The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

No one gets what situation I am in. They think its the same as them. They think that I will find someone when the chances of that are slim and very rare. I know this because most people that I do run into don't really love me that way even if they claim to do so at first.



Most people are divided into the "normal" sexualities which are:



Gay, Straight, and Bi.



Not many are Transexual when you meet others as friends. True there are probably just as many Transexuals as there is any other sexuality but the chances of meeting one and falling in love with them are very slim, as well as one falling in love with you when you also happen to be one. No one truly can understand the odds between that. Its more easy for someone who is within the general sexualities to get with a person rather then with a Transexual. At least in my experience anyway.



It just feels as if there is no one out there for me and being of who I am it lowers the chance of finding love like everyone else. Even if I do meet another like me, there is no garintie that they could ever fall in love with me. All most people ever see in that area is an over emotional person. In which case makes me weird and...possibly very unattractive.



I feel so alone... v.v

I THINK NOT! Everyone tells me that! Its just how I take whatever is going on. There is no such thing as being over sensitive. People are who they are and thats just how it is.



People who are not empathic like my self cannot understand that part of me because they are not an empath. It is not my fault that I feel emotions the way I do its just something thats there and with out it then I would NEVER be able to help anyone. I'd probably just tell people to fuck off cuz I didn't wanna hear it.



No one truly seems to understand what I go through and why. I feel alone when it comes to that...

I'm devistated basically...a friend I guess maybe breaking up with his girlfriend because apparently she got mad at him for something but I donno what. Then he just tells me bye like out of no where. I donno I guess hes really upset about it. Its always stupid crap with them usually. Like he'll do something and then she gets mad. Maybe this time I should stay out of it. Even though it is within my nature to get involved with friends I just don't think they want me involved anymore...they have grown distant as of late and well...I donno I just don't feel as close to them as I used to be.



Everything seems to be falling appart for me...

A day filled with excitment to only end in a night of sadness. One bursting with power over the dramatic sea of life. My hair now black as night, my eyes still have circles of darkness from my cluttered makeup in the water. Feeling as if I could cry I try to reach out but afraid to. Is it my own fault that we grow appart? I wonder if exactly... I am not anyones number one, which is sad because I am only merely second rate. Second rate to the one they dream of. But then I can say the same...maybe. For I long to be touched by the man of my dreams but having doubts that such a man exists.



In these hollowed halls I wait for him, but yet I search almost everyday. The extent others care are not as I care for them, as they cannot love as I love. Maybe in that...I will never find who I am looking for because my ability to love is beyond even it seems a friend that loves the same as I.





Is it possible to use magic to draw one of my own desire? To draw one who is not seen nor known of yet having them appear here in my life by summoning them. Is it right to do such a thing? I don't know...it does not seem to break the laws of magic because it is not nessarilly intervening with others wills but merly calling them towards me and of their own choice to come to me.





There are a few that I know that have or have had cancer. Sometimes...I wish I did so that I could make the choice to just live as I should with out being worried about the future or feeling pressured by this world. I say to people I don't know what I would do but then...I know that I wouldn't do anything. I have no one to live for and my life pathetic as it is...it seems not worthy of anyones time. For, they cannot love me as I love them. They want another as I do but even if there was no other for me, I would love them as I do now. Yet wanting one is complicated for me. I donno...I just wish I would find him or him find me, or both. In moments like these I start to think of the lonelyness and how it seems to nearly eat me alive. I don't think I am sad or anything any other time... But I think to of my friends and of how they may love someone more then I. In a way it makes me jealous, but in other ways it makes me very sad.



I sometimes wonder what is truth...because many lie so how do I know its not a lie when they do lie?



Sometimes I wonder if certain people tire of me...and now they dispise me being like I am, emotional. I am not like them, nor am I like hardly anyone in this world. Sometimes I just feel so alone...like now....... v.v

The thoughts and emotions of the past return to me now...my true self saying I cannot run from them. For this is what has caused me to be feeling as If I was complete but yet something was missing. The only way to rid those thoughts and emotions forever is to merge with them as I thought I had but I guess I was wrong! Magic...the key to any sought path. I must use it to obtain inner peace within my self or face distruction from my own emotion and thoughts! The only way is to cover my self in a cocoon of energy causing me to go into a state of transformation which must last as long as needed. It is the only way...to fall into deep darkness to my inner self merging with all pain and all happiness discovering my true powers...and making who I am inside come out.



