A Raven's Story07:33 Oct 03 2007
Times Read: 668
It started off in an ordinary town, a town like any other town. With people like any other people. Although its history was very bazaar most everyone was ordinary. Everyone worked, all the children went to school. It was just a very ordinary place with no unique people. But there was one person out of all of them who seemed…not so ordinary. A person with great talent that could rise above them all. Although very shy as a child he grew up in an ordinary home with a Christian family not knowing who he really was or why he was there. Living in one place all his life and having no friends he seemed very lonely.
After many years of solitude and discovering his talents and who he was he decided to become a new person. For you see, this person was no ordinary human. Along the road of his life he began to realize about his personality was much more feminine then others. Even though that he was clearly a man he proclaimed him self a woman and so dubbed upon him self the name, Raven. That is where our story begins.
Upon that day I had watched the sun go down into its final resting place. It was becoming night and I like any others like my self knew, the night was alive. For it maybe silent, it still yet has life within it. I changed my clothes and put on my makeup then headed outside when everyone was asleep. I looked up at the moon and thought to my self how beautiful it shined in this dark night. It felt as if something had entered me that very night though. As if the dark goddess had put within me her energies of the night! The cats running about my feet as I walked into the backyard just speaking only to my self and them, as well as the creatures of the night that remained invisible to me. I felt power…and a sort of divine presence within my self pulsating for those moments in the dark night.
After while I headed inside and stayed up for more then two hours. As I was still on nightshift. Some time had passed and I scared the living daylights out of mother. It was quite funny as she did not expect me to be in a dress and in dark makeup. She had practically almost run down the refrigerator by being so scared! She was up because she had work that morning and it was about 5.
I just laughed at the scene and headed to my bedroom only with thoughts of with what happened outside. It had changed me into a different person and I felt it deeply within my soul. For my energies had swayed to darkness, but a darkness of positive power of such that was used by the light. I continued to use this power in my workings through magic!
The darker forces had finally come after my attempts within the dark! They kept fighting with me no matter how hard I tried to fight them off. I protected my self with my bubble of energy but that just didn’t allow them to come near my physically so they stayed outside projecting thoughts into my head. Until finally one night I was just tired of all the bullshit they had done over the past months. I said “No matter what you do you will never get what I have! I will never give you the permission to enter my body and have it as your own personal vessel!” They then no longer bothered me by putting things into my mind and left me alone from then on.
I looked back on my past several times trying to learn from it. The most was the heart break I endured for many months. My beloved, even though I knew he had a girlfriend. She let me be with him for a short time. Then about 4 months later she got jealous because of the plans to meet him and said something might happen sexually even though I had promised her once before I wouldn’t. They broke my heart. It was taking me a long time to over come this great depression.
After meeting a girl in California and believing she loved me as I did her I fought my way to get there. Beings that I was on disability traveling was indeed possible but risky. Spending time with her made me realize what my dreams really were and even though I kissed her after sometime it just let off and she became different as she met other friends when we went to an anime convention. She changed and almost completely and ignored me. I was glad when the day came for me to return home. The entire trip changed me and allowed me somewhat to move on from the heartbreak and loneliness.
After several months of passing and finding out my only friend in this ordinary town had cancer I was nearly devastated. In a constant state of depression almost thinking about the so many things we did not get to do together. My heart weeping with insanity I was just so emotional even friends online could not stand it. People began to say that me being the way I am was bad . But what they didn’t realize is that it was my emotions them selves that allowed me to care so much for them and others I didn’t know. This also being a flaw of my self I realized soon after that I cared to much for those I didn’t know at all.
After such a time I researched the basics of magic to refresh my memory on who I was and what I stood for. To also better understand the universe. After continuing my studies I began to realize a certain vibration and I was suddenly engulfed with supernatural powers un-which I had never seen! Sucking me within the portal of time within a world that was dangerous yet beautiful. My path lay beyond me within that dark forest of the magical realms. I left my human life behind to yet search for the one thing I longed for most. Love…
Journey to Darkness
I ended up in darkness after slipping through that black hole within my closet bedroom. My tears shedding from thinking about the past and how much the ones I loved hurt me. For my heart was broken and my life shattered into nothingness! The only hope I had was to find my self yet again, as I had lost it.
There I floated within that endless abyss just thinking and crying beyond all imagination. I felt the tears role down my cheek ever so softy. The wetness of the tear making me cry more and go deeper into the darkness. I was alone…so very alone within this world and no one was there to help me rise above those emotions. Everyone I trusted betrayed me. I had nothing to live for and so my thoughts resorted to death, as I thought that was where I was heading.
