Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
19 entries this month
ladida dida
23:21 Sep 30 2007
Times Read: 763
Oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we deem to conceive ... mmm I shall not write what I am up to just yet but oh the world shall know what I have done hehe. So all whom read my journal just know whom caused your torment.
And anyone wanting to see my ex bf UA naked & is old enough to recieve them I will gladly let you have them since I shan't be needing them anymore.
woohoo
05:47 Sep 30 2007
Times Read: 770
I'm suspended from the box .... go me *does a li'l jig* Sorry my 1st one ... I'm happy. I so gotta brag about this to Cancer ... he never thought I'd be able to do it lol.
Your Posting Rights were suspended on 23:42:37 Sep 29 2007 by CountessMoon for 3 days.
You can post again after 23:42:37 Oct 02 2007.
I am now ...
05:13 Sep 30 2007
Times Read: 778
I'm unblinded now ... woohoo *sarcastically* Guess it is some good news though.
Oh well it seems that I should just agree to disagree with UA aka dylan. I don't claim to be flawless not by far. Hell I don't ever care to be perfect. All I know is that I was faithful & that I did do things in our relationship but I guess my silence was my downfall. So much for being me. I should stick with those true to whom they are & perhaps I should just be me more than I am. No more changing or over trying to be different, I'm not one to change myself just to please the masses.
Am I gonna let this revelation take me down ... not too much. You love you lose ... thats life right.
Oh well I'll show what I want others to see & the rest I'll keep to myself. I'm not wanting to be hurt again but I'm not going to downcast it either. I am who I am & thats all I can be.
Who'd a thunk it
10:25 Sep 29 2007
Times Read: 785
Well well well. Thats stupid fucker been blaming shit on me just to get caught at his bullshit. Well adios UA for this lovely Lady here isn't playing anymore. I gave chance for an open relationship but it was never stated to be such. Another girlfriend whilst with me .... so foolish. I'm not going to down you so that you feel as if you have something over me. Nah I'm simply gonna say that you are no longer my problem nor concern. I am thru with this relationship & I wish the best for your new toy. Wait I mean gf. Hope she finds you quite amusing to say the least.
Ah I can already smell the sweetness of freedom. I am no longer a joke nor am I taken lightly.
Oh and UA lets hope when I get bored that I don't take vengeance from the grudge I now hold against you. mmmm Grudges are forever & I remember for an eternity.
Guess what? I'm blinded
10:01 Sep 28 2007
Times Read: 795
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Mieta1
Vampire Rave Acolyte
09:25:10
Sep 27 2007
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Rules are set for a reason and it is my job to help enforce them. I know the relationship between you and Fizbop and if we treated people outside the rules we wouldn't have respect. I'm sorry you have been blinded for 3 days as you posted in 3 clan threads you do not belong to.
A Peek Into Me
07:29 Sep 28 2007
Times Read: 804
I don't know if some part of you either sees me as if I'm like all the other girls. There's so many pieces to this puzzle called me & no matter how many times people hear this, they fail to truly believe it. I'm unclassified because I can be playful & immature then bitchy & cold to depressed to wild & zany to void of all emotions. I can be goth, redneck, gangsta, ordinary, a country hick, metropolitian, preppy, etc. I am none yet all. I think like a guy as much as I think as a girl. I can act the age of my son to the age of my great grandmother. I don't keep the same mentality from day to day nor minute to minute. I'm sort of a paradox.
So I implore you to be patient & understanding. Another aspect to know is that I have an uncanny knack at changing any emotion into anger, I think I taught myself this very young & now its 2nd nature to me. I also go thru states that I am 100% void of emotion. Meaning that its impossible to make me happy, sad, mad, etc. These are the times that majority fear me because at that moment one truly can understand what I am capable of doing, my power tends to radiate from me like a warning beacon. There are times that I'm emotional. I tend to get lost or confused and I also have anger issues because I think of myself as weak if I cry. Somewhere along the way I felt like showing this emotion is where many people thought they could take advantage of me. There are days that my intellect shine thru and I will get a li'l annoyed at simple grammar & punctuation errors. either mine or another's. Then there are days that I'm an absolute airhead, my blonde days. Do I have control over my emotions? This question is beyond complicated & to answer it is to actually know me better -sigh- Ill try to make this painless but I guarantee nothing.
