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BloodyPixie's Journal


BloodyPixie's Journal

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23 entries this month
 

Just Words (thank you Max XD)

23:24 Apr 28 2008
Times Read: 551


I look in your eyes and I see hate

I hold your hand and I feel tension

I hear your voice and I cry

I see you walk by and I die



Forget me...

Forget everything...

Forget the past...

Forget the memories...



Why does it matter?

Why do I try?

Why am I so foolish?

Why can't I die?



This face you see

This heart you broke

This hand you held

This soul you stole



Kill me now

Kill me swiftly

Kill me quickly

Kill me steadily



Love does not exist

Love is hate

Love only kills

Love tears us apart



Friends you say?

Friends don't lie

Friends don't cheat

Friends don't exist



Hate is what I feel

Hate is what I am

Hate is what you express

Hate is my love



Goodbye yesterday

Goodbye today

Goodbye tomorrow

Goodbye forever


COMMENTS

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When will they learn?

09:52 Apr 23 2008
Times Read: 555


The sun sets



And yet I am alone



The seat beside me empty



And cool to the touch



When will I have



That special something



That I have been longing for?



When will this empty seat here



Be warm once again



And become occupied



By the one special thing



That I have been longing for



I have looked and looked



Yet found nothing in sight



When will this pain inside



Subside with love



And recieve the love it needs



"When will they learn?"



My heart cries out



"Why cant they see



"That they are hurting me



"Pushing and shoving



"Tearing and breaking



"When will they ever learn



"That they are killing me?"



Clawing and stabbing



Tearing and shredding



I think to myself



When will they learn?


COMMENTS

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Perfect timing

09:52 Apr 23 2008
Times Read: 556


The cool breeze caresses my warm cheeks



As I sit here watching the sun set



The sky looking like blue purple and pink cotton candy



To my surprise I feel a gentle nudge



A handsome stranger smiles down at me



I smile back nervously and let him sit beside me



We exchange hellos and converse about ourselves



As he talks I cannot help but notice



The perfection of his skin that makes you want to reach out and touch it



His beautiful golden brown eyes that shimmer in the light



His mahogany hair glistening in the setting sun



His handsome smile that always seems to be there



Shivers go down my spine as he talks



And butterflies fill my stomach



Moments of silence pass as we stare out to the horizon



Simultaneously we face each other and blurt out words



Completely embarassed we look away



He speaks first and mutters out "Will you go out to dinner with me?"



I nervously nod my head and slowly slide to his side



He wraps his arm around my shoulders and hugs me slightly



I smile to myself and lean my head on his shoulder



We watch the sun set in silence



And the seagulls crying above us



The breeze increases and i start to shiver



He holds me closer and rests his head on mine



The wind blows and my nose is filled with his sweet scent of his after shave



The sun slowly sinks into the horizon



And we are left in the dark in each others arms



A cell phone rings and we both jump



Laughing nervously we both stand up



We give one another our numbers and nervously hug



Walking our separate ways I cannot help but smile to myself



Today was a good day



For once in my lifetime



I was not alone.



COMMENTS

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Rain

01:55 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 565


As the falling rain

trickles among the stones

memories come bubbling out.

It’s as if the rain

had pierced my temples.

Streaming

streaming chaotically

come memories:

the reedy voice

of the servant

telling me tales

of ghosts.

They sat beside me

the ghosts

and the bed creaked

that purple-dark afternoon

when I learned you were leaving forever,

a gleaming pebble

from constant rubbing

becomes a comet.

Rain is falling

falling

and memories keep flooding by

they show me a senseless

world

a voracious

world--abyss

ambush

whirlwind

spur

but I keep loving it

because I do

because of my five senses

because of my amazement

because every morning,

because forever, I have loved it

without knowing why.


COMMENTS

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Snow

01:54 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 566




Once with my scarf knotted over my mouth

I lumbered into a storm of snow up the long hill

and did not know where I was going except to the top of it.

In those days we went out like that.

Even children went out like that.

Someone was crying hard at home again,

raging blizzard of sobs.



I dragged the sled by its rope,

which we normally did not do

when snow was coming down so hard,

pulling my brother whom I called by our secret name

as if we could be other people under the skin.

The snow bit into my face, prickling the rim

of the head where the hair starts coming out.

And it was a big one. It would come down and down

for days. People would dig their cars out like potatoes.



How are you doing back there? I shouted,

and he said Fine, I’m doing fine,

in the sunniest voice he could muster

and I think I should love him more today

for having used it.



At the top we turned and he slid down,

steering himself with the rope gripped in

his mittened hands. I stumbled behind

sinking deeply, shouting Ho! Look at him go!

as if we were having a good time.

