The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Its my official man's 41st birthday. So I stayed with him. I have until October 1st to decide between my official man and my legal husband (I have kept an amazing friendship with though we have been separated 3&1/2 years) And I am in internal emotional agony. They have no clue. I can not choose. But what is best for me is what I must do. I don't know what is best for me right now. 5 more days. UGH! sad face seriously. They have meant so much to me. My man is schitzophrenic and I have Borderline Personality Disorder so we clash. We work through 3 months then split for 3 months I go with another that 3 months we are separated. I left my husband after 3 months after I had one mood swing. He says give him 3 months save all my money then I can decide to leave, I will have the money for my own place in 3 months. I know he plans to get me pregnant in that 3 months so I can not leave. Mom says "going back to Calvin he will not let go." I should know that. I want my own place. But I can not afford it right now & this man back & forth is driving me crazy. I have mental problems and cut myself, not for attention but to ease pain inside. I am insane. A wise man told me "repeating the same thing and expecting different results is insanity." I keep repeating the same relationships with the same "males" and end up screwed, hurt, homeless one or all. So my man asks constantly is he going to wake up to a note tomorrow but I said stop or you'll wake up to my blood. The note I left last Friday morning was after he raped me. After on and off two years of a relationship NO didnt mean NO anymore but the anal rape pushed me too far. I only came back because I forgot my cell of all things and wanted to be here for his birthday. None his kids called, his best friend is dead, and only my family has said happy birthday. He spent the day doing laundry at my Uncle Ray's and I had to meet my mom for money for feminine products. He will be doing laundry all day tomorrow too and I work all day. Its all HIS SHIT too his shoes he washed all in tub and laces over bathroom door, and his sweaters and winter clothes. I got nothing for winter. My husband can take care of my material needs better but I AM LOST! I love my husband. And I don't want to let him go. But its one or the other. I can't make my cake and eat it too. I do not understand that metaphor but I have to cut one loose. FOR MYSELF, MY BETTER FUTURE! I g2g. RELEASED whats in me. Instead of cutting myself up I can type it out.

Nathan lets me do as I wish, besides unconsentual sex nonstop. After a year of yeses, NO means nothing. My husband, my Angel, just became aware of the nonconsentual sex for llast several months. But they'd do anything in their power for me. To keep me. Now I know Calvin could take care of me, and in 3 months I could have my own place, but his plot is to impregnate me in that 2 months so I dont leave. I want my own apartment. I want to live my own life not in fear of eviction or rape or a beggar. I needed Calvin because of Randy robbing me. We remained friends through our separation. We slept together through our separation. Nathan back from store g2g TMI HERE 4 HIS EYES

Randy and I hit 3 months. He robbed me. Stole my debit card, I was passed out from one drink, and he stole my debit card, took his $240 in cash from my purse and left. What he did with it, I DONT KNOW, maybe smoked rock, maybe not. Joel a mutual "friend" was where we were, his house. So Randy denied admitted to it. I planned on staking out this month with him to rob him in October. Didnt make it. My 12year old daughter (not biological but mine who lives with her grandmother my son some cousins and oldest sister) was taken by DCYF when she bit her grandmother on the knuckle and beat up her 18 year old sister who pressed charges. She spent one night in a Providence group home. Now back with her grandmother. So with that Nathan&I got back together leaving Randy to mourn pathetically with his sister. He has ACL surgery Thursday, keeps saying he is and is not g2g it. Not my problem anymore. My daughter first. And he screwed himself robbing me like that. Yeah I told everyone at the Newport County Mental Health Center. So if he robs them they got a heads up. Being back with Nathan has been an emotional roller coaster itself with my beloved husband Calvin on one side of a rope, Nathan and my kids on the other side. So I feel like a tug of war and am breaking down. I am broke and struggling with materials right now. Calvin, I love so much I dont want to go back to knowing I will walk out/away again leaving him with the same pain and devastation in his eyes&soul again. I can not bring myself to go back knowing the outcome. Nathan & I are used to this emotional back and forth goodbye roller coaster. And we have 3 kids involved. Randy family is worse than he is, sad but true. Got a heads up from a neighbor I didnt know if I could trust thought her&his sister Paula were "BFFs" and she said "no friends close, enemies closer, Paula is my enemy. She dogs us all when we are not there, Randy really loves you and needs to get away from Paula. Paula wasnt upset he robbed you, but upset he didnt split it with her." HEADS UP! LIL LATE BUT she said she was going to have my sister Janie she knows takes me out of there cuz they money hungry manipulative fake ass people using me. Randy&I were paying the rent not her. Rent $825 nothing included, and increased due to owed back rent. Randy & I were paying $650 him $400 me $250 WHATEVER IM GONE DONE AND OUT! But I want my own place and I can have it fast, saving all my money, he will take care everything else. But I turn him down to not hurt him like that again. He wants a child. That too is an issue at this time. I am not ready for a child. But financially we can do it with his job and our checks. Mentally, psychologically, physically I do not agree still. Almost 4 years later since we been married. And separated. CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!