Suddenly as the last tear rolled down my cheek a light burst from within my heart soaring as what it seemed above me then in front. Its powerful rays changing my form into something else… My eyes turning completely white with a cat-like slit. My arms longer and my body taller. My clothes turning black with a velvet touch. A purple aura was about me as I started to grow black wings! My hair growing longer in the process turning a night black. My nails longer. The pain from my back as the black feathery wings came out of me. I was pulsating with such a power unimaginable. It felt good…but yet it hurt so much! It lasted for what seemed an eternity until finally it stopped and my eyes opening to me standing on a floating rock in the void looking towards the great light. I stood there for such a long time watching the spirits come from earth, some going within the light while others stranded within that endless darkness. After some time I decided it was time for me to leave that place, and so I did.
I jumped from floating stone to floating stone, using my wings to glide me to the next until finally reaching the great swirling light in front of me! I walking through it made me feel as if a thousand knives were piercing my skin! This pain was pain from earth…Oh how my heart ached from its embrace. I had no choice, I had to enter or face destruction. This pain was the pain of all my past hurts, of all the past joys being left behind. The hurt was worse then the joy of course! I saw and felt all of it reliving within just those few moments until the final spot of when I had actually stepped through the vortex on earth. I regained consciousness and stepped through the white portal at last.
I found my self within a small cave…only to yet again be within a dark place. I fell of the edge surprisingly! There was no end to this falling and so my only choice was to grab the side of the cliff where I had actually fallen. I worked my way back up, breaking some of my nails and making my fingers nearly bleed. But I did not give up even though it was hard to reach the top!
After finally reaching the very top of the cliff I realized there was a light right there for the entrance of the cave. I walked outside slowly as the light blinded me. I walked into a world that was only a meadow, it had a violet overtone all across the land. But instead of exploring that world I decided to re-enter the cave thus having no way of getting anywhere in there! That is…until my hands glowed with a powerful aura and automatically I spread my arms out into the void thus making the rocks rise creating a long winding path within the cave its self! I started walking this what seemed never ending path for hours. There was certain spots to rest, which was unusual because there was nothing there but my own spirit, although I did see glowing eyes in the distance in the void watching me…I kept on the path not paying them any mind. When finally reaching the end of the path a large double door standing in front of me. The one left door white, while the other black. Considering what it represented…I walked through it only causing me to change once again!
At last I had come to the final resting place of where the real evil resided. Creatures within black cloaks stood before me telling me to let them take me into their domain. I refused. They tried to reach me but I shielded my self from their negative attacks. I embraced my true self. My form grew white with such a pulse that was divine! I shot large energy waves out of my body causing my hair to turn completely white! They fled in terror as their true forms were revealed to me. They were of what seemed to be old fairy tail creatures written in books. But even with their ancient magic they could not defeat me, for my will was stronger then theirs. After that battle…I was drained almost completely. I had then reverted to my earthly form causing me to go to a place of peace, sleep.
I awoke of what seemed to be the meadow I had seen, with flowers all around me. Beyond the meadow was a forest, and beyond that was mountains. It was peaceful there, but as peaceful as the vibe was I could not help as If something else was wrong within that world. I then got up and walked for about 15 minutes ending up in the forest, I got to a clearing where a man stood at the middle of this clearing. He stood there in black leathery robes whispering something in a native tongue I could not make out. Suddenly a dark hole appeared out of thin air! A tall pitch black being came out of it. He looked like something I had seen in the human world from a video game. The man feared from him and he tripped while trying to run. The being bent down and thanked him for releasing him from his prison and then devoured the man right then and there! After devouring the man he released his demonic minions through out the world consuming every last bit of it. The humans that were there fled in terror, but I it seemed as if I was only a spirit watching this all go on.
I finally was sent back to another place. I was still filled with hurts of the past as my heart was still broken. I knew only now that my journey had just begun. Soon I felt another change and that would transform me into a soul of great experience….
Journey to Knowledge
“I don’t understand this feeling…this urging powerful feeling within my body and soul. The pain from my lost battles still bleeds deep within me. I cannot stand it any longer! I must die…I must be dead for I can live no longer as human or on earth. I am worthless and no one truly loves me or ever will.” Those words spoken from my own mouth and thoughts in that time of awakening. I believed that I was right and no one truly cared. It seemed as if everyone had their own lives and even though mine was important to them, it wasn’t as important as certain others. I began to feel the pain of losing my heart again, finding nothing there except broken feelings that would never return. So I continued on through my journey to find even more answers!
****
My eyes awakened to a new place. Oh this place was not earth or like any other magical realm I had seen! Even before entering the portal it was never like this at all!
I walked down the hallway, looking at everything there was to see. The everything was white! The floor was completely marble, it shined with this glaze I had never seen before! To the sides were pillars all along this very large hallway. There was a few benches here and there. I just walking and I kept seeing beings cloaked in white with their faces covered. I did not know this place, I was confused on how I even got there. But I kept walking anyway. I eventually happened upon a small area that lead to the outside, it was this large courtyard filled with flowers and different kinds of plants. They all glowed with such bright auras vibrating almost with their colors. Most auras were white, others were different colors of the rainbow. I grew tired of the courtyard after while and decided to head back inside.
