In Memory.03:20 Apr 16 2009
Times Read: 636
Today is the five year anniversary of the death of my friend Philip.
I went home this weekend, and went by his grave, it's not a very comforting place to go to pay your respects, since he was buried outside the graveyard in a nook in the tree lining behind it. His grave is left unmarked, it's a giant circle of stones, with unkept house plants on top of it. I want to cry every time I visit. It's like an animal was buried there, not a human being. I don't know their reasons why they haven't got a head stone, but as the years past the maybe they couldn't afford one doesn't cope anymore.
Philip's death was hard to deal with, because he killed himself. It's hard to to imagine that I sat next to a person for almost a year, and no one could save him. That I was friends with someone who felt so alone that they didn't want to exist anymore. You feel guilty. There were signs, thing he said that we just passed off, because everyone gets depressed. His grave bothers me, because it looks abandoned, and unloved. If his ghost, soul, whatever was to look at it, what comfort would he feel. That even in death he wasn't cared for. Which is not the case, not for us. Not his friends, we care about him, and when we lost him it wasn't the same. We will never forget him. Sure tons of kids from school showed up for his funeral, I wonder if they still remember this day or him. Or was it just another kid lost. Not to us.
I wasn't close to him, like a best friend, but we had spanish together for two years, the same friends, and sat next to each other at lunch. We were friends, but I don't know how to ask or who to ask about getting him a grave marker. I don't want to offend his parent's, but I don't see why'd they'd mind. I only met his parent's once before, and it was at a tennis game he was playing at. They went to church with Mallarey's family, his dad was a youth minister I think.
It's awful to think, and I truly hope it's not the case, that his grave is left like that because of how he died. I don't know much about Christianity, but I know they consider it a sin to kill yourself. In the old days they'd bury suicides out of the grave yard because it was "holy" ground, I hope that His grave being in the back of the woods was because they had not planned a life insurance for him.
We tease that he isn't dead, that no gravemarker, closed casket, cheap grave is a set up of a fake death. It's a comforting thought, but without proof it doesn't help.
Blah, I don't know what to do. I miss my friend, It's sad to think of what he could become, he was one of the best artist I knew, he was working on a comic book. Damn.
I miss you Philipé .
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