I am truly demon spawn. I was born without emotions. my schooling being started at a very young age, I had teachers whom thought my anti-social behavior needed "correcting". What happened was this. I began to learn what human emotions actually were, the human mind intrigued me. Being an empath helped me to better understand emotions & capable of mimicking them extremely well. The one emotion that I have yet to fully grasp is fear. Being a death demon (or as some call me, a goddess) hasn't helped either because in every little thing I know what will hurt me extremely bad or will kill me plus I have already died 3 times, it kinda took some of the adventure out of it. Okay I've probably have overlooked a question or perhaps it has yet to come to your mind, so I'll just zip to it. If you can't feel emotion then do you actually love? Another complicated question. So here I go. Yes I know what love feels like even though I don't "feel" it as people normally do. Meaning? Well I feel it, its just a more distant emotion in comparision. I tend to close by simple things. I have yet to conceive why people can stay under one anothers thumb so much, hence why my "me time" is very very important. Where I lack on emotions I make up in intelligence. Being intrigued how the human mind truly works. I studied psychology on many different levels, so apply all that I know into every single emotion. If I get irate, you best believe I'm also highly aggravated because I haven't yet determined why. **private stuff so no public access** I'll simply thank you for showing I now understand & know better of a nasty li'l emotion. It taught me more about love *smiles a brief moment & quickly goes serious looking again* there is one question I ask myself every now-n-then .... I don' like it so I ignore it.
I am loved to be hated & hated to be loved. I'll admit a part of me enjoys this aspect whereas another part of me cringes from it. i am not for the weak or faint hearted and I am an unique blend. I'm an acquired taste. I'll take time to slow things down so you can take time to know me better & then you can decide if I'm actually what you are expecting. A part of you probably think that this is my way of distancing myself because I'm ready to bail, ha you are so wrong. I don't claim to know you well enough to be able to even say that I know how you'll react to this so I am simply winging it in hopes you can understand. Last thing I need is for you to assume what I mean, instead of understanding. there's so many questions still lingering left unanswered. By all means I am giving you the benefit of the doubt & not once placed pure judgement upon you. Think as you may. *private stuff so no public access*
I spend a lot of time covering up my true emotions at times. I am far from perfect, I know I have flaws. I am defensive so no one hurts me again. I understand the pain all too well as well. Its just if i can't be myself in a relationship it will never work ... I just know me. I am one who wants to be told its over instead of becoming one of many or w/e ones into. There are just some things you have to be honest about.
I sometimes doubt stuff because of something I see or read but thats ,my problem to get over. I don't know what causes my outlook on things within this life nor do I search for my reasonings. I have an underlying understanding of things & I am comforted by it. most of the time I seem cool, calm, & collected but underneath it all I am pure chaos. Oh the havoc I have caused in my many years, the cloud of confusion that I continuously cause. Its just who I am ... I am me.
(to be continued...)
21:42 Sep 26 2007
Times Read: 811
I always feel alone ... there now every knows what the fuck my problem is. I don't think that others actually give a shit about me & I don't expect to be liked but rather loathed. I feel like I am forever alone in my eternal abyss & thats where I am forever trapped for all eternity.
I know better than this but this is how I have always felt even when I am accepted by my peers and I have yet to be able to change that outlook.
Drama drama Dram, Everywhere you look theres Drama
21:34 Sep 26 2007
Times Read: 812
I don't know what to do in this life that is 100% right & I also know that certain keywords make me feel as if someone is upset or angered by an action that I did not cause or intentionally do. I'm not perfect nor do I ever claim to be. I do not let my being called a Goddess or a Queen go to my head because I am no better than anybody else. I am not one to call out another person out of boredom but I will stand my ground as long as I feel the fight is just. I shell up when certain emotions hit me such as when I feel violated or uncomfortable and such. At these times I can seem like a cold steel wall when inside I am falling into a million small pieces. There are those whom can make my bad days bright by simple things that they do & to those I truly appreciate that. Sadly I am one whom doesn't openly thank someone they way they should be thanked. I have my reasons & I don't expect a soul to understand them for at times I cannot understand myself. I'm best described by the way Shrek described himself: "I'm like an onion, you have to peel back my layers. I'm full of layers." I also know that quote isn't correct but its what he meant. And yes I just compared myself to an ogre lol for those who try to show my humor instead of my sadness or madness or wtf/e it is I am in.
Now I also find myself in a small dilemna ... my son is getting bullied at school by 3 boys at once. Two of the boys I know their mother personally, kicked her ass several times for trying to do the same shit. Also one of her boys have already called me an evil woman. They just don't know that its my son they are messing with. Stefani won't do a damn thing to her boys but their daddy will. So hopefully their dad has taken the liberty to put the boys in their place because if not & it happens again I am visiting Stefani with a simple warning: Take control over her boys because the next time I'll show them how I can kick her sorry ass. Believe me she is one of those people who are a waste of space on this planet & I don't say that about anybody without just cause. Now the 3rd boy, I believe that he is simply following the other 2. I wouldn't be so upset by it but these boys are older by 2 grade levels older than my son. Yes I know he has to learn to take care of himself but I just really want to beat Stefani's ass down for the shit she caused when she lived next door last year. Though she may have moved doesn't mean that I don't know where she's at. She fears me & she should, I gave her just cause to. I was never a bully as a matter of fact I was a nerd/geek type person but I earned mad respect. Therefore I keep my respect. Plus theres a chance she has put them boys up to it just as a little payback because well the guy she wanted wanted me instead of her ... sad really because I never wanted him.
