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:( not good not good.

I met someone and the walls came down like hell the mental mortar broke.

Allthat I kept locked away for nearly a year hit me so bad I nearly collapsed I kid you not.

I felt weakI mean so weak I wanted to go to bed and never wake up.

Thank the goddess I was blessed with my baby.

I love her too much to do something stupid.

The one constant thing like a mental itch is the loneliness.

My flat feel's smaller my sense's go nuts when I'm alone as if to remind me there's no one in my life and the most inportant part is not with me.

My baby has my heart and it aches am not with her.

But I thinkI may need more something she can't be.

Not a girlfriend......................I dunno I'm goin nuts I miss bein held by someone I care about.................I need to feel something.

I am not lacking love I have all I need in my child :) I jus need company a mate maybe its primal (not sex don't be so fuckin base) the need for.....I don'tknow what I want I was fine till the wall's came down but I can always re build that thought unsettle's me and comforts me at the same time............................am pretty much fucked.

Well here's the break down kiddies enjoy :P

On a Friday night I have the wonder and privilege and honour of taking care of my baby till Saturday afternoon (not long but I make it special for her).

But this Saturday I hadf to go to a Fiefighting career awareness day and be there for 12:30am all the way in Croxteth which is an hour and a half journey away.

Anyway my baby was slightly ill sso I was worried about her so I stayed up all night to0 watch over her.

She awoke after a fiful sleep at 7:ooam and I was on my oooohhhhh 18th cup of coffee.

Needless top say I had arranged a baby sitter for her and such and dutifully dropped her off at 10 in the morning in Crosby (55 min train ride).

To cut a long story short I was awake for 36 hours in this time I traveled for 5 hours with and withoput my lil one and had to do a bleep test (runnning) strength test's, climb a BIG BIG BIG ladder (In the lovely ice cold pouring rain) and then crawl through a maze with breathing apparatus with near to no vision (visor was obscured on purpose part of the test) needless to say I was exhausted but the point of this lil "story" is one thing I would have given up MANY times through exhaustion but my baby's face filled my mind filled with pride as one day I was telling her this story or maybe with a hope she will see me in my firefighter uniform.

It was only a career awareness day but apparently if it was the real thing I would have passed all of it and been accepted onto tghe training course all thanks to my Baby :).

Here's hopin :)

staion was cold and I was tired.

!8 hrs since I had last slept and the cold was reminding me that I had a bed waiting for me at home.I could hear it calling to me, promising me depthless worlds of wonder and delight and half naked sexy chicks................well fully naked I hoped :).

But I resisted and stood on the platform longer gazing at the most beutiful girl in the world throught the darkened window in front of me.

Her brown eyes gladly taking in all the morning detail of this metal giant that would speed her away from me for a whole week.

I shuddered at this inwardly, not seeing those eyes and her smile for just a day was hell to me but to her I was maybe already an after thought, her head filled with wonder at where she would end up in a few hours time.

My baby, my precious lovely child soon to be sped to Cornwall.

I watched her smiling and laughing as she sat on her mothers kneee oblivious (thank the goddess) to the war and turmoil of emotions that were fiercely battling each other in my head.

Before the doors closed a priest was the last to step on the train..............................I smirked for a second and then it dissapppeared filled with a small feeling of gratitude.....................I would want God,Vishnu,Zeus anyone on that train as long as my lil one stayed safe and was sped back to me unscathed and radiantly happy............................................................................................................................its been 50 mins since the train went and already I feel like shit :(........................it's going to be a long week.