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...............................Thats it.

My fight has gone, my need/urge to carry on has been struck a horrible blow which i cannot recover and feel no urge to help.

All I have done and wanted to do was to care and be caring and be supportive.............I've failed I tried so hard to lift their spirits I channeled all my energy into making everything ok and bearable for them and i saw the plaster on their wrist like a neon sign flickering in my eyes saying "Failed" over and over and over and a voice in my head taunting me "AAwww look you pranced around like a dickhead for 2 WHOLE months you zigged and zagged and played the fool and look what it has you now...........the evidence is plain in front of you and it says it was all for NOTHING.

I can't care no more I've rolled with big and little punches that have threatened to overwhelm me but somehow by some sheer force I do not understand I've stood tall and faced the storm and stood.....................but know that force that held me together is unravelling me piece by piece.....................I can sense a reader to this thinking "ok enough of the mystery whats up" and you know what for the first time in my life I'm the one who wants to be saved I wanna be walked to the sidelines and be told to take a rest to chill let whoever sort it out but I can't not won't or should not but can't.......................the force still drives me a lil bit to care for the other ppl around me.............but I actually have give up i don't care no more......only my baby is important to me now I have nothing else............................goddess and my mates please forgive me if I lose all my strength (And do not worry I'm not planning to meet the grim dude till I see fit ok things are bad but my baby needs me)

well on friday i went to a BBQ (at 8:00pm no less on a chilly night) and in a typically british fashion we couldn't get it started till about 9:00pm lol it was cool.

And here is where it all went wrong :) I had to listen to a girl i kinda liked mooning over a guy three years her junior (She is 20 go figure) then I again was the odd one out i.e the only single one there but it was not that bad i got plenty of sympathy smokes lol.

I then came here shared a drink with my good buddy Dedlocke then left and passed out on the couch.

Anyway here is where it all went to hell in a hand basket it was my ex's 21st and b4 we split i promised I would try and make it good.

So I organised a semi suprise party and it semi fell through.But we had a good few drinx b4 we went the K now she hates that place but it was the only place all her mates (and mine) go...btw all my mates are hers as well she just doesn't have any am not bein cruel jus factual.

So i never left her and she knew I wouldn't jus leave her alone 9I'm not that cruel) anyway she spent the whole night questioning me on why i split with her 9that was fun) I couldn't turn around and say "Yes your right i will have another relationship but jus never with you because i f*ckin hate you and the only good thing to come out of you was our daughter"...not very nice :) but anyway i tried to make her happy dancing like a dope and such did it make a diff...................NOPE itried to make her night special or at least good what did it get me??? a slap and I never even peeked another girlz intrest.

Then we parted ways and i had to pack a bag for a friend at 4:00am because she was too wasted and was leaving the following morning to go on a field trip with her uni *wry smile* it was a fun weekend >:-(

I am alone completely and utterlry alone.

You can put me up or compare me to all the other "alon,depressed,sad" Goths :) I don't care paste my ass whatever you want I couldn't give a shit.

No female intrest no touch or feeling or compassion or notice from them no acknowledgement of my existence or that I register to them.

I give up..........not a ususal characteristic within me I admit but if it is to be my "destiny" to be alone for the rest of my life so be it.

other ppl I wish them luck and happiness I will jus be the local sad old bastard who will die alone then so be it.

I do not relish this prospect and don't give me that old "your only 20" BULLSHIT loneliness is loneliness...........................................till the stars turn cold

I am pissed.

I am monumentally fuckin pissed.

Right now (btw i never usually tend to piss shit and moan but i'm only human) I'm tired and fed up and frustrated as hell and no it has nothing to do with sex :).

I'm just wondering what in the hell is the point right now??

I am a warrior with no battle I'm a soldier with no war I'm a....................retard with no direction in life and in all honesty never will whats the point??

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show

I laced the track, you locked the flow

So far from hangin' on the block for dough

Notorius they got to know that

Life ain't always what it seem to be

Words can't express what you mean to me!

Even though you're gone we still a team

Thru your family I'll fulfill your dreams

In the future can't wait to see if you'll

Open up the gates for me

Reminisce sometime the night they took my friend

Try to black it out, but it plays again

When it's real feelings hard to conceal

Can't imagine all the pain I feel

Give anything to hear half your breath

I know you still livin' your life after death



CHORUS:

Every step I take

Every move I make

Every single day

Everytime I pray

I'll be missing you



Thinking of the day

When you went away

What a life to take

What a bond to break

I'll be missing you



(We miss you, Big....)



It's kinda hard wit you not around

Know you in Heaven smilin' down

Watching us while we pray for you

Everyday we pray for you

Till the day we meet again

In my heart is where I keep you friend

Memories give me the strength I need to proceed

Strength I need to believe

My thoughts, Big, I just can't define

Wish I could turn back the hands of time

Us and the six shop for new clothes and kicks

You and me takin' flics

Makin' hits, stages they receive you on

Still can't believe you're gone

Give anything to hear half your breath

I know you still livin' your life after death



CHORUS



Somebody tell me why...



On that morning

When this life is over

I know, I'll see your face



Every night I pray

Every step I take

Every move I make

Every single day

Every night I pray

Every step I take

Every move I make

Every single day

Every night I pray

Every step I take

Every move I make

Every single day

Every night I pray

Every step I take

Every move I make

Every single day



Chorus



Every night I pray

Every step I take

Every move I make

Every single day



Chorus



Every night I pray

Every step I take

Every move I make

Every single day



(I'll miss you)



Good luck in all that you do y'all be knowin I'm still here for you don't get sad or lonely or upset I'll make you smile its a 10 dollar bet :)



Fuck that lol but seriously I'll miss y'all and I hope are path's cross in the future good luck with everything and right now i swear to god I would sell my PS2 if it meant I could at least sob for a minute but that ain't gonna happen :) but at least you get how I'm feeling :) bye babe