When I went back inside I saw ahead of me another door which lead to a series of other doors. I picked one that was a very large double door. I opened it and to my amazement was an entire library of books that never ended! I searched for what seemed miles within that one room and there was absolutely no walls what so ever! Only the wall of which the door stood upon was there, but even that wall seemed to go on into infinity. There was books upon books in this place, some I noticed the names of that had history on them from earth. I saw a green book that said clearly “Earth: The Celtic Age”. Another was a very light blue that said “Earth: Atlantis”. But no matter the titles I did not pick up them. I just kept walking in that room for what seemed hours, so many books that were the same color, so many that were not the same color. I walked so far back the books turned into scrolls! But there was one book I did notice that was completely white, which caught my attention because no book in that entire library from what I had seen was white! I went over to it and looked at it. It said very clearly on the spine of the book “The Understanding.” I picked it up and opened it to the first page where the guide to the book was. The first chapter was exactly these words: “Oneness”. Where the second was: “The Creation”. And the third: “The Universes”. There was several other chapters in this book that I had read explaining the idea of gods and goddesses and how they came to be with their complete history. It explained where they ruled and what got them to where they are now. It explained even the human mission and all things you could even imagine about spirituality and life put together was in this one book! This book was heavy with more then one thousand pages in it explaining everything! It mostly talked about the human journey and the purpose of it. But it also talked about how the universe was never created, it was just there. In the Creation chapter it talked about different things concerning science of how a form was physically manifested, which dealt with many chemicals and different elements. Then it talked about how the spirit entered the body when the soul was completely ready to enter a vessel. It also talked about how souls are individual but they come from the same place, not from a void necessarily but from a god-force that has been for all eternity. This god-force was the source of all things that have ever existed. The book gave a simple term for this marvelous being which was: “The ONE” or “The Source”. Which made sense to me.
After reading so many things I put the book down, as to much knowledge from the truth can overwhelm even someone who is within soul form. I walked out of that place, and as I did a aura was about me that was very white. I noticed my hands glowed with such a pulse that they nearly vibrated. I was then granted a cloak out of no where! Just a flash of light and there it was on me. I don’t know how, I don’t know why. It was just simply there.
I dismissed trying to figure out why, as understanding things in that place was very difficult unless told by another source. I continued to walk along the large hallway again to reach where I had entered the entire building. It was this very, very large double door of which probably stood two hundred feet! As heavy and tall as it was I gently pulled on its knocker and it just opened ever so gradually. Outside there was nothing and I do mean nothing…it was like a portal of some sort yet again leading me to another area within the astral. I walked through it!
****
I ended up in a temple after walking through the portal in the white building. This temple seemed to be floating in the sky. It appeared to be a temple that the monks in the mountains lived in. It was made of stone with a red carpet that ran down the center. The hallway seemed to go on forever. I discovered a new way to travel. I could simply wish to be at the end of something and I would be there! I saw a very large double door again but this time this one was a green one, it looked rusted as the statue of liberty back on earth. It had large symbols on it, like Celtic knots. I just walked away from it for a little while and took a rest on the floor.
Shortly after sitting down something happened. A large group of black feathers floated from the outside into where I was sitting. These black feathers had a purple aura as well. They formed to what seemed to be a cocoon. As they took the shape of wings folded over one another, they opened to reveal a dark angel unlike anything I had ever seen!
His eyes were purple, his wings black but glowed a purple tone, they were very large as well. His clothing was like the night sky with stars. He was tall, probably about six feet. He had long arms. His face was Elvin looking and his ears pointy.
I sat there just looking at him in amazement. He then spoke in a gentle voice. “This is your temple and I am your guardian. I can take you anywhere and guide you through the realms. I can also protect you against threatening forces.” I listened carefully and said “I have been to many places now and had many thoughts and different experiences. What exactly is the purpose for doing all this?” He then explained to me about my journey and why I was there, that it was part of my awakening as a soul and that I had to see these things as I have seen them once before and the purpose for seeing them would reveal them selves in due time.
As time seemed to never pass in this world I grew tired of just sitting there doing nothing. He never spoke unless I addressed him personally. So I asked him “Where do I go next?” He replies with “Where ever your inner self will take you.” I was annoyed by his response cause I did not understand what he meant. So I just got up and went to the large door beside me that I had ignored earlier. I opened it only to reveal another world. My guide spoke saying “I cannot follow you into this world as I have the others, it is a world where the most powerful immortals live and I can only watch as you speak with them unless you are threatened. That is the law.” I shook my head in agreement and walked through the door.
****
I ended up in a place where it was night and the stars shined brightly. The moon gently shined its rays upon the lake there by the forest. It seemed so peaceful within this place and was very calming with only silence. I sat on a rock near there and just looked into the still water, watching a few glowing fish pass by. I waited for what seemed hours until I heard something in the brush across from me. I looked over and there as my eyes could not believe a unicorn walked out!
