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So how do I do an amazing strong tarot reading and the events discussed were already happening and shattered today. I left my happiness for my home, and now the happiness is back at my door. Homeman bugging and I'm terrified to lose what I have for happiness(no food example) but damn sleeping on a matt on the floor was fine because we were happy. I left it for a family. But homeman says things and does other things. I want to be happy. But I don't know how to be. All my choices and decisions and roads I have to cross one way I have to be happy with me. Then happiness can knock when its inside me it can come from another as well. But right now, money talks, well needing money to make steps. Mass. Court, school, cell my real only bills half rent/half verizon phone&internet, hygiene and house products. Then cigarettes&bud. Those are monthly check bills, during the month weekly checks now $46 week works on my cigarettes, bud, and food. So I completely changed topic. I ditched my HAPPINESS for my HOME but if HOME is where the HEART IS I haven't been at home at all. TIME! I give the Lord this hand, last time with happiness it didnt end out well, I was heartbroken and back where I started with homeman. Happiness back for me cuz split with sick crazy druggy wife. I saw more truths about him after I left him. Shooting up pills, smoking lot of crack, not bathing, wearing the same clothes. LIES. Little lies coming out make you doubt the BIG LIES. What were they, where were they hiding? INSIDE HIM NOT FOR ME TO SEE BUT PRESENT LIES TOO. I allow homeman to get away with EVERYTHING! Because he takes care of me with EVERYTHING! So typing this out I already knew I was not leaving home for happiness. Not today or tomorrow. I got to make myself happy first. The Lord with guide me, I must keep wait adn patience. TEMPTATIONS was in the card. DEVIL, TOWER, KING&QUEEN PENTACLES, 6&7 PENTACLES, hermit 5 swords.strong reading showed events around me and I must make my decisions they will affect me for a long time. HAPPINESS? HOME? HELL? HAMSTER CAGE? BIRD CAGE? UHHH LORD I GIVE THIS TO YOU...Sorry I did not before but please give me strength and keep me safe. I thought I would be blue and discuss missing and wanting happiness back too but the lies are in sight. The beauty comes with a bite. I am where I am because I am meant to be at this time. This is me being open not a confession. I thought I was going to confess loving Bryan and wanting him back BUT IM NOT, IM OKAY where I am and I am where I am meant to be. I thought I would whine about the rapes, and lockups but IM NOT IM OKAY with it. NOT OK just dealing with it. I AM OKAY! I AM STRONG & NEED TO WATCH WHERE I LEAP OR I WILL FALL DOWN DEEPER THAN BEFORE AND SUFFFER&HURT MYSELF MORE AS WELL AS OTHERS. WORSE UNCLE RAY SAID HE WILL NOT TALK TO ME IF I TALK TO BRYAN OR SEE HIM! NATHAN HAPPY HEAR THAT ONE!

g2g find big man clothing stores for uncle ray that will mail him magazines.

So I admitted to believing in one God the Father and Jesus Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit. So why am I lured to learn wicca or witchcraft? Why do I want to feel the power inside my soul, its beauty and positive energy bring out of me and surround me and feel it and see it? How can I say I am a Christian when I am attracted to learning Wicca/Witchcraft/the Craft. I found another coven nearby. I found another coven leader in Portsmouth and emailed him. Cameron of the first coven has not emailed me back on a date for coffee to meet me see if I am suitable for her/his circle. It may be a guy but Cameron Diaz lol is a chick. I read fantasies on magic but truly want to learn how to make my own circle. How to block out noise physical and negativity. To read others. To know and see who is positive/negative for me. How I can learn to make money and gain my own place. So I guess with what Im typing I just need meditation and peace inside me. I know/believe forming my own circle I can release all negative from me and see the beauty of my soul and the positivity inside myself. So emailed two coven leaders now its a waiting game. Where am I going? I don't know. MAJOR CONFUSION! Put Max to bed already. He got his playpen today got to get used to it like everything else. We did laundry all day at Uncle Ray's house. I did a 3 card tarot free online and got the tower, the fool and the moon. From my own personal learning the tower is like the worse card in the deck, but ends okay. Like everything falls apart which sucks and has to be rebuilt for the better. But this online reader says "GREAT NEWS FOR YOU" maybe these 3 cards together work out great. I did my own tarot reading and got Nathan&I inside almost every card. The 2nd card, my influence at present was Page of Cups(it was a Page) was a man sitting on what looks ed like a thrown and had a lion on the back of his neck (I have always called Nathan my lion since we met due to his lion eyes and had a sexy mane in the beginning. Now I call him a pussycat cuz I think he is a byachh. Sad but true. I see him as a pussycat with a lion's eyes conceal the child inside himself. So that told me Nathan is obvious still a big part of my life. Then my final card the Emperor said Something is coming, person, message something is coming to watch for it. I have to watch. And I am so unfocused on life I get distracted from prayer and Bible reading with thought distractions. I want to open my third eye and see the world in a clearer beautiful light. I love nature, the green grass, woods, waterfalls, springs, ocean, shells, rocks, babies, human and all animals. I watched my cats have their kittens (once on my bed while I was sleeping) I remember the cat's cries and giving birth and the scent after they were born, watching mommy kitty eat the kittens sacks. Watching the kittens grow open their eyes and wander everywhere to cause mischief. Watching my first niece, my Angel to my last niece Baby Angel Lena, from the first day I saw all nieces and nephews and Godchildren in the hospital after their births to even now. Angel 12 in July and Baby Angel Lena only almost 4 months old. the beauty and innocence in everyone of them. The beauty in my spotted gar George to his waving his front fins at us, dance in his bubbler filter and snap at his fish, Daphne our cat took 3 months to let me pet her now year and 9 months later sleeps in between our heads. Our new Max getting used to us now getting used to his playpen. His three children I see as my own how much they grew in almost 2 years. I dont know where I belong. I love fantasy. And mytsic, magick, fairy tales, dark tales, I love it all but I want the reality of it. I believe in it I want to see it feel it be part of it. So finding a nearby coven should be helpful should one coven accept me and teach me. Nathan says do as you wish just remember the Lord there in the back of your mind. I understand and believe him but I wish he would go to church with me Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights. The Lord has put Nathan in my life and I am grateful for everything I have, I just want my own things, my own apartment, and clothes and shampoo, to be independent. It seems I am stuck to one spot for years and when I move forward I am stuck again for years in one spot/situation. I want to be solitary. I want my own space. My independence. Time will tell what happens.