I must travel within to solve my pain...instead of running away from the emotion...I must do this now more then ever or face my own demise!

What am I? Some ask me walking down the street or perhaps in some other area of life. They ask because they find thy self mysterious and full of inner wisdom which attracts them to thou. The simple seed carried across time and space I am. Even though that I may have no memory of my past I am full of power and wisdom. For I am here to learn and teach. If we were just here to teach then we would learn nothing I suppose.



People ask the sexuality of my body...and I say it this way because it is just a body. My soul is something else much more divine and hard to interprete with just words. Humans have always givin labels to those they did not understand. Which limits the perticular soul or souls in a certain area of life.



In my case, it is not the simple fact that I am male and have a female personality. I am not homosexual or bisexual. I am simpley straight...but a straight female. But at the same time I am however both male and female due to my physical condition. In this sense...I am not any sexuality. Sexualities are for humans whom are one side. All male but liking other males or females. Or a male who just likes males. A male who just likes females. Where with a female its reversed. A female who likes both male and female. A female who likes just males. A female who just likes females.



I cannot nessarilly fit into this catagory. For I am both. As a man I am considered homosexual, but as a female I am considered heterosexual. But since I have the body of a man and the mind of a woman the simple terms for explaining my sexuality is not applyable because I am female in gender and male in sex.





In my experience it has been time and again life proving me to be worthy of my path. Although I stray as we all do and even wish for that death in certain situations...I yet again become strong as life its self carrying on my destiny in the grand design. So I suppose the one thing I have learned is that you should be your self no matter how weird or strange others may think it to be.



But where I have also learned that evil people choose to live the way they do. For nothing is evil by nature. Does a baby attack its mother out of hate that it didn't get its toy? No. Some humans and even elementals give in to the negative energy and become negative them selves. They allow them selves to be currupted and have no self reguard for others. In time they will learn just as we all have.







In conclusion I must say now that I feel more complete in my life then I ever have. I seem to have found my place once again and been reborn as a new person. Even though much has changed within me there are still some things that are the same. For I am still light and dark. The light using the darkness is a powerful thing. And I imagin in the years to come I will become even more wise then I am now.

I don't really get why I am hurt by those who say they care. Or do they really...I give them things and help them out when their down. Why do they hurt me...why do they look down upon how I love and how I express my self when its that in its self that helps them? I guess I'm just not apprecaited.... v.v



That feeling makes me want to not live. It makes me think morbid, it is the one and only thing...that seems to keep me down now. It makes me think of killing my self. It makes me think of death and how much I wish it would just take me. I think maybe If I was to go away or die then maybe others would see how much I truly do suffer emotionally. Even though I am very well aware that others may have more difficult lives then I...I still feel it. I still feel the strain pushing down on me, making me feel this way. For if it really happened would the ones who say they cared see how much they hurt me, to make me go to that extent? Sometimes I just wish I would go away and never come back. Maybe if I was gone and those who claimed to care would actually then appreciate the times we did have while I was alive....

Sometimes I wonder if friends really are friends when they say things...



Like when they say "I just want to sleep forever" or "no one really cares". I know I to have said things to hurt people, posssibly those same words, but I learned that when you say things like that it just hurts others more. Yet when your friends tell you that then several months go by they start saying it when they told you not to. So its like...are they going through the same thing or....do they really just not care at all? Maybe cuz they feel stressed from school or some other thing their going through in their lives.





Recently I think a friend is being stressed cuz of school and he said some things to me that were really upsetting. I do understand why hes upset...but that doesn't make it right for him to lash out at people that way. But I think the stress is causing him to go through something and hes hurting because of the stress. But if he doesn't do it...he may not have a chance at life cuz school is important. I wish there was some way I could help...



Then with the other friend that had cancer, shes having troubles now with the whole if she doesn't get chemo it could come back and if she gets chemo she may lose feeling in her hands. All I can do is sit here while she suffers.



I can't do anything and I wish I could with both...my friends are important to me and to see them suffer makes me very sad. I wish that some how and in some way the gods could give me the power to help them...

How I feel...well for one with what my friend said last night...really upset me. Saying that being emotional is bad pretty much and being the way I am about things is bad because its apparently "over the top".