He came over to me and just stared at me with his big blue eyes. I was yet again amazed. He spoke to me in such a voice you could tell was immortal. He said “You are the one who has been seeking your own self. I see greatness in you, as you your self are immortal. We are very similar in understanding. You know what even those who practice magic do not. You have a great gift within your self.” I was crying by his words…as they meant not only the truth but had great emotion within them. I then asked him what the real immortality was. He then said “Even though a body in the physical realm cannot be immortal the spirit is and its that in its self that makes us all immortal. However, some spirits are not capable of this journey and they are so sent back to the ways of which they came, to the source of the all being part of it yet again. The ones who are able to rise above the emotions and become what many other gods have become will be the individuals that will make a difference in others lives. Your one of those souls, even though you do not remember much you have the potential. You will guide others back on earth to the right path. But if they refuse your help do not grieve, for their journey is different then yours and others and some take longer to realize that they have done. Even though you may not be perfect on earth and you will make mistakes, you are still as immortal as I.” He then suddenly disappeared and I was left there alone in the night. My thoughts remembering what he said as I fell asleep there under the light of the moon.
Illusion of Love
We were alone in my room…how romantic. He got on top of me and brushed my clothes off like they were nothing. He kissed me with such passion, a passion that could only be of true love. It was as if when he kissed me all the hormones and energy within my body vibrated with a pulsating urge and desire. I took his clothes off as I suddenly felt this. He just pushed me down and I got so turned on beyond all belief. That’s when…he touched me. The pleasure I felt within his touch was just to amazing. Like I was no longer alive but yet I was. All the emotion felt within just one act. No one had ever done this to me before, no one had ever even desired to touch me in this way, due to who I was. It was within those thoughts he finally penetrated me. I reached down and rubbed his smooth body while he was thrusting within me. Then…just as suddenly as it all began he disappeared…
I awoke to find my self laying in bed. I thought to my self “It was just another dream…a dream that will never happen.” Then I got up and went into the kitchen. To my believe a lot of things weren’t there at all, and some of the items didn’t even look familiar. Mom walked through the door coming into the kitchen. I tried to ask her where the new things came from but she didn’t answer. I was annoyed, I said “Mom…mom…MOM!!!” but no matter how much I called her name she would not answer me. So I decided to go to the front door because she was going out it and just when I thought she would stop…she passed right through me!
I then realized I was still within the astral some how and that’s why the things I saw were new to me. Items on the astral are not there on the physical. I walked back to my room and to my amazement most everything was gone! Even though it seemed all there when I had left it. I went outside to only find mom crying and grandma comforting her along with dad. They were all crying. Then I heard mom say “Its been six months since he died. What did I ever do wrong as a mother?” I was shocked. Just as the wish of death was always something I had looked forward to and I did not think anyone ever truly loved me. But did they…for they only forsaken my existence while I had been alive. They did not appreciate me nor did they show me hardly any love. And now…they cry? How pathetic I said “They did not love me when I was alive but yet they do when I am dead. Yes, one can say they love you but if they do not appreciate the fact that you do exist then do they really love you at all?”
All of a sudden it was as if I had “blurred” my self to another place. My friend was crying too…and I thought to my self “In life she appreciated what I did so she must of loved me… But if she did why did she never call? Why did she always wait for me to contact her? Why was she afraid to get close to me even though she knew she wanted to? I don’t understand how anyone could love like that. Or is all this really love at all?” Those thoughts triggering me to yet again “blur”. I ended up in several other places with my other friends across the united states. They said they loved me in life…and I saw their tears and their pain knowing that I was no longer alive. I knew they had found out by the notes, me before I had departed left notes of what to do with my things and who to contact if I was to ever pass away. Also having detailed information about my feelings in life that made me very sad. I suppose mom and dad read it. With those things they had access to everything I ever owned. All my passwords, all my screen names. Email addresses and mail addresses, even phone numbers were all in this paper work. I was a strange person, I felt “What if I was to suddenly depart then no one in distance from me physically would ever know that I died.”
I looked down and wondered how I even ended up dead. Which was when I was suddenly “blurred” yet again to my place of death. It was a gloomy day that day. It was raining and thunder storming. I felt the depression in the air. I was on the bridge that went over the lake. I just stood there, a few cars passed by but none paid much attention to me until I finally stood on the railing to the bridge its self. I just sat there watching my self do this as I was reliving what seemed I could not remember. I then saw my self just fall from the bridge as I had leaned down. I watched my self plummet into the water and my body rise soon after. The police and most everyone who saw this happen was there. My parents were at the park nearby that bridge so they was not yet aware until they tried to find me. Emotion was everywhere! Mom, dad, and my sister was crying like I had never seen.
