It is time to leave the past behind...20:55 Apr 05 2006
Times Read: 684
It is time for me to shut down. I haven’t made myself apathetic (yes I can make myself do this) in a long time. I have allowed myself to feel and I have allowed my masks to get in the way. It is very complicated, but it is time that I stop lying to the world and get on with my life. I know that many of you will say that by doing this I will actually be running away and hiding and that that is being weak. I do care what you think, but I am not going to let it show.
I have always put on a mask, and I will continue to do so. It is just time for me to change that particular mask that I am wearing. I don’t know when I started to lie to myself, but it is time that I stop doing that. I have lost myself in all the lies. I have forgotten my own advice.
At night, when I am alone, I need to do what I used to do. I need to strip away the masks that hide what is in my heart. I need to break apart the shields that protect my fragile mind. I need to tear down the barriers that protect my soul. I need to find out who I really am behind all of these lies and illusions that I have created. It is bad enough that I strive to fool others, but I have also been fooling myself for too long.
I do not mean to hurt anyone with what I have to say, or with what I will be doing. It is, in my opinion, for everyone’s good. I am sorry if you hate me after this, but I guess that that is what I deserve then. I know that you deserve the truth, so I shall give it to you.
I do not love in the same manner that many of you think. I spout words of love and joy because I am good with my words and have created a wonderful illusion that I have lived in for the past four years.
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”I think people want their illusions and writers are mostly illusion. When you read their words, you read a flattened, incomplete version of the writer.” – Real Live Preacher (RealLivePreacher.com)
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I have thought that I have loved, but I now see that that is not true. The first person that I thought that I loved, I now believe that I only lusted after. I realized this quite some time ago, I just didn’t know how to reveal this. I guess that it does not matter anymore as it is probably over between us. Now I just need to tell her. The second person that I thought I loved still believes that I love her. I know that I love her; it just isn’t in the way that I thought that I did. She is a dear friend to me, and I know that I am breaking her heart if she is reading this, or I will soon when I tell her.
My mother asked me if it was possible for me to be asexual. I told her that this was not possible since asexual people do not want sex and do not lust after either males or females. This is not true for me. I do feel for the male gender. I can look at a guy and say he is ‘cute’ or ‘I’d go for him’. I can’t look at a woman and do this, though.
I guess that you could say that I am having major issues with my identity. I have to go back to square one and reevaluate everything that has happened and decide where to go from there. Also, my friendships are falling apart. My ‘best friend’ isn’t that any more. My ‘lovers’ won’t be that any more, either, at the rate that my life is going.
I guess that what they say is true: “You come into this world alone and even if you are holding someone’s hand, you still die alone.”
My mother told me that she would rather have me be alone in life than travel down the path that I am traveling. I guess that I have seen the proverbial light and I see that she is right. It is time for me to turn my life around and get it back on track because I left the track behind years ago and I need to find it again.
You may say that I am conforming to the tight parameters of life, but that isn’t how I see it. I can be a very independent person when I want to be. Though, when you look at the other extreme, there are people in this world whose opinion matters to me more than anything else and I will do nearly everything in my power to keep them happy. I am generally the former with my friends and I am the latter with my parents.
Neil, I’m sorry, but this is all that I can say right now. Trisha, I’m sorry if this is the way that you are finding out this information. Amber, I am sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner, and I hope that this isn’t how you find out. Josi, you have changed so much in the past couple of years, and that isn’t a good thing. We are coming to a ‘parting of the ways’ and that is how it has to be.
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“It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are full of the truth-less ideal which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded.” – W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
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