we don't talk...there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't miss you. Take that how you will...but that's me...and that's all I can be.







Goodnight VR. ♥

No

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Dyana
14:48 Oct 05 2013

Yes? O.o

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