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I woke up in so much pain today I could barely get out of bed. It took me a while laying there to convince myself to even try. The urgent care facility down the street doesn't take medicaid but I doubt they'd be able to help me anyway. They'll just say, "have you talked to your doctor? What did she say?" Well let me tell you she said that there wasn't anything I could take while I'm pregnant, and that it's probably "fine". Everything's fine supposedly, but I know better. I'm switching doctors before that incompetent bitch is the one I have to rely on during delivery.



At least one of the other doctors was more honest with me. She basically told me that MMJ isn't likely to have any huge negative affects on my baby's actual health, but that she can't recommend it because it's illegal and they'll test my baby for THC, take him away if it's positive. So for now, good 'ol Mary Jane is what I can do, or could if I wasn't broke. I'll quit long enough before he's born that he won't test positive. Fuck, I wish I had a source of income.



My hubby and his friend decided to toke up while I was slowly trying to roll my broken ass outta bed. I thought they had already left. I come out to get breakfast, or rather to look in the cabinets for the millionth time and realize yet again that we don't have much, and the whole house smells like pot. What a horrible tease. It's happened so much lately. Another friend came to smoke with us yesterday and he smoked so slowly that I didn't even get relief from my pain. The friend before that who smoked with us gave everyone a dab but me, and was incredibly rude to me the entire time I was over. I had to sit on the floor, no one bothered to offer the seven month prego their seat, not even my hubby.



So now I'm sitting here in pain stewing in the smell of MJ, wishing there was something I can do. Maybe I should take one of those mussel relaxers they gave me. It's supposedly safe for baby, but it doesn't really help the pain, just knocks me out for like 14 hours. I hate the feeling they give me. fuck it. I still need to eat. Maybe play some League of Legends and try to forget the pain. Wish I could be out going on adventures with my hubby. Wish he was as worried about being ready for baby as I am. Wish he'd step up and get a real job while I can't. Wish I had the balls to tell him that without feeling like a total bitch.

I got to feed yesterday. It's hard to describe the feeling of ecstasy that comes from consuming the very life force of another person. Most just compare the needs of vampires to the hunger every person experiences for food, but it is so much more than that.



After feeding there is a sense of walls being broken down. Possibilities seem endless. It's like you have the power to do anything, and the ability to do it all for yourself. After I feed the whole world looks different, better, if only for a moment. It's a high that is incomparable.



Every time my lover gives me his blood I feel closer to him. I feel I fail to express to him how much I appreciate and adore him for everything he is and everything he's given me. How do you thank a person for giving you a piece of their soul?



Every drop or blood fills me, satisfies me at the most primal level. It makes me want him all the more. Not just his body and his blood, I want to be enveloped in his very being, to know everything about him, to be a part of him. Right now, he sits beside me reading and I can't help but feel a longing to run into his arms, and gaze into his eyes and try to tell him how much I love him. If only he could feel what I feel for him. If only there were a way to show him.



I offered him my blood, in hopes of repaying the favor. In hopes of sharing the ecstasy. Though I know it wouldn't be the same for him, non-vampire, I can't help but wonder what it would be like. Would he feel like I do? Would it do anything for him. My curiosity is overwhelming, but I will not force it on him if he does not want it. I will wait, and see if he becomes curious again, as he used to be. For now, there is no way to show him what he's done for me.

I very much like this site so far. It reminds me of a cross between my two favorite social networking sites. One was a journal based site, and one a goth site. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish though.



I've been told I need to be more social. Talk to people. Have friends. I just can't see a reason to try so hard to connect with people who could never understand me, let alone accept me. Maybe I will find kindred spirit here. Sure it's the internet, but on the other end of it are other people. Who cares if they are close? Who cares if they lie about everything they are for that matter? At least I am making an effort right? We'll see.



I hope I am not too broken to fix myself this time. . .

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SupremeMaster
09:37 Jul 16 2013

Welcome to Vampire Rave.

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