Alone on the hill. That was the deepest

I ever went into the snow. Now I think of it

when I stare at paper or into silences

between human beings. The drifting

accumulation. A father goes months

without speaking to his son.



How there can be a place

so cold any movement saves you.



Ho! You bang your hands together,

stomp your feet. The father could die!

The son! Before the weather changes.

COMMENTS

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Who has seen the wind?

01:54 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 567


Who has seen the wind?

Neither I nor you.

But when the leaves hang trembling,

The wind is passing through.

Who has seen the wind?

Neither you nor I.

But when the trees bow down their heads,

The wind is passing by.


COMMENTS

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Black Petal

01:53 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 568


I never claimed night fathered me.

that was my dead brother talking in his sleep.

I keep him under my pillow,

a dear wish that colors my laughing and crying

I never said the wind, remembering nothing,

leaves so many rooms unaccounted for,

continual farewell must ransom

the unmistakable fragrance our human days afford.

It was my brother, little candle in the pulpit,

reading out loud to all of earth

from the book of night.

He died too young to learn his name.

Now he answers to Vacant Boat,

Burning Wing, My Black Petal.

Ask him who his mother is. He’ll declare the birds

have eaten the path home, but each of us

joins night’s ongoing story

wherever night overtakes him,

the heart astonished to find belonging

and thanks answering thanks.

Ask if he’s hungry or thirsty,

he’ll say he’s the bread come to pass

and draw you a map

to the twelve secret hips of honey.

Does someone want to know the way to spring?

He’ll remind you

the flower was never meant to survive

the fruit’s triumph.

He says an apple’s most secret cargo

is the enduring odor of a human childhood,

our mother’s linen pressed and stored, our father’s voice

walking through the rooms.

He says he’s forgiven our sister

for playing dead and making him cry

those afternoons we were left alone in the house.

And when clocks frighten me with their long hair,

and when I spy the wind’s numerous hands

in the orchard unfastening

first the petals from the buds,

then the perfume from the flesh,

my dead brother ministers to me. His voice

weighs nothing

but the far years between

stars in their massive dying,

and I grow quiet hearing

how many of both of our tomorrows

lie waiting inside it to be born.


COMMENTS

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When we two parted

01:52 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 569


When we two parted

In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted

To sever for years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold,

Colder thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold

Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning

Sunk chill on my brow-- I

t felt like the warning

Of what I feel now.

Thy vows are all broken,

And light is thy fame;

I hear thy name spoken,

And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,

A knell to mine ear;

A shudder comes o’er me--

Why wert thou so dear?

They know not I knew thee,

Who knew thee too well--

Long, long shall I rue thee,

Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met--

In silence I grieve,

That thy heart could forget,

Thy spirit deceive.

If I should meet thee

After long years,

How should I greet thee?--

With silence and tears.





A little old fashion..but thats ok ^_^


COMMENTS

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The Storm

01:49 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 570


Against the stone breakwater,

Only an ominous lapping,

While the wind whines overhead,

Coming down from the mountain,

Whistling between the arbors, the winding terraces;

A thin whine of wires, a rattling and flapping of leaves,

And the small street-lamp swinging and slamming against

the lamp pole.

Where have the people gone?

There is one light on the mountain.





Along the sea-wall, a steady sloshing of the swell,

The waves not yet high, but even,

Coming closer and closer upon each other;

A fine fume of rain driving in from the sea,

Riddling the sand, like a wide spray of buckshot,

The wind from the sea and the wind from the mountain contending,

Flicking the foam from the whitecaps straight upward into the darkness.



A time to go home!--

And a child’s dirty shift billows upward out of an alley,

A cat runs from the wind as we do,

Between the whitening trees, up Santa Lucia,

Where the heavy door unlocks,

And our breath comes more easy,--

Then a crack of thunder, and the black rain runs over us, over

The flat-roofed houses, coming down in gusts, beating

The walls, the slatted windows, driving

The last watcher indoors, moving the card players closer

To their cards, their anisette.





We creep to our bed, and its straw mattress.

We wait; we listen.

The storm lulls off, then redoubles,

Bending the trees half-way down to the ground,

Shaking loose the last wizened oranges in the orchard,

Flattening the limber carnations.

A spider eases himself down from a swaying light-bulb,

Running over the coverlet, down under the iron bedstead.

The bulb goes on and off, weakly.

Water roars into the cistern.

