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One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.



Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?





Little Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.





Teacher : Wow !! what a choice... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?





Little Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and fuck off in the morning!

Two lady golfers were teeing off on the 7th hole when the second player’s shot went so wide it hit a man on the 8th tee.

He clasped his hands to his crotch in agony as he fell to the ground.

“Oh I’m so very sorry,” said the woman as she ran over to help him. “Is there anything I can do? I’m a masseuse so I might be able to ease the pain.”

With that, she ordered the man to lay out on the ground, put his hands by his side, undid his trousers and started to massage his manhood. “There, is that helping?” she asked looking very concerned.

“That’s great,” he replied, “but my finger is still throbbing.”

I had thought my Mrs and I were quite compatible… We had even shared a sense of humour… I had to share with her… She had none.



Everyone told me the best way to forgot was to join the Foreign Legion. Well, I figured it was too far to go; so I went up the road and joined the British Legion. It worked… By twelve o’clock I had forgotten her… who I was… and, even basic bladder control.

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)



I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.



We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.



We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..



Here's how it all went.



My engaged friend:





The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.



He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'





Then we made passionate love all night long.



The mistress:





Me too!





The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes.





When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.



Then I had to share my story:





When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.





When he came in the door and saw me he said,





"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he is not sure if sex is WORK or PLAY.



So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.



After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is WORK and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."



The man thinks, "What does a Priest know about sex?



So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man, and experienced in this matter.



He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.



Sex is WORK, and therefore not for the Sabbath.



Not pleased with this reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of a thousand years of tradition and knowledge.



In other words, he goes to see a Rabbi.



The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely PLAY.



Shocked, the man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure it is PLAY when so many others tell me sex is WORK?"



The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were WORK, my Wife would have the Maid do it.

COMMENTS

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Isis101
02:01 Sep 09 2012

LOL! Priceless!

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The guys were on a bike tour.

No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot..



They said, "Man, what happened to you?

He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different guy's turn..

In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.



They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."



The third night was Bill's turn.

He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man…

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.



"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it... They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips... Mick sat up and watched me all night."

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madlyn
17:13 Sep 05 2012

lol good one Neil

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