The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old

girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he

could see while he helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and

pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted

him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.



The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the

wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in

there in the first place......smack his butt again!"

Subject: blonde joke





A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.



After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. "Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"



"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

9 Things I Hate About People........







1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?









2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change the channel manually.







3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?







4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!







5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.







6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?



7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.







8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? !







9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?

Now hold tight for a special story about friendship. 8 years ago I met this thin, blonde, mysterious lady. My crazy schitzo cousin had introduced us, so I was very leery of who or what she may be.

We began discussing world matters, divinity, the big hereafter. We had discovered that we had much in common. Low and behold, we were both witches.

We have maintained a really good friendship over the years,(even though the cousin is in left field and exiled)we have held on to our friendship.

She comes to me with this new internet service, "It's all the rage with my nieces!", she says. I bite, I join, and as you guess it's VR. I have enjoyed most of my time on here, too, I might add. But this isn't the point of my story.

She has this ability to fix my mood for me, I mean, if I am low and have lost my path, she was there. If I would make a hasty decision, she would remind me of karma. She is really a true friend. She recently was inducted into a house on VR. I would like to let anyone and everyone to know that "mysticwinds" is a sensational person, and I am proud to be her friend, and if she has talked to any of you out there, you are blessed.

I will always hold her in high regards, and so should you. BB Gina!~ CapriAl

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said,

> > "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."

> >

> > The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors

> > and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large

> > round table.

> > In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled

> > delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting

> > around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be

> > famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were

> > strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the

> > pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer

> > than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

> >

> > The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The

> >

> > Lord said "You have seen Hell."

> >

> > They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the

> > same as the first one. There was the large round table with the

> > large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people

> > were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the

> > people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

> >

> > The holy man said "I don't understand."

> >

> > "It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see,

> > they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of

> > themselves."

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....



When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not

produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel

the pressure of being behind schedule.



Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This

stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,

Heaven knows where. More stress.



Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the

toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.



So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a

shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the

elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his

frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into

hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the

broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He

opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big

Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.

Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you

like me to stick it?"



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas

tree....