The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life, If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.



They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down, There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.



They were given many names, some were even funny, But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.



I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all, But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.



Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound, That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.



They had so many uses, these buildings out the back, You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.



That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,



We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps..



Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,



He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.



And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,



You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.



And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,



But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.



There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,



Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall..



If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,

You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar.



When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,



Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.



Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,



If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.



The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,



And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.



For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,



Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.



(Zac was slang for a sixpence coin before decimal currency came into Australia in 1966 - now 5¢)

Understanding Engineers #1



Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"



The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."



The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."







Understanding Engineers #2



To the optimist, the glass is half-full.



To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.



To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.







Understanding Engineers #3



A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.



The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"



The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."



The group fell silent for a moment.



The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."



The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."



The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"







Understanding Engineers #4



What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?



Mechanical engineers build weapons.



Civil engineers build targets.







Understanding Engineers #5



The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"



The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"



The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"



The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"







Understanding Engineers #6



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.



One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."



Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."



The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"







Understanding Engineers #7



Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.



Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.







Understanding Engineers #8



An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."







He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.







The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."





The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.





The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."





Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.





Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"





The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

COMMENTS

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XbluesandX
17:41 Oct 29 2012

So funny!!! ...but especially loved #5.

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POST COMMENT

There were five houses of religion in a small-town:

The Presbyterian Church

The Baptist Church

The Methodist Church

The Catholic Church and

The Jewish Synagogue.







Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.







One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.



After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.



In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.



The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.



The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week



The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.



So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.



Three days later, the squirrels were back.



But --The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.



They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.







Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't Seen a squirrel on the property since.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE...



(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.



(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').



(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...



(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

COMMENTS

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XbluesandX
02:50 Oct 22 2012

Ha ha!!! Love it!!!! :)

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dollparts
04:42 Oct 22 2012

Lol, everyone of those are so true.

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POST COMMENT

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!



An old Marine Pilot sat down at Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.



As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’



He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans....



Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.



I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?



She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.



As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.



When I shower, I think about naked women.



When I watch TV, I think about naked women.



It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"



He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.



The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.



The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.



The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.





The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.





The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.



The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.



But, the third Sunday, he put his Wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up....

COMMENTS

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AnMome
02:39 Oct 22 2012

Lol. Thankfully they were able to get him down from the pulpit.

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POST COMMENT

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2012



Scenario :

Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.



1957 - Crowd gathers.



Mark wins.



Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.



2012 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark...



Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.



Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.



School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes



Scenario :

Robbie won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.



1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best with a cane by the Principal.



He returns to class, sits still and thinks twice about disrupting class again.



2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.



Tested for ADHD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.



Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.



1957 - Billy is more careful next time, he grows up absolutely normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.



2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.



Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.



Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.



1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, headache wears off and Mark is able to enjoy class.



2012 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Car searched for drugs and weapons.





Scenario :

Johnny takes apart several leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.



1957 – All the Wasps die and are no longer a threat to anyone.



2012- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called.



Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.



Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly on aircraft again.



Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during morning break and scrapes his knee.



He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.



Mary gives him a little hug to comfort him.



1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.



2012 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.



She faces 3 years in Prison.



Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

COMMENTS

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AkkiOokami
07:12 Oct 06 2012

Isn't that the damned truth.

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deathnitegrl
02:39 Oct 23 2012

Very true.

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POST COMMENT

Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie.



He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There’s no water deep enough to float a boat within 160 klms of here."



He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."



His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.



She says, "He's out there in his tinnie", pointing to the paddock behind the house.



The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the



tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand .



He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"



His brother replies, "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"



His brother yells, "It's people like you that gives us people from Tasmania a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.



She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.



The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.



She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"



He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."



She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.



He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line.



It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."



She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"



As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.



"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, issued by Westpac"



The lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..



At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.



The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."



The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44.



How did you get $58.50?"



"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50"

COMMENTS

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AnMome
02:42 Oct 22 2012

That is hilarious.

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POST COMMENT

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2012



Scenario :

Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.



1957 - Crowd gathers.



Mark wins.



Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.



2012 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark...



Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.



Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.



School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes



Scenario :

Robbie won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.



1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best with a cane by the Principal.



He returns to class, sits still and thinks twice about disrupting class again.



2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.



Tested for ADHD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.



Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.



1957 - Billy is more careful next time, he grows up absolutely normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.



2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.



Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.



Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.



1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, headache wears off and Mark is able to enjoy class.



2012 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Car searched for drugs and weapons.





Scenario :

Johnny takes apart several leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.



1957 – All the Wasps die and are no longer a threat to anyone.



2012- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called.



Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.



Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly on aircraft again.



Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during morning break and scrapes his knee.



He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.



Mary gives him a little hug to comfort him.



1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.



2012 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.



She faces 3 years in Prison.



Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.