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K so I might be getting everything planned out again. I am hoping to someday go to colledge even if it is online. It will give some hope somewhere and be a fallback when needed. Well could be a awesome carrer someday. I am not rushing but I know if I try hard I can achive my goals. It is so hard though at times planning anything when it seems everything is kicking you in the ass. Oh well I will survive can't complain other than weakends I work my ass off to keep from being depressed as hell. It seems like everytime I get ahead something kicks me in the ass and I fall. Oh well I am gonna win this war inside me. I will make something of myself someday. But for now I have the best and most important job ever. I am a mommy and that to me is so much more important and to keep him well. I have another goal I know this might sound like I have lost my damn mind but I am hoping to get along with lil mans daddy for his sake and try to be civil and communicate with them to better things for lil man but it fills like I am admitting defeat. I am not defeated though I am pulling out the white flag of truce with him is all. It took two of us to make him and now two to tend to him in a scedual not fun but I know it is better for him to form his own oppion on the subject called father.

It is offical I now hate weakends. I mean though in a way it is good for my son to know his dad is it wrong of me to wish I didn't have to send him away. It is so heart breaking to have to send my lil man away for the weakends but at least unlike me he gets to know and be able to form a oppion on his dad unlike how mine is I don't know him yet hate him. So in a way it could be worse so I am not complaining don't get me wrong I just miss lil man so much while he is away that it breaks my heart something terrible. Sometimes I just wake and want to cry not seeing him in his bed but then I try to stay optamistic and hope the best. So far so good though and all that jazz

Okays so I am like sooo nervious right now. I mean I have to send my son somewhere else for like a whole weakend. This is gonna be like hell. I ant been away from him more than a hour or two not a whole weakend. I will probly be blogging and working a lot so I don't loose my mind and all that jazz. This is soo hard to do. But I know I have to. I just wish I didn't but then too it is better then loosing him and me only getting him on weakends. Haunistly thinking about it makes me sad and I do want to cry but what good will it do. There is nothing I can do about it. I don't want to is all I can say but my words are blind in this case so yea. But then too I get him the weekdays. In a way to me I may say unfair but in the eyes of others it is. I mean my son will get to know both of his parents and all that. But then too after being by his side sence birth this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Keep us in your thoughts as we go through this and hope the best please.

K yea it is one of them days lol. I am running on almost no sleep and then everything happens lol. So far I don't know what to think. I know I shouldn't worry so much but I can't help it. Some say I am too good hearted for my own good. Sometimes I think think they are right. I mean I have been used most time and all that so yea I think they are right. But then too I know they are something good at the end if I stay good hearted. But then too a lot of pain in the process.