My Photography Shown Itself21:15 Sep 26 2007
Times Read: 813
Dear Miranda Johnson,
It's something we don't often do, but after viewing and discussing your photography, the Editorial Advisory Board of the International Library of Photography has nominated you for membership in the most exciting photography organization in the world - the International Society of Photographers!
The Editorial Advisory Board wholeheartedly agrees that your photographic abilities warrant nomination into the International Society of Photographers - a photographic organization that is world-renowned and dedicated to recognizing photographic talent such as yours. As Chairman, I want to personally inform you about all the new benefits of membership, and I did not want you to miss out on this opportunity. Miranda, I know that after hearing what we are about, you will join us as a member of our society - the International Society of Photographers!
Opportunity To Attend The Photographic Event Of The Year!
This year, our conference in Las Vegas drew photographers from around the world! We believe this to be one of the largest single gatherings of photographers in history. Our members had the opportunity to meet and discuss photographs with Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer David Hume Kennerly, Time Magazine photographer Robert Nickelsberg, and famed rock & roll photographer Bob Gruen. We've been entertained by such acts as The Platters and Lee Allen, just to name a few . . . not to mention the largest single cash prize of $10,000 awarded to an amateur photographer. As a member, you will have a chance to win your share of these cash prizes. No matter what style of photography you shoot, you'll find these contests to be exciting and rewarding events.
Sincerely,
Craig Foster
Chairman, Board of Trustees
International Society of Photographers
I just ♥ adore my papi13:35 Sep 16 2007
Times Read: 832
Iamthedevil
07:50:53
Sep 16 2007
Sleep Loved One... Papi iz here... -D-
On 12:49:25 Sep 16 2007 Catalunah wrote:
*eyes closed, slightly smile & lowly whispers* thanks papi
On 12:46:35 Sep 16 2007 Iamthedevil wrote:
( gently kisses your cheek, and whispers in her ear, " yesss you are safe, I will not let anything hurt you... " -D-
On 12:44:05 Sep 16 2007 Catalunah wrote:
*curls up beside you laying my head in your lap and falls asleep feeling safe & loved*
07:19 Sep 16 2007
Times Read: 840
06:59 Sep 16 2007
Times Read: 840
lmfao bc thats the wisest thing I can do atm ... either someone has read my journal already or perhaps he thinks he'll try to treat me like I supposedly do him in the box ... eh idk but this is quite interesting indeed. Well babe in case I foret to say this Happy Birthday on Monday & may your surgery go well. By all means I shall have no partaking in it ... especially since white magicks fuck me up too bad.
Welcome to my life of bullshit for those who have yet to know this.
08:51 Sep 15 2007
Times Read: 841
Ok breathe ... yea my temper is up again but no worries right. I mean I'll only take so much before I go absolutely ballistic, I will just say whatever is on my mind without any thought, for a very long yet brief moment I will be more bluntly honest than anyone cares to hear.
Alright a tidbit that I must say annoys the ever living fuck out of me is being called out in the box when its so easy to just msg me. I don't mind having box drama or anything please don't get me wrong but if you truly personally have a problem with me then don't just throw it out there like that. I'll admit I may do that at times in my journal & shit but its not like an ass load of ppl read it either. If I truly gave a rat's ass at being downed for no apparent reason in the box then don't. Besides I have my comp overloaded atm because of some projects I've been working on. Also I am getting things ready for Benson too. Yes I am fucking going knowing that I'll be leaving next Wednesday but I'm going with my son ... so if you have a problem with that I advise that you keep it to yourself, literally because I'll fuse off at even hearing it 2nd, 3rd, etc hand.
You know what don't anybody fucking give a shit about me for awhile ... I'm sure that while I am in wrath & disorder type of mood I won't even notice because to me I'm once again alone ... myself telling myself rational lies just so that I can make it where I don't do something absoluting 100% A-one stupid. I don't want to hurt anybody & I sure as hell hate feeling like shit because of someone else's rational lying to self.
