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Sometimes I want to Leave my Lover

And have the other take me to Nirvana.

I feel I'm Not the Only One though I wish he would Stay With Me.

All I want is for my Lover to Lay Me Down

but

will the other be my Writing's On the Wall?

Loving you hurts

I'm physically and mentally wounded, debilitated

I feel

Unappreciated

Invalidated

Invisible

Unloved

I give you everything of me

What do I get in return?

I am a fool because I stay

I love you

I don't know what more I can do to prove!

I have rebuilt my life around you

I can stand on my own, I'm not dependent on you to live

But I want you

I want to be independent with you

Be alive with you

You are who I want, you are who I choose

But you make loving you hard

Loving you hurts

You will regret the day I've truly met my limit of pain

I am a masochist

Reveling in the pain you bring me because I love you



I know love is not easy, I never thought it would be

I just didn't think my soulmate would hurt me so much

But I guess it's true, we only hurt the ones we love?

I don't know about yours but mine is nothing like in the movies or tv shows.

I'm very much a dominant but the fun part about that is giving up control.

I want a man, muscular or lean to take control of me.

To give that spontaneous moment of heat

To force me up against the wall by the fireplace

or press my face against the window as I'm taken from behind.

I want sweat to glisten down my body,

I want to finally climax not just once but multiple times before we finally finish together.

I want hands around my neck and bites all down my body.

Make me ride gracefully and take it all in

Direct him how to stroke and let him choose how hard to bite

I want body to body

Each pace I can get:

slow to fast,

slow and sensual love making

A fast fuck that's over, but full, as soon as it begins.

I want to be taken in the car, in the yard, on the dining room table.

I want the world as my bedroom any way he'll have me.

I'll give you control if only, if only you take me all the way there.

Someone give direction, give me promising sex

I want someone to love me like fire!

To consume me,

burn straight through me.

Don't stop burning me with your love,

Don't stop loving me.

I'll be your fuel, I'll be your oxygen

Baby just engulf me in your heat of passion.

Fire is fierce and knows no bounds of its course.

I'll pave the way you just send your flames,

I'm here willing and wanton for your flicker

I don't want to suffocate you, your flames are beautiful

Just burn me with you and together we'll soar,

burning up the sky, we'll have no limits

Together, radiance

That's what love will be with me

If you'll just love me like fire!

Tears roll down cheeks

Do I mean that little to you!?

I have moved my whole life for you!

I've been doing everything I can for you!

Yes what you have to do is important,

but you can do it by my side.

I moved to be with you to be closer to you.

All you do now is break my heart.

When will you stop? When someone else comes into the picture and you blame me for it?

I am so confused and so alone.

And even more confused!

You're breaking me.

Who do I turn to?

Am I meant to be with no one?

Why are you doing this to me Love?

Why am I not your priority?

Why do I feel last in your life when all I do is put you first in mine?

Have you fallen out of love me and just afraid to show it?

Tears keep rolling down my face and there is no one to wipe them.

Nothing to catch them but the bottle I've fallen into.

I have discovered your type.... and I am not it.

I am small at 5'5 where you want at least 5'7 to your 6'3.

I am athletic, slim-thick with hips, breasts and an ass; a size six. Where as you want tall, thin, bony at most size two.

You like light or pale where I am the shade of Mocha or your favorite milk chocolate kiss.

You like them brown or blonde haired, mine is black like a Raven.

How does a black woman compete against white women for a white man?

It's not an easy competition when all you're attracted to is the white man

All I've ever been with has been a white man.

The man I moved for is a white man.

The dark side is not your type....unless she's dancing with you on a Saturday night.

So what do I do?

Can I make this turn off? Do I just squish everything into a box and not try to make you fall for me?

Yes, that's exactly what I must do. I am not your type.

So I will wait for this to wilt and decease.

I am awakened early because now you're haunting me.

My head is aching and my eyes are irritated,

I should be asleep but now you haunt me.

You've appeared in dreams before,

but this has got to stop, you're making a habit.

This time you infiltrated my past, I've had this dream before but it starred another and no not the current.

Now you have me wondering what would it have been like to have known you in high school?

Would things be different now?

Would I feel helpless about my current dilemma? About my future?

This is suppose to be fading, whatever this is, if it even exists outside my treacherous mind!



We were touching in this dream; more than a high-five, more than a tap on my thigh because the movie was funny, more than an accidental bump of my leg or foot under the dinner table and more than our hugs.

This time you kept your hand upon my knee and caressed me, I'm sitting in the seat beside you, on this luxury dream bus that takes us home from school. I lean my head upon your shoulder and sigh. And bravely, slowly, I slide my hand to your arm, the one on my thigh, to keep you close.

There's a sense of new territory in the atmosphere of this dream. The most intimate it's been for us in a dream.

Or reality.

What does this mean?

I left so you would be behind.

This has got to stop, I need sleep.