We lie closer on the gritty pillow,

Breathing heavily, hoping--

For the great last leap of the wave over the breakwater,

The flat boom on the beach of the towering sea-swell,

The sudden shudder as the jutting sea-cliff collapses,

And the hurricane drives the dead straw into the living pine-tree.


COMMENTS

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This Shredded Soul

01:46 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 571


Here I stand alone

Breathing in the cool night air

I feel at ease when my muscles relax

A small smile upon my face

All my troubles seem to temporarily vanish

Leaving me light and cheerful

Howls fill my head

My nerves are calmed

The smell of misery

Has made its appearance this night

The sickening stench

That I have grown to know

Hatred stabs my stomach

As I stand there helpless

Unable to fight back

The disappointment in myself overwhelms me

I continue to curse myself.



I start to fall

Into a grave I can not bury myself out of

My body rejects my demands

As I fall deeper into my grave

I reached for your hand

You just backed away and stared

With my dead heart unbeating

What is the point?

You denied me physically and emotionally

What is left for me here?



I glanced at you once more,

Closed my eyes

And continued to fall.

As I closed my eyes

I saw you reach out

You were too late.

Now you can only stand there

And wish that you could have held me sooner

Held me so dear and never let go.

You will never get the chance now.

Are you happy with yourself?

No.

Because you let your love fall to her death.



Now stand there fool

And watch me die

Watch me fall into the nothingness

You can only dream and wish

That you could have me back

But you took the opposite road.

Now what will you do?



You let me fall.

You never tried.

I fell to my death

In this forsaken grave

I died in front of you

And you watched in terror

As your loves soul was

ripped, torn, and devoured by misery.


COMMENTS

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Random blarbs

01:45 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 572


I am deprived



Of the love I wish to have



The feelings are passed on



Never to be mutual



Mixed deelings sent



My heart and soul torn



Feelings never surpass



Like the sun shining bright on the darkest night



Or the stars glowing on the brightest day



Your hatred is a cannibal



Devouring me inside and out



To walk beside you



Is the destiny I seek



Your seat beside me



Is cold and vacant



Will it ever be warm again?







What if I say "Please"?











**This one was supposed to be going somewhere..then I just got a little distracted..lol


COMMENTS

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Orgasmic Sky

01:44 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 573


The stars in the sky

Are luminous and catching

Looking high above

I stare in wonderment and bliss

This strange feeling

Has awakened deep within me

This pleasureable feeling

Has taken me away

It has captured my soul

And gave me wings

I fly high above to the stars

And hiver with delight

The stars smile radiantly

They make me feel untouchable

Up here with the stars and moon

I feel invincible

I can conquer anything

These stars are my friends

Backing me up through it all

Holding me high before I fall.







**Its so hard to write a happy poem..>__>


COMMENTS

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Hatred is a Cannibal

01:44 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 575


You threw me demons

You threw me spears

You threw me glass shards

You threw me daggers

You have shown me hatred

This present feeling

Is anything but pleasant

Daggers in my heart

Is how I live now

Your hatred is a cannibal

Devouring me whole

Your ignorance is hurtful

Though I continue to stand here

With open arms for you

You have shown me hatred

And I cower in fear

Your cannibalism is destructive

You plow your way through

One by one and two by two

Spreading your hatred

Hitting everyone with your daggers

You truly are a cannibal

Just chew me up and spit me out

Not like it matters

You and your hatred have done enough

You have torn apart my heart

Torn apart my soul

You have taken my will to live

Your hatred is contagious

Because now I hate myself

And all that I stand for.



Now what will you do?


COMMENTS

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My best friend.

01:42 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 576


This is dedicated to all my dearest friends





A friend is loving

A friend is truthful

A friend is always there by your side.



A friend is understanding

Friends listen to everything you say

And they will always have your back.



A friend is accepting

Take you as you are

And will never leave you behind in the dark.



A friend is tender

Sensitve to your feelings

And will never turn you or your troubles away.



A friend is a special person

Who, no matter what time

Will come to you in your time of need.



A friend is something important

A great friend is an incredible being

A best friend is platinum and only comes once in a lifetime.