A friend with cancer...heh. I don't know what to think about that other then I hope she doesn't die...for her death would devistate me beyond all belief. And the thoughts run through my head about how maybe I should transfer her illness within me so that I may suffer instead of her. I have no reason to be here, the connections between my friends...well...they are strong yes but I have nothing to actually physically hold which sometimes makes me depressed. I would rather her be alive then me if I had the choice in the matter which I think I do. To use magic...to switch her illness and let her have my healthy aura. Or maybe...giving her my entire lifeforce so that she can live on with out worrying about if shes going to go the next day in her life.





It is upsetting maybe to think about. But I figure...a friend would die for a friend. Maybe in some way thats wrong because they would be sad that I did it, but at least they would be alive and well. My survival I think in this very moment is depending on her, for with out even one understanding you in person is devistating to me. If she wasn't here where I am.......I don't think I would of made it this far. I guess I just want the best...even if it meant that I had to die to keep her healthy.



Maybe all of it is just crazy...but its how I feel. Because...I'm dedicated to those I love and trust. They mean the most to me and I'd do anything to see them happy and healthy in life.

It kinda seems as if my family doesn't care what happens to me unless I am hurt. They seem to only think of them selves when things are normal between us. Today my mom denied me help when I asked her to help me move a large headboard in my room. She could of helped me...but instead she decided to watch while I tire my self carrying this big thing outside with my barehands! I told her she could of helped and all she had to say was "well what was I doing?" And I know what she was doing...NOTHING thats what...



I don't think she even cared if I fuckin broke my back!



I don't think my family realizes how good we have it. Other people don't even have families, some don't even have a house to stay in! Yet these constant squabbles have got to stop...because it comes down to the point where I have to do something that is dangerous cuz no one else will help me do it. And they wonder why I have nearly no respect for them...they expect me to give it to them when they give none.



I think I may have a talk with her...this just pushes me over the limit!

You know whats funny... When I am sad I can help others just as if I was happy, channeling that negative energy into helping another person. Raising their spirits high above. But the one thing...the one true thing no one I have met..maybe except for a selective few...can never help me. Its like a curse almost, doomed to help other people but yet no one to help you.





People whine and carry on about how I am emotional, how I expect everyone to just drop what their doing to help me. Know what...its true. ITS ALL TRUE! I do, and there is a reason why. Believe it or not, I'm not "perfect" either. You know I got problems to and I help everyone but when it comes to me, heh...no one wants to help. At least most people anyway. And you know why? Cuz their stupid selfish little bitches are to self absorbed in their own lives to do anything about someone elses. I have problems to, but you don't see me complaining about them to someone saying I can't help them because I got my own issues. No...I'm a good person, I care about other people and I'm not just gonna stand by and let them go with out a friend when needed. Maybe thats why I get hurt so much...but you know what? Its better then being self absorbed in my own life that I can't even think of anyone else! When I'm like that and I mean really deep into it, I don't talk to no one, I don't even get on the computer because of the fact that I have to have time to my self and THAT is when you should only think about you is when its just you and only you! Any other time you can think about your self but not to the extent where you don't care about other peoples problems, especially your friends.







I am so sick of being put lower then another person. I am so sick of being taken advantage of. I am so sick of being told that I am a worthless sonofabitch who no one likes!!!! Cuz, I am only mean when I have to be and maybe I am annoying to other people but if they can't accept I am a good person then they can just fuck them selves off all night long cumming in their fucking asshole! (or with a dildo, if their a female)







I drop everything for friends...and yes, I do expect them to do the same for me. Why? Because, when a friend is in trouble they help each other out even if they have problems of their own. They know that true friends no matter if they have problems will help out, then after its all said and done with ones problem then they try to help the other out. Or maybe both at the same time.



Most peoples problems are that they are so into their selves and their own lives to realize they hurt other people with words or actions. They don't think about the whole idea of someone else hurting, they only think of them selves when their sad.



But whats so amazing...is I some how have the gift to help even when I am sad I help anyway even if I'm not sure what to say to a friend. I try and try so hard to be a good person, to be a good friend and even a good family member.