I looked down away from the scene to only find my self in darkness yet again. “Am I…really dead?” I asked my self. I fell to what seemed to be the ground even though it was darkness. I felt emotion all over as I cried in that abyss. Only until a voice spoke to me did I realize what I was doing. It said “You are not dead, but merely experiencing what would happen if you were. For this is your wish, even if it would have been in a different way people would still react in the way that they did.” I listened to this voice only to have other thoughts. “But does anyone really love me? How do I know that they do when they can’t even appreciate my existence?” I asked. The voice simply said “Doesn’t the emotion from everyone prove that they care? Even though they did not appreciate what they had when you may have been alive it does not mean that the love does not exist. It is always within human nature to never appreciate what they have so dear, then when it is gone they realize what they have done to cause the problem. For this is not an illusion, this is reality within another plane. You killed your self there but you are still alive within your current life.” His words spoke such truth to me about how people loved even though they did not necessarily appreciate. My spirits were lifted and I was then transported to a place of wonder!
****
I seemed to be standing out to the sea on a castle made of pure purple marble. There was a sort of arch on the left side to me. I looked over to it while my arms were still crossed on the balcony. That’s when I saw the large double door open in the distance. A very tall man stood there. He wore black small shoes, white clothing, Japanese type of kimono, very long white hair. He walked towards me and I just looked back at the sea. When he got up close to me he placed his hand on mine and said “You will find him soon.” I looked up at him with thoughts of “When?” but also thoughts of how handsome he looked. His face was absolutely perfect, like every girls dream guy. He looked Elvin…
Some time after we had ended up on the beach. We sat and watched the waves. I laid my head on his lap but he did nothing. I looked up at him and he just stared into the ocean with this gaze that seemed so peaceful. Eventually I fell asleep there laying on him, never dreaming just sleeping but still hearing the waves clash.
After a time I had awoken to a hallway that existed inside the castle. There was more then two hundred feet of space above me. There was also certain spikes there, gargoyles looking down upon me. All the walls were still made from that same purple marble! I just walked along the hallway until I reached the big double door ahead. It looked as if it was guarding something. It had small spikes coming out of it and war symbols and this huge knocker. I opened the door to reveal an amazing room!
This room was completely white, more like a mirror white. I could see my reflection on the floor. It was misty. But in the middle of this room rested a very large book about the size of my arms from tip to tip when opened. I looked at it, it had strange symbols of writing on it. I looked to the side. On the right was a large orb of light, where on the left was a large orb of darkness. And up at the top passed the book directly in front of it setting on a very tall pedestal was a large glowing light that had a golden aura. I looked back at the book again to only trigger something. The book its self projected a green hologram of which shown me a pyramid like on earth. At the top of it a light shown wiping out millions of people. Then I saw in the city thousands of soldiers walking the streets of what seemed to be New York city. That’s when I was suddenly transported somewhere else within the castle. It was a circular area that had hallways to other areas. It also had grass inside this one circle area with a few flowers. The stone covered it a bit. I walked to the middle and I started floating up.
I knew in this very moment it was yet another journey to another world. My hopes put high upon this new place as I continued to rise forever and ever beyond the reach of anyone there…
The Heartbreak
“Its funny how you can just run away like you did. Its wonderful how you can just sit here and not pay any attention to the emotion I feel. You’re a sick little bitch! You broke my heart in several pieces only for me to pick them up on my own having no realization that you could of helped me. You did nothing but watch me suffer. You caused my suffering. Everything we ever had meant absolutely nothing, for you did not love me as you said you did! You say you did even now…but I know its beyond the truth. The lies and lies over lies. I cannot even attempt to forgive. Have I already? Maybe…I’m not sure. But one thing I do know one thing and that’s how you decided to put me under another, me no longer being important. After all feelings you spilt out from what you said to be emotion, it was just merely words and nothing more. You promised me would never leave…but you did, how pathetic. I know now that you do not deserve me but I still hurt anyway!!!”
****
It was one of those moments…back on earth I mean. I loved with all my heart and soul and thought he was the one. But betrayed not only by him but by another. The experience changed me in such a way that it made me a new person with such emotions almost indescribable.
“You said you loved me…but you lied. How could you possibly make it anymore difficult then it already is? She has no reason to be this way and she is all upset for nothing. I know what she is planning and its been this way for a long time!” My heart racing as I knew the outcome was to be that I could no longer be loved by him and me no longer love him. In the many weeks of crying I never gave up for even an instant. “I love you…” I said to him. “I’m sorry…I just think you loved me more then I did you.” He said ever so calmly. I was crushed, words like that said before even now, I was still crushed. I knew the truth from the beginning, I knew it wouldn’t last but I tried to force it…I don’t even know why.
Months after I tried to find others but it just didn’t work. I kept searching to only find nothing. I felt lonely and betrayed as the one I loved would never love me. Tears rolled down my cheek every night with out being able to express how I felt. I said things to him, wanting him back. Soon after we got into many fights for just little things. He claimed I disliked him and his ways which wasn’t true. I was just hurt how he treated me. Through those many months I lost hope in finding anyone. “I’ll never find anyone because no one can possibly love a person like me. Its impossible, everyone that I love can never love me…no one understands and no one ever will. I want to die, I want to kill my self.” I then attempted to do so that night with a knife but never did it break the skin. There was a few times when I had shaved I drew blood but it was by accident. I thought to my self “Let the pain pleasure you, you’ll like it because it will take everything away.”
