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I'm going to try to speak directly, instead of thinly veiling my feelings and thoughts behind verses and rhymes that verge on sociopathic. I am odd, theatrical at times. A kind person would say eccentric...and an honest one attention-seeking. Still though, even I know the difference between games and the truth. 'I put up walls'...a line often used to explain self-defense of one's mind. I find it ill-suited for what I'm trying to describe...but a better metaphor escapes me. I've been made to feel useless, unwanted, pathetic, and meek on many occasions. But I've been able hide behind my 'walls', my problem was I let to many people inside them. These people would say or do something to me...something on the same level as other things I've experienced and been able to deal with easily...but it would hit me directly. Since they were behind the 'walls' I was trapped with them. The obvious answer here is build a new wall right? But I have to build it closer to keep out the things that got in. And closer...every time I make a mistake. I have no room to breathe. I'm safe...for now. I do it again. Only this one is crueler than the rest...when angered they don't strike me...they strike behind. The wall cracks. I shiver...knowing what's on the other side. I try to push them away and they tighten their grip and dig in...pieces crumble. This is it. A breaking point. I fall into myself to escape what's coming. I fall. I've only done it once. It's so hard to climb out of it...and I've never moved very far from the rubble. It's always there...waiting for something to crack so it can pull me back in. It's a fight...being lost feels normal. Being hurt feels normal. Nothing good feels right. If something is going right it will go wrong soon. If I am happy someone else will get hurt. Don't speak about it...don't express it. It is my own problem. You want to scream? Do it in your head...pain and emotion are for the weak. Do I sound warped? I can't let it crush me...I have to breathe. At the very least I have to breathe. Because there aren't any barriers...I can't make them. I will do anything for approval...but not because I seek attention. I can't stand the thought of one more person not liking me...pathetic at best. Hard to explain. And this isn't even the best way of putting it. Desperation. I feel desperate...I hate change...because when I think of change I think of things getting worse in a progressive fashion. So when I talk to you I'm scared. One wrong step...the ground is ready to fall beneath my feet...I can feel it. Waiting. Do one thing wrong and it grabs me...even if I only think I did something wrong I'm back again. The bottom is so far down now. It gets deeper all the time...as long as I can keep from hitting the bottom I'm okay...but if I fall...I fall fast. So It's hard to catch myself in time. I know what will happen when I reach the bottom. I'll shut down. The lights will go out and I'll be gone. So understand that I want to believe. I want to be better. I want to accept this change that I didn't expect I'd run into. Just let me take a few steps forward...because I'm not just afraid that you'll hurt me...I'm afraid that I'll hurt you. When I saw you...at first you were a way to speak and be heard without being judged. I wanted opinions and conversation based on an introduction...not based on years of memories that cause every word to be carefully considered and every remark to be biased. I never thought I'd let anyone get so close to the crumbling edge that I stand on. Because while from such a position you can help me...I can drag you down with me just as easily...there's more to be said...but I can't seem to put it into words at the moment so for now I'll leave it at this. I just hope I can fix myself before I end up breaking you too.

COMMENTS

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BLOODLIFE
12:04 May 30 2011

Great entry. Starkly honest. You have put into word the thoughts of many young people.

I do know this, the higher you build your walls the stronger your voice will need to be to carried.

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