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I have wasted 5 yrs of my life holding onto something that will never be.



I am tired of holding back all I could give to others because of one single person.



I am tired of being in love with someone who could give two shits if I am or not. Someone

who barely gives me the time of day.



Why I am writing this in my journal? Well isnt this the place to bare all and share all that is on our minds. And to let things out.



I bare my soul through writing... I am not one to

speak my feelings... writing them is much better for me...it is in a way a healing process.



I am angry with myself for allowing this to go on as long as it has. So I am letting go... I cant carry this with me any longer... I WILL find someone who will love me as much as I love him.



I will not waste anymore of my love on someone who refuses to accept it.

Wow all I was gonna do is write a blog on a dear friend of mine here at MySpace to continue on with my Special friends series...But this is gonna be a 2 part blog...Cause I just have to say something that has been kinda bugging me for days now... I hope this doesnt end up being too long if so, sorry.



First off before I go into the part(s) about my friend let me just start off by saying that there have been some people that say that I am a FAKE and I am not being MYSELF... Well let me just say a simple FUCK YOU to those people... I have always been myself...never have I NOT been.



I'll admit to being slightly odd in my interests but that certainly does not make me a fake...So I like the country life and farm animals, Bulls horses etc... does that mean I cant like city things as well...??? So what if I like country music...does that mean I cannot be a big fan of Mushroomhead, Godsmack or Type O Negative?? So does this mean it isnt possible for a cowboy to like Rock n Roll?? Well Chris LeDoux (R.I.P) would beg to differ.



And for the record...for those who are CONFUSED...I am NOT a cowgirl...just because I used to live on a ranch and had farm animals does not mean I was ever a cowgirl...the last time I was on a horse was when I was 18. I dont rope and ride and any of that...my cowgirl way goes only as far as loving the animals...and absolutley loving Bucking Bulls...beyond that...NO. Oh yeah and owning a cowboy hat...



And I am also NOT GOTH... damn... YES I love the goth look and Goth art and I do shop at HOT Topic but I am so NOT Goth...Its amazing how one can be put into categories based on the "Look" of their layout and the artwork they place on it. lol



Bottom line is....I am simply just ME... I am all sorts of things rolled into one...which by my standards makes me very unique. Like me or dont like me....I really could give a fuck either way.



Now that I have gotten that off my chest... now I have a dear friend I want to make mention of...and I chose her due to a few reasons....but we wont go into that.



Now I have mentioned her before in a Special friends segment on MySpace a long while back....but I MUST make mention again...



Gashley Darcane... The first time I ever spoke to Gashley I asked her for permission to make graphics and layouts w/her pics. She so graciously said yes and well from there we started to chat...(or send messages etc) cause whenever I made a new graphic I would show it to her...we have had many long very personal conversations....I trust Gashley with all my heart and I KNOW she feels the same....well ya just dont give personal information to someone ya dont trust... Anyway... I love her dearly...to me she is one of the greatest gals I have ever known. And I must say that out of all my friends I have ever had in my lifetime...Gashley is the most like myself....and for all you nay sayers ...you can talk all the shit ya want about Gashley...you're not gonna change my mind...call me obsessed all you want.... I absolutley adore her.....and I care a lot about her in a loving supportive way...I would do anything in my power for her.



And all you Gashley Darcane fans who are reading this I am starting The first official Gashley Darcane fan club so ya best be getting on board...;)



Gashley sweety....I wuv ya to pieces....Muah

Dream Analyzers??? Analyze this one. LOL





Last night I had the most strange dream...

That I was playing in the snow with Anton LaVey.

It was quite comical actually cause we were making

snowmen and throwing snow at each other.



Then we sat down on a snowbank and we drank some liquor.

And he put his arm around me and started talking seriously to me.

I couldnt hear a word he was saying though....



I have no idea what the hell I'd dream that for but

just wanted to share that with certain members on my list.







P.S. My dreams usually have some sort of real life significance...



OH NO.....dont tell me its gonna snow soon.... LMAO..

What ever happened to it? Is there even such a thing anymore? I wonder. Or has it become extinct along with the Sabor tooth Tigers and Dinosaurs...??? Have we no conscience anymore? Do we think its ok to lie to someone just as long as it benefits us yet hurts the other person? Has this become such a vile fu*ken society that it has become ok to hurt each other with untruths...??



May the gods of hell reign doom down upon the cowardly beasts who are too weak to tell the truth.