I felt trapped in my own house. I couldn’t go anywhere I couldn’t see anyone. There was never anyone to see anyway. But I moved on day by day with the emotions. I felt like a ghost who had died and was trapped inside their own house. With only my mind as a window to the outside world I could only see so far. I laid in my room for days on end trying to forget the terrible day my heart shattered into a million pieces. I knew there was no hope for me.
A few tried to help…but their success, in doing so was not progressing. They just made it worse with their words. Their words always seem to hurt me no matter how good their intentions were. Everyone treated me as a beast. Someone with no hope to ever fit in, they made me feel worthless. And as those thoughts continued to bleed in within my mind I fell into depression.
I had nothing or no one left in this world who could save me from my own self. At times I thought to end it quickly but my own heart was just to kind for that. To hurt my own self with a physical object would indeed be against my entire nature and everything I ever stood for. Yet…the thought was still there. The aching pain of my heart continued to thrash about. Like walking through a rose bush full of thorns. Still not being appreciated in any way possible.
After some time of solitude within the night I finally figured out the one thing I feared most. He loved her and it was never going to change. I thought to my self about the wedding…and I cried. I told him “I can’t accept that you want to do that…it would make me sad.” He only frowned at the very idea of my thoughts of it. But after sometime I began to accept the fact it was going to happen within the future. Soon after accepting it I began to realize the distance between me and them. It seemed they cared much more for each other then they did me, which it comes out to play that it was entirely true. I still to this very day I have the problem of accepting that I may not be important to them as they are to each other. It still brings back emotions no matter how much I try to fix it. In a way they care but in a way they do not.
“Even though that I have many friends back on earth and they care for me, it has never been in the way that I wished it to be. For no one can love a beast. That is why I will forever be alone…” I said to my self within the darkness just floating there thinking of all my past just thinking.
“I am alone…”
The Dream of a Lifetime
I wore a white, spangled gown that came to my toes. It was a Cretan design from the ancient times, with the bodice wrapped about with a blue ribbon. Around my neck rested a single blue jewel. The bridal veil was as long as my gown. I had a garland of flowers in my hair.
My love wore a dark, simple robe much like that of a monk, but slightly open at the neck with a white ruffle. A heavy leather belt, studded with metal, and fitted with a scabbard and the coven’s ceremonial sword was worn on his left side. A smaller leather scabbard was fashioned on his right side holding his athame. Gauntlets of metal-studded leather was fashioned on his wrists. And a horned helmet was upon his head.
We were not allowed to see each other until the coronation had begun. It was in that big field I had always dreamed of, with flowers surrounding us everywhere and mountains in the distance. Grass was upon our feet with the dirt as we dwelled within our tents. It was then when my friend Flidias came into my tent to announce that they were now starting the rite. My love and I walked out of our tents ever so gracefully walking towards the circle. Upon approaching we heard the Priest speak.
“I say to thee, O Maiden of the goddess and Merry Man of the Forest Open the circle…for two are coming Who would be one.” The circle opened and I walked through escorted by my love and my bridesmaid, Flidias. With a bow the men allowed us to enter first. I stood in front of the Priestess and my love in front of the Priest. The Priest ordered that the circle be closed. The Priestess and Priest moved to the other side of the alter, and faced the magic mirror. The Priestess says, saluting with her athame:
“There is magic to be done here, The Magic of love. This place is calling you, O Goddess. Come to us here from Thine own land of beauty To this holy circle, place of Thine own most pleasing. Here then, gracious Lady, bring your Loveable person; into golden goblets stir your Nectar And bless the two here have come.”
The Priest then Salutes his athame as well and says:
“There is Magic to be done here, The Magic of love. This place is calling you, O Horned One Come to us from Thy wild land of sunshine and forest To this holy circle, A place of Thine own most pleasing. Here then, O bringer of joy and cheer Draw Thy rough Magic And bless these two who here have come.”
The Priest and Priestess return to their former positions and the Priest sprinkles my head with a consecrated water and says: “Thou art consecrated before the God.” Then The Priestess sprinkles my love with consecrated water and says: “Thou art consecrated before the Goddess.” The Priest then commanded us: “Kneel and receive thy charge.” The Priestess then takes a wand and holds it over the top of my head saying: “Though shalt be the star that rises from the sea The twilight sea. Thou shalt bring a man dreams to rule his destiny. Though shalt bring the moon-tides to the soul of a man, The tides that flow and ebb, and flow again; The magic that moves in the moon and the sea; These are thy secret, and they belong to thee. Thou art the Eternal Woman, thou art she … The tides of all men’s souls belong unto thee. Isis in heaven, on earth, Persephone, Diana of the Moon and Hecate Veiled Isis, Aphrodite from the sea, All these thou art, and They are seen in thee.”
