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Inside me beats the heart of a broken person. One beyond all help and within despair. But no matter how much it does not matter. For no one can truly care. No one can be one with me ever. The curse of the past may linger within my very existence. I must deserve whatever comes to me in this life because of the past. But even more still I am indeed hurt. People see me as happy go lucky person but on the inside my heart is nearly torn and fell into pieces. Only one thing can save me, only one thing can help me rise to my full potential again. Love, the ever lasting force of life and beyond. Its eternal radiance goes beyond all physical logic and moves in such ways one cannot explain or understand. My feelings torn apart by those I loved and cherished, betraying me beyond all imagination. I sit alone in this room waiting, wondering…of when my love will happen upon me in life. And as the tears roll down my cheek…the wind picks up outside. Nature, for I am connected to it in such a way more then many can understand. The weather will be cold and the rain will turn to ice. Then the world will know the pain within my heart. Only then will the expressing emotion be enough to match physical appearance. I pierce and tattoo my body with needles and yet the pain felt within still may not be enough.



A thousand needles pierce my body at the same time. However I continue to love. Imagine all the stars in the universe combine into one. That is my love, my power to express such emotion. The symbol of my heart is a rose, but not just any rose. An enchanted rose. The rose welts every time I am hurt. Then re-grows every time I am full of great joy. Oh such a power.



The words spread from others, the caring. It is only of mere friendship, not being one. Within my heart it feels my destiny is that to be loved, my mission in this life it seems… alas, those efforts being slim to none. I am never viewed as beautiful, attractive, or even worthy of being some ones boyfriend/girlfriend. I am just a friend and nothing more to anyone else. I cannot be one with them even if it feels like I want to, they never wish it. My sadness is this very situation, this is why I am sad and this is why I will always remain sad. Only until I can find one to love me as I am will my full happiness be restored. Until then I remain part of the undead…and thus only half living even if showing emotion of joy. Inside my inner heart bleeds with agony. With out a significant other…I am doomed to die alone and cold. In the future my hearts blood may run cold and bitter, as my capacity to love others as much as I do now may fade do to their insignificant ways of treating me.



Born a loving person



But died cold hearted, alone, and with a deep agonizing pain!

Sometimes when your alone for so long you get paranoid. You get paranoid of people not keeping their word because they never have or kept saying they would do something then didn't. Its hard to trust people much because people = shit!



People stare at you in the store to and you even see them make rude comments silently to the person their next to! Maybe I should just start saying things to them. I donno...my thoughts are just...clouded now.

....I'm not sure that I have ever won any battles. The pain still defeats me even now. Those thoughts of lonelyness along with nonexistance, there is nothing that stops this. People betray me, never contacting, never keeping to their word, they pain me by making me feel special but however...I am not anything to them even if there is much emotion towards me with them...I mean nothing but a distant friend never emotionally connected and a pawn in the game.



I wonder...if I'll ever be someones everything...no...because I am to different, to discusting, not their type. Friendship...blah...it means nothing to anyone anymore. I sometimes don't know even why I try to make a difference. Or to even wish what I really want with love, its useless no matter how many people tell me that its not. Its better if I go away from everyone to never return. I have better places to be then here, I'm sick of being sad but yet I have no choice. Am I ever doomed to spend this emotional pain in this earthly hell? Sometimes I think yes.

Sometimes I wonder if the people who truly stand beside you are really who they say they are. You hang out with them but what do they think and feel about you as a person? Are you annoying to them at all? If so...does it make them regret them having you there at all? How do you know someone isn't just faking it? It seems my empathy never works on things that might be real or for personal gain almost. Its either that or I am just not concentrating hard enough. I wonder these things because the way people act at times. Are their intentions truly good, or do they have negative thoughts about me? What things prove a friend is loyal? Is all this feelings I have paranoia, or is it reality?



I'm not stupid...people can seem nice at first and then after a while when they are tired of you they just leave you in the pouring rain with no where to go. I'm so used to being on my own...having no one that I make these things go out in such a way to make others prove them selves as friends. Is that right? Maybe it is...to have trust earned instead of just giving it. I do trust these people...but...there is a barrior there I feel between them and I. I think maybe its not only an emotional barrior but a physical one. I wish to break that barrior and get even more close...closer to them then they ever thought could ever be. Why? Because in my view of life its what friends do. But is that what they want? Maybe...but maybe I should be my self to! To embrace the self that is me. Only time will tell the loyalty of them...

Sometimes I wonder if I really do things right. If my advice is really worthy of someones ear. Sometimes it seems as if I make things worse...but do I really when I have done only good for the people I help. But when you get so deep into the friendship your heart tells commandsyou to help! I don't know how to do certain things sometimes and a lot of the time I am only following my heart to make things right for other people.



Sometimes...I just want to break down because of being so unsure of things!