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So Joshua left, and let me know when he hit Albany, his house and happy Easter. And said he misses me. Craig asked me if I was cheating on him last night cuz I "manged to learn how to give head" (GROSS) I was pissed and guilty. I threw away my book of shadws just in case someday he picked it up,flipped it open adn read the wrong passage.. Guilt lies within me, within me is where it will stay. I love him and now he wants to be serious when I say its over. I was hoping hed walk away and I would let him go on my own terms, not his, but he called and it all changed. I am happy now he makes more time for me and calls me to say hi and stuff. I am always babysitting so its not like hed catch me cheating. I love him and want to break it off so he doesnt know I screwed him over and made many mistakes, but changing now, not cheating anymore, does that change anything? I cheated but am not anymoer, you still want to stay together? Uh, NO slut I believe hed throw me out the car or slap me in the face. I would deserve it. He wans me to cut off all maes around me, no more Cezar(very jealous of him, I love him too and he made my time in NY great. Of course I slept with Cezar too, hot sweet Pueto Rican. ILOVECRAIG I dont deserve him. But how do I let him go, let go of being selfish not to hurt him anymore. Lifes complicated...

Joshua goes home tomorrow. I am sad but we keep in touch. I saw Craig this morning, he slept over. Joshua slept over the night before. Yeah I slept with Joshua. Craig has no idea I cheat on him. Cezar called yesturday too to say hi. I miss him alot, but he's staying in NY. Pop is supposed to be coming down to see skye (GROSS) Stacy and Skye are having abortions together. Looks like Janie may be having twins. NOT BABYSIT-TING I am in an awkward state of mind. Be nice If I could just smoke some weed. I met with my c ase manager Nikki today. She is young and pretty and nice. I dont seem to be like any other of their patients. I have mental illnesses but the only hard parts are remembering meds and staying calm when breaking down. Craig slept with me, both naked. I was so happy. But he was mad this morning cuz he had his dad's car and mom's keys (NOT GOOD) when his mam has to go to work and etc. I cleaned the house after my my apt with nikki. She suggested writing, so I am going to write her a letter when I am sad or depressed. G2G trying to persuade JOshua to let me drive his truck in the beach parking lot. I want to be a premium member on here, just have to wait til may when I have money.. LATER

ILOVEYOU CRYSTAL AND JENNIFER AND MISS YOU BOTH LOTS

But it is beautiful weather outside, for a long itme it has been cold and nasty outside. I am waiting patiently on Joshua's arrival here. No response from him yet. So I went to the liq store last night and got some liq for freee, made $35 off kids, SWEET! And we were talking bout our lives (secret lives) like how we are happily taken by one person yet seeing another. We believe our boy/girl friend is the one yet we both take chances with someone else. I do it for attention to have someone hold me and tell me im beautiful, he does it for good head and probably better sex. I dont think anyone could defeat Craig in bed, my emotions roll with him ,we move positions alot and I give him head no one else. I dont even like doing it but it makes him happy. I love making him happy. I can make him cum in like 3 min by giving him head and then we have sex for hours. Others are short and lame. ILOVECRAIG! I need help on being faithful. Hed leave me in a sec if he believed I cheated. I believe hes faithful to me and just puts friends first, and I dont mind, just mind when I never seee him, and when I call hes partying with Keith and people. MAKES ME MAD when I need him most hes never around. I cant cry in front of him, he would rather run then hear me cry or see tears in my eyes or deal with my yelling and my temper. Id ont tihnk he likes to deal with my emotions or any even his emotions. so I can handle not showing them but does that necessarily mean he doesnt care if he cant handle being with me emotionally??? I dont know. But I can deal with crying alone as long as he always comes back. SSI in 3 weeks (4/03 @ 9:30 am in Prov) and then my next birth control shot (4/10) I need a new place to get my shots too, need to start looking but with no medical right now. I should be able to find a place right after my medical is in. Well at library with mom. Off to go shopping soon. I need to go to Barnes&Noble today too for Sandra ans myself. LATER

So St.Patrick's Day right around the corner, Joshua's coming down for the weekend til Tues, and we can go drink and chill together. He just turned 21 on 3-12...COOL! I am happy to get time away with someone visiting. Craig is dismissed for this weekend. He only comes to sleep with me anyway, Joshua and I can actually hang out not just have sex. OH dont get me wrong, I want Craig to be my future, but I want to feel attention to if not by him by others. I am a good girl, I dont sleep with dirty dudes, male whores, or someone who got kids etc. Joshua is going to Sienna college in NY, is in the army, a hunter, mature, handsome etc. Cezar was my bad ass and he played with my hair, got me high, and stayed with me for awhile. I dont want to do this anymore, I am hurting all those i Love and myself, Im sick. I saw Zach Luther the other day(well his cousin called him over) but they didnt say shit. DramA! foolish and immature over what happened 3 yrs ago. GROW UP! Same with Kayla and Bobby. Sean just has split personality issues. Its good. As long as I put myself, career, future, health first I should be fine. Well so far all tests have come back negative, school is my own psychology study and Wicca until I can pay off school to get the next subject. And myself well I dont have much to do with myself. I smoke weed, clean houses (mine ANd Skyes), relax, sleep, study, shower, coffee, Craig once a week or less time than that, but Joshua is saving my weekend and we can drunk together. Well thats the UPDATE of my LIfe.

Life is alright, you know. Goes up and down. I miss Craig when we are not together, but we were last night. Great sex as usual, he never said Iloveyou though, not at all or back when I said it. I ignored it though. He loves me, im just not important right now. Its ok. When I have school back and a job, itll be easier not to think about him. I havent talked to Cezar in awhile, miss him but hope hes alright. Joshua is coming down from Albany,NY this weekend, IM am thrilled. He tells me im beautiful & looks in my eyes. Craig doesnt. He was thinking about something last night but wouldnt say it. I thought he was going to leave me agian. He didnt or I wouldve hit him in the face. Always leaving me after sex, not uh. NOT COOL! I didnt give him head. He didnt go down on me either. SAW an ex last night, with his female cousin. I ignored thier presence like they ignored mine. She started mumbling shit to others, I told her too damn bad, and it was over. Zach showed up after. I was happy to go fuck Craig then stay there with all the tension. I want to fight Jess ( his cousin) just to win and have him shutr up, hed probably say I lost anyway like he said Kaitlyn beat me up. WHATEVER> I am not letting it bother me, cuz i KNOW THE TRUTH. I need someone to love me. Thats al I ever wanted was not to go through life alone. I am good now. LATER job interview tomorr SO HAPPY!