The Priest then takes the wand and holds it over the top of my loves head saying: “In thee may the Horned One return to the Earth again; Hear the ancient call, and show Thyself to men. Shepherd of wild things, upon the wild hill’s way Lead thy lost flock from the darkness unto day Forgotten are the ways of sleep and night; Men seek for them whose eyes have lost the Light. Open the door, the door that hath no key… The Door of Dreams whereby men come unto thee. Shepherd of Wild Things, may you, one with Him be!”
The Priestess then told us to rise. She then says: “It has been said that thou both Do wish hand fasting before the goddess. Is this so?” We both answered yes and then she said: “Draw forth your sacred athames and place the points within the rings That lie upon the alter.” We both do so as our rings lie atop one another. The Priestess and Priest also put the points of their anthames into the center of the two rings, and the Priest said: “Oh God of the forests Place Thy blessing On the two Witches Who stand before Thee Grant unto them joy For as long as they do desire.” Then the Priestess said: “Oh Lady of the Moon Place Thy blessing On the two Witches Who stand before Thee Grant unto them Magic For as long as they do desire.” We all put away our athames. Then the Priest said to my love: “If thou dost truly desire, To marry this woman Give her thy weapon That is may only be used in her service. My love draws his sword, and kneeling, offering it to me, saying: “Gracious and lovely one Accept all that I have… The finest At thy service.” I take the sword and I handed it to the Priestess. The Priestess then says to me: “If thou dost truly desire, To marry this man Give to him thy jewel, thy sapphire jewel, For his possession as long as love shall be between you. I bow to my love and looked into his eyes saying: “Thou who art handsome and strong Accept my jewel, My treasure For thine own.” Then I untie the jewel from around my neck and I give it to my love. I rise and while we looked upon each other the Priest gives both of us a ring and says: “Place this Upon the hand Of thy betrothed.” We put the rings on each other and we embrace as the Priestess says: “Under the blessing of the Goddess Thy hands are fasted and thou art one.” The Priest then calls loudly: “Goddess’ maid and merry man Break the circle That they may depart together In the name of the Goddess!!!” The circle then was broken as the Priestess said to us “Come, let us all celebrate Your joy for the future!” The emotion was so great within those moments of the hand fasting, for nothing felt so complete in my heart. The excitement of it all as the God and Goddess watched and joined us together as one!
After they had departed, the circle was closed by the Priestess and the Priest as all making merry with wine and cakes and other refreshments. We sang and music played. We danced and ate a wedding feast. We then took a sword and cut the cake. After celebrating our grand wedding we returned home to the house we had always wished for. We talked about how it was so nice to meet everyone from both sides of the family and how we had a good time together. We even laughed at a few jokes that was said and enjoyed our memories as we both were now one in unity.
After we returned home we directly went to bed. I stared at my love, him and his big beautiful eyes that just continued to shine in the candlelight I had setup in the bedroom. He stared at me and said: “I love you more then anything…and there is nothing, not even death could take me away from you. For we are one and the same now and forever!” We then embraced each other gently. We then began to go further into our love ritual as we began touching one another. He slipped my clothes off ever so gracefully and kissed me deeply on the lips. The emotion was amazing! It felt as if the universe was crying over our love. The energy within the moment was a special feeling and all hormones just began to rise higher and higher. I took his clothes off and he quickly went into position where he would enter me. For then the physical touch we would be one forever no matter the distance!
He then started to enter me. It was painful yet joyful. Oh how the emotions then rose within me as he began thrusting him self within. He said to me: “Take me within you forever, to be bonded with our eternal souls connecting each other by cords through space and time!” He then kissed me so passionately on the lips and I began to move within his thrusts with him moaning ever so slightly. We began to go on into the night with no pause. Eventually we fell asleep embracing each other. And our dreams were of each other while we slept exploring the forgotten worlds of magic!
****
It was then when I realized that what had happened was a dream. A very powerful dream…but a dream. It felt so real. As I saw my self in the bed with my lover it seemed as if I went into this void of darkness only watching my self in the distance then it eventually disappearing into darkness. My guide, the dark angel then appeared to me and said: “This is your future, only if you make the right choices will it ever happen as this did. For it is you and has always been. You must always keep your heart with hope even if you doubt it. Even though your journey is of others, you can make your own future too as well as you can for others. You saving many lives before now, you are The Raven, name taken by the natives as the guide into the darkness to lead those who seek them selves to find the truth. You are one of great wonder and will always be known among those who care and love you, for they will never forget your presence even within another life time.”
I then ascended into a light and my spirit at last felt complete. The area sky blue as I was above the earth clouds going beyond that into the space seeing nebulas and other planets. I felt at peace with all the universe. It was within that moment that I said: “No matter how long the journey or how many life times I endure trying, I will forever search for the one love I have longed for and even if it is hard and I feel like giving up…I never will not until I’ve found them!!!”
After those words I realized one thing the angel had said to me. And that was:
“I am forever loved!”