What I Want To Be When I Grow Up
11:37 Sep 14 2007
Times Read: 849
I think I have finally decided what I want to be in this life so I am now looking into how long I'll have to go to become a mortician. Life is lived more in the company of the dead hehe
10:49 Sep 14 2007
Times Read: 856
07:04 Sep 14 2007
Times Read: 858
Eh, I guess I figured someone would care ... let me take that back before I get myself in trouble ... I wish that for once I wasn't completely made to feel like shit at somebody else's exspense. I mean its like I am suppose to forget what they forget. wtf That doesn't make sense .. especially for me because I can hold onto a small grudge for the rest of my life & never be miserable. I'm by no means easy to explain but why should I have to explain. I mean its like I place myself under a microscope, the one seeing me sees me up close where as my seeing them in so far away, I truly hate that at times but idk what else to do. I feel like shit no matter wtf I do. Sometimes I think that because I am quiet about things to an extent that others think I'm a doormat. If I show any emotion its like they want to grind it up. I'm not blind & I am so fucking far away from being stupid. I'm not going into details about whats put me in this mood only that whom is causing it will either know its them I am speaking of or they will simply just be like the rest wondering who it is. I ask that I not be asked about this because honestly you will not get 100% honest fully answered answer from me. I'm keeping this one inward & no one can make me change my mind about it. Just know that if you do ask me & I respond then you ask me if I'm telling you the truth that my answer will be yes because I am not venting this anymore ... *poof*
08:17 Sep 12 2007
Times Read: 864
Well UA's surgery has been set for Monday, sadly its on his birthday but we are both trying to look positive. I'll admit that finding out his test results have me on wits end with worry. So yes it wasn't the best of news but at least it wasn't the worst either.
I am glad that I have had the chance to talk with Iamthedevil, I missed having them. Besides he is about the only one who can calm me down from all this worrying I've been doing. Guess its easy to say that he is soothing to have round. Oh and he has the most adorable boys ever.
With everything going on I have almost forgotten that STABB will be my way soon ... I can't wait. He is such a wonderful friend to have *smiles*
I don't lack having friends who care nor friends that know me in some ways better than I do. And I appreciate everything they have done for me & I hope they always remember that I am here for them no matter what. If we cannot help each other then we mind as well be walls. Walls hurt ... badly but they do not feel it.
I've came too far to give up yet in what I leave behind there is always a new hope. I think I've finally gone mental XD
Thanks JJ13:41 Sep 06 2007
Times Read: 874
My sister wrote this in her journal. I love ya jannelliejuice *hugs*
For my sister, Catalunah,what being,and having a sister means to me
sisters are a most cherished and special relationship
better than the bestest friend,always and forever beyond the end ,..of time and space,theres nothing
that can fill its place,but her.. the one i can tell all my secrets and know she will keep them, and never use them against me,loving me and backing me,through
all things,as i do her,..vehemently.its a blessed feeling
to get to be the one she turns to when she just needs to be heard, not judged or even commented
on, but just listen to with open ears and heartfelt
quiet understanding. i want you to know, your MY
SIS,and IM YOUR SIS, and in all this big world of all its
beautiful and amazing things, being and having a sister, has got to be one of its greatest and most magical
creations one can ever be blessed with,.. sisterhood.
I love you sis, thanks for loving me and giving me this gift
08:02 Sep 02 2007
Times Read: 882
Yay I'm in better spirits ^.^ I talked with UA earlier & he's ok. He didn't call me yesterday after his tests because he was too sleepy to stay awake. I can understand that because hospitals are mode to do that to ya. Now I'm just hoping that they come back alright or at least with nothing new. I'm worried as hell about his surgery as is ... much less to find out that they are going to do something else as well. Maybe for a change my luck won't cause a bad reaction & everything will stay as is. I don't want him to miss going to Benson this year, especially since me, him, & my cousin Tabs are going to get the best of my cousin tiffany lol.
Oh yea I bought a new corset that I am just dying to wear on the same day she wears hers. talk about another reason to hate me. If she wants to be a spiteful li'l bitch then by all means wait til she gets a load of me. I can't say I didn't warn her beforehand and all. She's the one who flat out stated that when we go to Benson that I best stay out of her way or else, she's asking for an ass cutting seriously. I'm not gonna be literally in her way but I sure as hell ain't gonna move for her either. besides I'm sure she'll start shit just because as soon as I tell Gil that she is not to have my discount at the Myrtle Beach store booth. She can kiss my ass and earn her own fucking discount. I bring Gil business ... a lot, I mean geesh thats the guy who does my peircings & I've known him for at least 10yrs now. I don't know why she would even think that she was getting her very own discount when she's been actually using mine. Oh and not to mention where I get my other discounts at, she'll need me for something & sorry but Mandy ain't giving her shit.
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