Its just like my family... I try to do good for them and make it possible for us to actually be a family. Like watching movies together or eating together, even talking about things. But what usually happens is that they are so self centered at that time their not thinking about how nice it would be to just get along and so something families do. Even though I know they are good people and try to help others...its not the same within the family circle when it involves either me or someone else. Only thinking of them selves causes conflict between me and them. Like for example: me wanting to use the air conditionar because of my throat being messed up. My aunt then yelling and screaming to not turn it on while I was on the phone no less! But then after I said that I didn't feel good and that I was sick and after I was off the phone and layed down, I think she realized that thats why I didn't want it on. But yet she threw a hissy fit because I wanted it on. Things like that confuse me. Its like when your okay they treat you like shit but when your not they treat you like royalty. What is that all about anyway?







I just don't know with alot of the crap that goes on. I mean, I can see their faults clearly where no one else, not even the family could. Its the same with friends, only most of my friends can see where someone is at fault with me. I know I am not perfect, at least not in that sense. (I have a different opinion on perfection which I'll get to in a bit.) I know I have faults, which are probably trusting to much...I tend to do that ALOT. I also fall in love to easily which causes me to get hurt. Then the ever popular, emotional emo self that tends to talk about morbid things and the lot making people feel down and depressed with me even though its not my intention to do so..... I also am very stubbern I'll admit when it comes to helping people...or sometimes other things to. Then I have that stress issue where I can't be pressured to do something because it makes it near impossible for me to do as I am asked because of their tone of voice and they could be yelling at me....so yeah.













My idea of perfection is unusual. It is basically as long as you are your self, then you are as perfect as you need to be. There is no higher or lower perfection so long as you are just your self and as time goes by the perfection may even raise because people learn from their mistakes. In this perfection isn't about what you do perfectly, its how you are as a person and who you are. I feel as long as a person is them selves...then they are perfect in their own way. I think the idea of it is based upon their ability to express them selves emotionally, physically, or mentally. I think true perfection is ALL about being your self NOT for doing things "perfect".











At this current time I guess I am searching for love...just anywhere. I don't always think about it but when I do its just so intense where I see a guy and wonder if he has the right traits for me. Is that normal? lol But I have applyed in many dating sites to find this significant other. I finally found one that may proove useful cuz it doesn't ask for you to pay for it. Its kinda like myspace but for gay guys. :P Most of them there kinda seem "normal" if you know what I mean. Their not into the paranormal alot it doesn't seem...and they just seem so...ordinary...like most people now a days you know? But I am hoping that even if I do find one who is like that then I'd be able to share something with him...





Sometimes it seems like there is no one for me, like everytime I try to find the right guy it just never happens. Where you see other people not even searching for love, they find it...or sometimes people who don't even want it. To spend my entire life with out someone there, even if its just a friend...I cannot be alone forever...it hurts me sometimes just to be alone in my room alot, to have no one there to sleep with me and just hold me the entire time then fall asleep. And most the time now a days its just like I am a magical person living in a non-magical world and not many people knows how depressing that is. Especially for a person like me. I mean how many people like me are really out there? I'm practically both genders...more female then male but yet have a male body and does magic and other spiritual practices. How many people out there are like that? I'v never met anyone who is.... I mean I have met others who are like me, but they didn't practice magic... It just seems so hopeless sometimes. It makes me sad.











So I guess when my dad gets enough money hes buying a new computer desk and putting my sisters computer back in the living room because shes been cybering alot. I know she does it when no one thinks she is and probably does it alot more then others think. Then also I found out shes been lying to my aunt about taking my aunts soda and my aunt would always blame me for it when I didn't touch it. Well I guess my aunt caught her in the act. She didn't appologize to me though...cuz my family has this thing about how they can't say their sorry to one another cuz they have to much pride to do so.









So I guess I been trying to study more with my spirituality and magic. I been gathering supplies and what not to do things with. To improve my psychic talents.









This has been a wonderful vent for me...I hope whoever reads this far thought it was interesting. Thanks for reading. :P

Witches all around gathered at the tables. Talking, and discussing things. I was floating above. Others had came along, a gang I think. I flew around them for a while watching them go deep into the woods. They paid no mind to what I was doing even when I flew directly in front of them.



When I returned to the site where everyone was, it was still the same. But then there was a man who spoke "I have warned you all not to use your powers for foolishness!" He was in mostly black and had boots on. His skin was dark and he had somewhat of a long beard.