Power Realization
“Why do these thoughts keep emerging within my mind? Why am I tormented by these emotions? I don’t understand…I never have. I feel emotional, sad in a way…but these thoughts and emotions are not my own. But if they are not mine, then who’s are they?”
****
It seemed that I had finally begun to be at peace. That is, until I felt a sudden jolt of emotions burst through my body. It felt…connected in some way. For all I had been doing is watching the moon over that shining crystal lake where I had met the immortal unicorn. These vibes throbbing through an intense aura. For I could not ignore them, they were there…yet they were not mine at all. I focused on the connection to where they were coming from. I was suddenly transported from the spiritual realms to on earth.
****
There I stood in front of my friend crying. She was in great pain I could tell. Many things had went on in her life then. Her roommate being a complete bitch, as he was always trying to control things and rule her life all together. Where her sister, the crazy little nut was just on her back most the time telling her lies about her family and saying she has cancer. Her life was just a mess, also due to other reasons that arisen from these two people. It was then I realized my powers were growing and manifesting to a very powerful state. The fact that I not only knew she was suffering, but could feel it! Oh how that surprised me in such a way none could imagine. To be connected to others in this way made me feel…more special in a way. To know things others do not know. Even though I was there I could do nothing. But I could still feel her more then ever. And it was then I realized what I was, an empath! One who feels others emotions, but also minds.
After some time with exploring my ability I found I could sense thoughts. Their thoughts transmitting into my own thoughts. Which became very confusing! Not only that but I could also sense a persons personality. I could tell what happened to them to a certain extent and what they had felt in the past and the way they are within the present. This ability growing to where I could sense people I didn’t even know. They, amazed as seeing a storm of comets…I continued on with my power, helping it grow and becoming even more powerful with it. I had sexual gifts with it as well, being able to transfer pleasure even online it seemed. Most everyone said it felt real. So it seemed I could not only receive but also give out.
I was a helper of all, helping those discover who they were and helping them find the right path. Even teaching came into play many times. It was because of this gift that made me save so many lives, to help those see life is worth living. Even though secretly I wished for death… I had no doubt about my power and ever still it continues to help not only me but others succeed in life.
This power grew to the extent where I could feel nature, even the goddess her self! After going through a series of visions I began to discover other parts of my self, learning about my faults in emotions and personality. I began to see my self as I was, a beautiful being with great potential. I saw my self as something more then human, even though I did not have a name for my self, I simply considered me as me, a soul.
After such a time I began to go within darkness to find peace and acceptance. It was then my power grew even more, picking up on the slightest thing and becoming even more happy. No incompleteness or something missing. For I was complete at last as my self knowing full well of my faults and strengths.
****
I remember back on earth…
I thought of the wind picking up in my backyard, just simply thinking about the wind and feeling all around me. When I raised my arms into the air, the wind rose to a very high gust. My hair blowing in it. The feeling I felt was like I was not only connected to nature but I was nature! Having several visions of being a storm, my body being completely black with white eyes and I flew up into the sky causing an all natural destruction! Soon after I discovered I could also control natural bodies of water. I had felt such a connection to water even before realizing this though. It was my trip to California that made me realize my oneness with it. I could make the waves move on low tide! I thought to my self “Imagine the possibilities with these gifts.” But I knew full well if I misused them for negative reasons I was to surely pay for it in the end.
I began to sense things before they happened. Then shortly after what I sensed would happen did happen. I could sense others coming into the house or to the house at least. I could sometimes tell what someone was about to say before they said it. I seemed to be connected in such a way that I was in tune with the thought vibes around me, picking up on every little thing. At times it felt as if I was the earth mother her self, just watching over man-kind through their daily lives. I then realized most of this was clairvoyance, as I could even channel certain spirits when writing poetry and other things.
****
“I wonder exactly on how I am supposed to get back home with no body left there. When I stepped through the portal my entire body turned spiritual…so now it is if I am completely gone from that physical world.” I said wondering how my life would continue. It was then when I ended up in darkness only to see a light ahead of me. I flew towards the light, first slowly then suddenly I accelerated to the point it felt like I was being rushed into it, then I hit the light only for it to shatter into dark shards and then seeing nothing but light. I emerged out of my closet door way as it automatically opened. I was back on earth finally after what seemed like I had been gone for months to a few years! As it was…nearly to two years. “Didn’t anyone wonder where I was?” I thought to my self. Which was when the memory soon popped into my mind about the replacement I had left to mirror what I appeared to be. For when I arrived back on earth, it merely disappeared as it was no longer needed.
I realized how much I changed since I had been gone. Not knowing anything about my self at first, it was as if the thoughts before I could not remember who I was. Then traveling into the astral in such a way making me realize first hand of who I am all together. It seemed after manifesting my body in such a way it was tired and so I laid down thinking how much I had changed for the better. To yet go within the world of my dreams to re-energize my life force. I then fell asleep thinking…
“I am a new person, reborn.”
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