Rape. Whenever. 2,3 days after surgery its supposed to be 2 weeks. Pain, fear of pregnancy by him, infection, he doesnt think of my consequences. UPS&DOWNS he wanted a week space then no weed in house ending up buying and bombing with his brother the same night while I was sleeping and so were the kids. Today we had an okay good day besides the non concentual sex. I slept alot nightmares through the night and day. COPS! Well Uncle Ray just called to say couple guys robbed a house and cops knocking on every door. Im tired but dont want to just sleep. I was looking up witchcraft and covens again today. Then came across an interview with the author of the book aftershock talking about the next Great Depression is on us and take care your money, property, mortgage, retirement etc. I am nervous. Being poor on disability, medical, republicans been trying to take ssi and ssdi for centuries. Food stamps go up and down every month. Every earned cash buck is loss of few foodstamp bucks. Crazy. So in search of covens comes the reality they believe in a horned God like Satan horns duh and Goddesses and other Gods. How the Roman Gods came about I do not know but I only know what I have learned. There is ONE GOD and had a son through a virgin Jesus Christ who was born to die for the world. Due to the first humans who caused sin begot sin through all humankind. There is things I don['t want to accept such as wives submit to your husbands, but times have changed. No I am not an innocent human myself, I sin everyday the same sins and ask forgiveness every day and wonder. But wives submitted to their parents then husbands in the beginning of time. For centuries. Homosexuals getting married now, abortion accepted, these things we learn are against God make us go against HIM. I am straight, I don't judge the homosexuals, those who sell drugs, do drugs, have abortions, steal. I GO AGAINST RAPE, SEX OFFENDERS, CHILD ABUSERS IN ANY WAY FROM NEGLECT TO MURDER &WORSE. MURDER-well there is manslaughter, 1st,2nd,3rd degrees and others. SELF DEFENSE ID NOT MURDER AS LONG AS IT WAS TO SAVE A LIFE YOUR OWN OR ANOTHER'S THAT BROUGHT ABOUT THE DEATH! These are my beliefs. I celebrate New Years through Christmas including not limited to St.Patrick's Day, Easter, Independence Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving. I enjoy Halloween because the kids enjoy it and its all about dressing up and getting candy. WE ALL LOVE CANDY! I believe the elements are Earth, Air, Fire, Water and their direction of the compass North, East, South, West. I believe the elements and believing in ourselves gives us energy which way we use it is up to us and all comes back times 3 KARMA. I do not need witchcraft. I just need myself and my space. SPACE exactly. Then I am at peace. At Mom's in Middletown I had my own room and altar and space and silence. Not Here. One bed room, living room and kitchen connected and bathroom. No sacred space for me. I love Nature. I used to walk the train tracks and small wooded area in Newport. I used to go camping too alot and loved it, but don't have access to camp now. Still Summer. I don't have to give up but broke til July anyway. I may get to go to Indiana still but Im depending on his money to get there. Once im there I will be taken care of but I have to get there. He nosing around. Homedude. We had a good day too. I got up at 9am got kids up and in shower for their nana ate meds talked to Max went back to sleep til 12:30 and showered we went to Dunkin then Petco&Barnes&Noble and came home had pot pies bombed chilled with Max. Max broke a blood feather last night. My son was almost in tears cuz I said if we dont pull it he will bleed to death. I pulled it. Poor thing. Looks like his right leg is swollen too from holding him to pull it out. I had blood on my hands Nathan thought it was mine. Then when we realized he was not bleeding no more I put him in the bath tub. Unwanted bath. Now he doesnt want to be down on anything but on our hands and shoulders and in our arms. I am happy, love him but he got me pretty good today trying to take him out not wanting him to stress out he bit me up. He asleep now. He is ok. Put him to Daphne's nose and she sniffed his legs he pecked at her nose fluttered his wings a lil bit and she backed off him. And she dont bother him when he out on our shoulders either. Good Kitty. Lord forgive me for my beliefs against Your Word through the centuries things changed and YOU and YOUR WORD DID NOT forgive me for changing. I love You Lord and Your Son Jesus Christ. AMEN. And I would appreciate YOUR HELP in finding my own place, path, way, life trail etc.

GOOD NIGHT VR