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Yes it is finally that time where my mind completely falls apart. I was wondering how long it would take before it happened.



No one understands me...I don't understand myself most of the time. Take today for example, I was too emotional for no apparent reason. It pissed me the fuck off. When I get pissed off I get frustrated and I hate being frustrated. It makes me cry out of rage for being so frustrated.



Everyone tried to make me either laugh or just be happy again. Some suggested a Rockstar or a Monster, My favorite drinks, but I didn't feel like it I still don't. I wasn't even ticklish all week, in which any other time I'm giggling my ass off.



Well guess what I might have a reason why I'm acting so differently but even the fucking shrink my mom made psychoanalyze me doesn't seem sure yet. He just gave me fucking theories and crap about what could be happening but I do deal with serious depressions when they occur. I can't help it, they come and go. But then he even suggested an acute split personality disorder. Yes I know, it's crazy but I really don't care unfortunately...........it will only get worse with or without the pills so I refuse to take them until he's sure and even then I might not.

It seems as though sleep is not a necessity for me anymore, I'm in one of those moods, not horny, but yet another. *sighs* Once again my life is slowly but surely falling away from me. Like blocks of ice falling off a glacier due to global warming caused by foolish mortals. But even so that is a topic all in its own. Yet still it is how I feel most of the time and at this very moment. I don't know maybe it's just me and everything in which involes me just isn't meant to go right. Whether it's relationships, friendships, acquaintances or just everyday social calls. Many times in my life I've tried o be happy in each of those categories but is there really something missing or is it me? There is always something that screws up. Then I ask myself why should I even try if trying is so hard and gets me no where. Take relationships for example, I'm not sure if they get tired of me or it is something I lack. Yet I do know that they were never into what I was. We were always so different even if they didn't realize it. People mistake me for so many others, they say I have a twin or two but we never anything alike, we are not the same never will be. A person like me shouldn't be allowed to do much of anything dealing with happiness. I am officially tired of my hopes of happiness being shattered. I don't think anyone is capable of fufilling my hopes of happiness and has the the same interests as I do.

Well if you read my previous entry then you would know that I was looking foward to today with high hopes. Unfortunately that changed somewhere between 12:00 and 12:30. See, I happened to be in french class and that always seems to be the class where I cant focus. I started to think...which for me is never a good thing. I tend to dwell on what I would like to have that I know I will never have. It happens a lot. Almost everyday and I don't have the slightest clue why. Well in addition to my poor well being I was also diagnosed with two things: A Bi-polar Disorder and Split Personality Disorder. No, not by a Therapist but by those whom I call friends who should be associates, all but two who I can confide in to some degree. Even now as I type I feel out of place in the world this gloomy, dreary day has infected me and this is the result no smiles, no laughs, no jokes no nothing just dull me. Well lets see if it gets better tomorrow. It probably will not be any different seeing as though the person I try to avoid is going to be there. I really dont feel like dealing with him. Anyways to end this now like always....

The pouring rain surrounds me

engulfs me in its peaceful solitude

I loved it, the water hitting my skin

cold and soothing.

The wind whistles around me as I move my hands slicing through the water.

I love the wind as well it makes me feel as though I'm not alone, brushing against my cheek, my curves, caressing my hopes and dreams.



It sort of speaks to me and calms me which was a good thing because I wasn't in the best of moods today. But tomorrow shall be a different story because the person who I try to avoid won't be there. *sighs* should be a good day tomorrow for sure.



I hope I have more days like today the rain with its caprtivating lightning and frightful thunder booming in whats left of my heart. No one has able to hold me close for too long. Which is why I love the rain and wind. They dont have feelings and I'm kept in their clutches without judgement. It can be a beautiful thing.

Oye Vae....Does it have to be today where I feel sorrow enter my bones. Why today...its friday, I should be happy right ...no school, nobody to bother me in the darkness of my room. But yet I'm not happy, I haven't been for a long time I now realize. Fuck I might sound emo but I dont care at this point. Sadness will do that to you I guess. Bye for now.