As soon as he said what he said an arrow flew straight through my left hand! People were attacking us! I told everyone to use their powers to stop them. But it seemed they could harm us only parshly. They kept hitting my left hand with arrows as I would stick it up to make a shield. But it would just go through, but not hurt. Finally it happened again and this time it entered through my middle finger. I pulled it out but half of it was still in there! I could see blood...but it didn't hurt, it just felt really weird. I pulled out the tiny piece left in and thats when I woke up...

Death...is it really all that bad? If one does not die we continue to suffer the emotional stress of this world. To forever be in agoney. It feels as if this place is hell its self, for I feel the pain in my body just eating away at me. What happens if I choose to die? What happens if I commit suicide? Where will I go? Will anyone miss me? Would many cry?



Even though that there are many worst cases out there in the world, we continue to feel our own. I...wishing for death. Why? Because the emotional stress burdons me so. And around some corners people sit in their own self, you walk up to them and try to help as best you can but they just push you away and say "no one wants a friend like you!"





A boy actually told me that...which now causes me to withdraw... What am I to anyone? I must be to much to be a friend.... Why else would he say that?





v.v I feel so horribal inside...like...I should die...because no one really wants me around...and if they do maybe they just lie about cuz they feel sorry for me... This world is confusing and distructive... I search for truth to only find lies. Maybe hes wrong...maybe I am wrong...but he just made it so believeable. :(

Why does everyone have a problem with me? Its like if I talk about my life to much they think I am depending on them more then what I should. Or perhaps I'll talk about something morbid and just go into deep thought about it and then they just let it play out where I say things about my life but not contributing to what happens in theirs. Then they complain because I talk about me all the time instead of them when those other people are not even trying to make an effort to talk about something else!





Theres alot of people that hurt me...they say things that are negative that pertains to our friendship. It causes me to withdraw. It also causes me to think about morbid things...like death and suicide. Why? Because alot of the time no one is really there...and I just want at least one friend I can talk to about it.





I was alone most my life, I grew up in a loving family yes but most of the time they worked and didn't get to spend time with me much. People constantly misjudge me because they think I think its all about me, well...ITS NOT!!! Its just people refuse to talk about their life and complain because I talk about mine. Okay..its just in my nature to do so with a person who I think is trustworthy and a close friend, I don't mean to be annoying or make someone upset. But alot tend to make me that way when they do misjudge...





It tears me up inside. T_T

What do you do when your entire life replays before your very eyes? The ones you thought cared about you betrayed you. Your alone yet again.... My only discovery is that I can love...but that doesn't mean I won't be hurt all over again.



I slept the entire day...dreaming...wishing...to be gone. I hate this pain more then anything else and to have to go through it again strikes yet another hole in my heart. -sigh- I am just sick of all the crap....and at this point even though people care, I just don't want to be here at all.



I continue to wait for death to strike me down so I can move on from this earthly plane into one where my spirit is free...forever, never to return to this place of agoney. v.v

Sometimes I wonder if I am a good person. All I ever seem to get is crap about drama. It makes me feel bad...to lose a friend, for those same people thought to be friends turn on you. Then after a long time of that happening over and over...your paranoid of the people who actually do care because you been tricked so many times its not even funny. I guess right now I am kinda upset because of the recent happenings...and I'm afraid that I might mess up with someone I truly love. I don't want them to think I'm a bad person or to show some type of imperfection. It just kinda seems like no matter what I do in alot of things it messes up and I can't help but blame my self.



All I ever wanted was to be loved and cared about. But those people come along and mess it up like your the shit and you deserve it all because your an emo fucking bitch who is emotional and stupid. v.v Sometimes I'm just not sure if everything really is okay. Like...I could just break down and cry.





The universe causing me to go through hurtful experiences only to close my heart to love because I was afraid of being hurt and some how that same hurt allowed me to be indipentant. But now a person has come into my life yet again to offer love... I think hes the most amazing, wonderful, and attractive person I'v ever come across. I guess this is because he's so nice to me...and cute. He sticks by me when things are down. I know the feeling I feel is love...I am just afraid I won't be good enough or I'll scare him away. Cuz...I want to keep him...hold him, tell him I love him, be with him for the rest of our lives..even beyond. To make him feel like he is loved, to make him feel how he makes me feel. And if I could...take a star from the sky to have him wear it. All I want in life...is to love and be loved by that one person...and I want it to be him. :)





By the bonds of which we are connected...I wish for him to be my only one true love.