A friend is someone to hold onto forever

Do not let them go

Not even for a second.



~~~Little side note~~~

Do you have a best friend?

Tell them how much you appreciate them and what they do for you.

Tell them how much you love them.

Tell them quick, because you may lose your chance.

There is no telling when you may lose a dear friend.

It can happen at anytime.

Death doesn’t care who you are.

If it has the chance, it will take you by surprise.

Tell those dearest to you that you love them and would do anything for them.

Be honest with them.

If you have a friend like I do, hold on to them with your life.

Do NOT let them go.

I have lost too many dear friends to lose any others.

So do yourself and God a favor and tell your dearest friends how much you love them.

Do it for me.

Please?


COMMENTS

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Heavens Garden

01:42 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 578


A gentle breeze caresses my cheek

As I stare out into the open;

Nothing but open fields and trees.

There are owls hooting themselves away

Bats screeching as they prey

Crickets chirping for their mates

In the distance you can hear the dogs barking

The sweet smell of the night

And the damp grass fills my nose

Its sweet scent flowing through me.



I walk through the freshly cut grass

Humming my little tune

Running my fingers along the flower petals

The cool sweet dew clinging to my warm fingertips

Letting the heavier water droplets fall to the ground

Making the glass look like a broken chandelier

A twinkle and glisten here

A shimmer and glimmer there.



The full moon casts out its beauty from high above

Glowing blissfully to the little creatures down below

The stars make their appearance

As they hover so high

Those untouchable beings

They show off their beauty to all that glance up

And are just ever so slightly out of our reach



In my bed I lie

As tears stain my cool pale skin

And a smile upon my lips

That is all but a memory now

Because that is all it is meant to be

Nothing but a little memory

And a wasted dream



I close my eyes

With the same smile upon my cold lips

And slowly I slip away

With the knowledge that soon

This dream will come again

And this time I will not be alone

My Father will be beside me

As we silently watch over you

Forever more from Heaven’s Garden


COMMENTS

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Nothing but pain

01:41 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 580


He stabs me here

He stabs me there

Being cheated is normal to me

From what I thought was once real

T’was nothing but a dream

All the pleasures

All the love

All the conversing

And all the understanding

Was it all a lie?

Was I just a part of your sick scheme?

This is not new however

Encountering these feelings

You have done the worst for me

Bringing out and crushing what was already terribly wounded

Do you not see that?

Did you think I was lying?

Death is no joke.

You are trying to break this bond

A bond so strong willed

Can you not see me falling apart?

Of course not

You do not care like you used to

What happened?

I caused my own death



You do nothing

You do not even care

I lie here dying

While you just sat there and watched


COMMENTS

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Please forgive thee

01:39 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 581


Please forgive thee

Thy dear sweet love

As I lie here alone

Wishing for your company



My chest is tight

And I struggle for air

Please hold me close

When I take in my last breath



The pain is harsh

I try to hold on

But I am slipping fast

Into an unknown world



Please forgive thee

Thy dear sweet love

As I die here

In your arms at last



This is not the only time

I wished for you to hold me

It is an endless wish

That is said every day



Now hold me close my dear

When I take in my dying breath

And I say goodbye to you

My one true love



Please forgive thee

As I do not wish to say

How I hoped for this day to come

And you holding me in your arms



Please forgive thee

I do not wish to die

Without you here by my side

As the lover I wished for you to be



I say now my love

With my dying breath

My heartfelt goodbye

And our parting kiss



Do not cry my love

For you shall see me again

In your dreams and in heaven

Waiting for your embrace and kiss



Listen closely my love

Listen carefully to what I say

"Please forgive thee

Thy dearest friend and love

For I have broken my promise to you."


COMMENTS

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Just leave me alone

01:36 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 584


My life is changing

But still I am here

Waiting for his reason



Why do I still breathe?

Why do I still walk?

Why am I still alive?



Does he enjoy watching this?

Does he enjoy watching me suffer?

Does he enjoy my pain?



Laying on my bed

I sit and wait

For his word



Why does it take so long?

His word to live?

How long must I wait?



Unbearable if you must

But this I cannot take

Please leave me alone



Why must you torture me?

You and your wicked ways

Just leave me alone



This feeling is gone

What I thought was there

How could I be deceived like this?



If I let you fall

Will you cry out my name?

Or just fall screaming a quiet scream?



Just leave me alone

Before you cause any more pain

Because you have done enough



You are like a fatal disease

That will never be cured

But this disease is rare



This disease is called Love

A rare find

A virus we all wish to catch



I have to get away

Away from all this chaos

And away from you



Just leave me alone

And let me be

Do not hurt me anymore



Just please stay away from me

I do not wish to be hurt

I just want to be alone


COMMENTS

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This feeling

01:35 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 585


The way you look at me

The way you talk to me