With you haunting me....

We don't play games which is why you don't know.

We don't play games which is why I don't know.

You don't know that you make me feel something.

I don't know how you feel.

You don't know that you've provided what's missing and in that sense, I have caught feelings.

You excite me and I am so into it.

But you will never know, we don't play games.

I can't make the commitment to tell you nor the commitment to stay if I hear what I want.

Because we play no games is the reason I don't speak and the reason I left.

If I play there will be nothing but pain.

I can't bare to leave him and right now it's hard to stay when the grass looks greener under your feet.

But will that grass stay green if I move closer to it?

Do you even want me next to you on that green green grass?

All I want is happiness and fulfillment; to say I lived life to the fullest and not have too many regrets

Is not telling you a regret?

Right now, there's not much happiness and much less fulfillment where he and I are.

I want it to change, that's why I moved, part of me wanted you...that's why I moved.

I will do what it takes to make this work and become happy again. If not, what's meant to be will always find a way.

It's torture to tell you and torture to not, my curiosity burns and will kill this cat.

Do you feel anything for me?



We'll never know, because we play no games

I did it! I moved!

There are officially two states in between us and we are 9.5 hours a part.

Events of us, as harmless as they may be, keep replaying in my mind.

I keep questioning if I did the right thing.

Was this what I am suppose to do?

I've made my decision and now I will reap the consequences.

Either our friendship will grow or it will wither

Either we'll meet again or nevermore.

Will this emotional turmoil ever end?

I will begin again here and let the chips fall where they may.

I have to do what I can to save what I have.

If me moving here can save what is being lost then he won't matter at all.

If nothing can be saved then lets hope something will be reciprocated from the other,

and if not, then alone I shall ever be.

You kissed me!

Not where I would think or how it would have happened.

The burn upon my skin, I panicked in the wake of pain.

You take a look at my forearm and told me it's alright

I teased "Kiss it!" just as children do

To my surprise you do!

You kissed me with that bottom lip I want to bite so much!

You kissed me with the lips of velvet.

The feeling of those velvet lips are imprinted on my flesh and in my mind.

Does that mean you feel for me as more than a friend? Was that the alcohol moving your actions?

I guess I will never know.

I look at him with new eyes.

His reflect mine, but lighter

They are gentle, kind and filled with joy

I could stare away hours into those reflective eyes.

His hair is dark, short and looks soft...I long to touch

His lips are small and encase the biggest smile. His lower lip however, is plump and each I speak to him I withstand the urge to bite.

His face all together is youthful but wise and holds an appeal I can't place.

He is tall and when next to me I secretly love that I am small.

I think his muscles could withstand, he's athletically lean

When I see him, I smile

When our eyes meet, I smile and no one else holds my attention

Even when he's not present and I hear the tone that marks him, no one holds my attention.

This has got to be all in my head.

There's no way any of it is reciprocal

if so I can't,I won't do anything about it.

I'm so afraid I'll slip, I've already gone too far.

He's giving me everything that is missing!

He's someone I would have fallen for before my love.

So what do I do now that he's here after my love?

I will never leave my love and I will never be unfaithful; I'm struggling to stay faithful in my mind but I will win.

That is why I must leave! By running away.

I will be a courageous coward to save my love and where I want to be in life.

I can't question a thing from him:

Not a fondness, not an attraction, a want or a need in a physical sense.

I can't ask anything of him for fear of ruining a friendship.

I must keep myself in check in order to refrain from damaging a lovely friendship.

I must see to it that it stays a lovely friendship or that it withers.

I close my eyes

He brushes my hair away from my neck.

He presses himself against me

As he enters my long nails dig into his back, the black is stark against his skin

He's gentle as he begins to rock me and slowly he begins to climb.

The pace is up and I'm stuck between pain and bliss, it's ecstasy.

He lowers his head and I know what he wants,

I tilt my head to left giving perfect access.

He plunges quickly into my neck, the sting is replaced with pleasure and warmth as blood runs down my shoulder.

As he drinks I build, the sensation is a high

I tighten and he moves faster

We're matched in speed and greed

I need this as much as he

I'm at the edge, my breath hitches

I dive over the edge in a waterfall

Wave after wave I tumult down

I float in a warm pool at the bottom of the fall gasping for air

In Love, In Blood

I am his

It's not enough!

I want more!

I'm greedy for the sensations

I don't want it to stop

I want it again and again and AGAIN!!

I'm completely insatiable

He can't keep up with my appetite, one is not enough for me!

He's spent and I'm just getting started...that was a warm up.

I do fine by myself and props can only get me so far but

there's not like being taken over the edge body to body by another.

Fast or slow, I love both

It's the fullness that gets me, the stretching, the sweet sting of pain

There's got to be a way for me

I could go all day, all night

Oh to be lavished and ravaged in every way, by more than one even, hell! females too!

Oh! It makes me quiver to think!