The way you hug me

They way you smile at me



I feel like I can float

In the deepest of waters



I feel like I can fly

In the highest altitude



I feel like I can soar

Like an eagle in the sky



Your hugs send me flying high

Your kisses make my heart grow wings

Your touch sends the darkest of shadows to hell

Your smile makes me blush and giggle



What is it about you

That makes me feel like this?

Why is it I cannot stay mad at you?

Just looking at you makes me smile



What is it about you

That sends me soaring?

Why is it I can see through your shell?

And love you through and through



The clouds are beneath my feet

They bow to what stands before them

A new kind of feeling

This unknown feeling



This incredible feeling

That means so much to some

And completely pointless to others



Why can I not find this feeling?

I seem to be lost

Lost in my own little world

Oblivious to others

Hurting others

Pushing them, ignoring them



They all need this feeling

In order to live on

We cannot be alive without it



This feeling....

This incredible feeling...

How can I find this feeling?

Where can I find it?



I did find it though

I found it in an incredible person

This person I would love for all time

The person I found trust and hope in



Maybe this feeling does exist!

Maybe I can find it!

All I have to do

Is open myself to it



Love...

All you need is love...

Love will set you free of all misery

Doubt and pain

Love...

The strongest feeling known to man...

The feeling I am longing to find

And have in return





**I love him

And all my friends

I tell them that everyday

They mean the world to me

And I would not be alive today

If it were not for them

I would kill and die for them





I love you all!!!


COMMENTS

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These stained glass windows

01:35 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 586


Why can you not see

What you are doing to me?

All this hurt and ignorance

Hatred and anger

They all stand there

Judging and hating

While I stand here alone

Waiting to be noticed

Among the few I thought cared

You say you care

But can you prove it?

How can you see

What this has done to me

You walk from door to door

Window to window

Searching for the one you want

Others stand out

But yet I am the most

Heartfelt pieces of art

You will ever encounter

Though you do not care

For such things as this

You walk right by

With no more than

A greeting glance

My heart is shattered

Into what is called art

The floor is decorated

In my bloody tears

And my spirit

Leaving pictures on the floor

Letting all who walk by

See what you have done

You are oblivious

As to what you have done

You just walk on by

To the next source of use

All this art work on these walls

A wonderful artist you have become

Yet you still cannot see

The piece of art work

That has meaningful words

You just walk on by

Not caring what is inside

Only what you see

As you pass I think

Why did I expect more from

A wonderful guy like you?

To this day I still do not know why

I cannot see my own words

That I tell others who listen

I am nothing to you

But a stained glass window.


COMMENTS

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Little and Sweet

01:34 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 587


Silver colored roses

Red tipped blades

And yellow spotted turles

All seem to flaunt their beauty

As they dazzle my dull eyes

Bringing them back to life.

The cold breeze sneaks its way in

Kissing my luke warm nose

Leaving me filled with wonder and hope

That even the coldest of hearts

Still have an affect

Upon this beating heart.

Daises, tulips and orchids

All gently caress my bare feet

Lovingly welcome me to their home

I am but a mere guest

But treated like family.



If only life could be so sweet.


COMMENTS

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Loves Rebound

01:34 Apr 16 2008
Times Read: 588


This is too hard

This is too painful

This is too unforgetful

Like thorns in my chest

Pulling, tearing, shredding my insides

Till nothing is left

But a bloody pulp.

Echoes of laughter fill my skull

Sounding oh so familiar

A low cackle finishes off the echoes

My rolling eyes try to focus

On what used to be love

Must be double vision

For there are two of him

Not just one.

A high pitch laugh

Scrapes and scratches at my ear drums

But is silenced as quickly as it began

My eyes focused

For but a mere second

And the sight brought upon a smile.

He was covered in blood

The bitches blood he has shed

He smiles at me

Takes my hand into his

And kisses it ever so kindly.

He stands up straight

His stance wide

And his shoulders broad

He raises his blade

With his truly strong arms

And whispered a little something

That I will hold with me forever

"Goodbye my darling.

I truly did love you.

This just was not meant to be."

I never had the time

To say my goodbye

Only a longing expression

As he quickly rushed

His silver cut blade

Into my dying heart

And we both shed tears

In my last moments of life

While I bled my life away.


COMMENTS

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This Pain

04:57 Apr 04 2008
Times Read: 594


This pain

Is something I cannot stand



This pain

Is more than I can bare



This pain

I cannot fight it alone



This pain I feel

Is death



My will to move

Grows weaker by the day



My breath

Comes in shallow gasps



My heart

Can only beat so long



My skin

Grows colder by the minute



My love

Has run away from me



My friends

Can only feel so much



My body

Gets the full blow



My life

Is hanging by a thread



This pain

Is over powering my will



Can you see it

The shadow of death that hovers over me?



This pain

This wretched pain

Shall devour my heart

Shall conquer my soul

Shall steal my life

And claim my love



Leaving me alone

A lone body

Left to rot





COMMENTS

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