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I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone.

You have to be in Cahoots with someone.





I've also never been in Cognito.

I hear no one recognizes you there.





I have, however, been in Sane.

They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.





I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.





I have also been in Doubt.

That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.





I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.





Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.





One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense!

It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!



And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!





I have been in Deeps hit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.



Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"



She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.



'Very good!'



Who said, 'Government of the People, by the

People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'



Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.



'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult....'



Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'



Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.



The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'



She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . K the Japs,'



'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.



Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'



At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'



The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'



Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'



Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'



Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'



Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'



Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'



The teacher fainted.



As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'



Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian rugby team, in NZ in 2011.'





Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'



Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'



Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'



The teacher fainted.



As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'



Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian rugby team, in NZ in 2011.'





Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'



Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'



Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'



The teacher fainted.



As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'



Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian rugby team, in NZ in 2011.'

Three men went out on the town and landed up at a sleazy nightclub. As they drank their beers, a naked go-go dancer performed on the table in front of them and at the end of the dance the audience showed its appreciation by throwing her money. The first man grinned at his mates, took £10 out of his pocket and stuck it on the girl’s backside. The second man got out a £20 note and stuck it on her fanny. Now the third man had almost spent up but he didn’t want to be financially embarrassed in front of the other two. Suddenly, he had a great idea, he took out his credit card, swiped it down her crack and took the £30.

A young man met his match when he picked up a girl in a bar and took her back to his place. They were soon in bed doing the business – time and time again she called for more. After a couple of hours the poor bloke was knackered and to gain a short reprieve he said he had to go and put the car away for the night. Once inside the garage he thought he’d better inspect his poor overworked friend so he put his hand down his trousers but couldn’t feel anything. In panic he pulled his trousers down and there it was all shrivelled up. He whispered gently to it, “It’s all right, you can come out now, she’s not here.”

WOMEN - Two female friends are catching up:



So, how was your evening last night?



A disaster!



After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.



And you?



Oh, mine was incredible.



My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.



He took me out for a very romantic dinner.



We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.



Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour.



We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late.



It was wonderful.



MEN



Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking".



So, how was your evening last night?



Great! When I came home, the food was ready.



I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.



You?



A nightmare!



I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf.



When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out.



The whole house went into darkness.



Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.



It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful.



Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.



Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down.



I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come.



In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.

Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing.

At lunchtime, the man opens a can of cider.

“Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy.

“I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy touch your backside?”

“No, Grandpa.”

“Then you can’t have any cider.”

Later on, Grandpa gets out his cigarettes.

“Can I have one, Grandpa?”

Grandpa replies, “Can your willy touch your backside?”

“No.”

“Then it’s no to a cigarette.”

On the way home, they pass a newsagent’s and each of them buys a scratch card. Grandpa wins nothing, Grandson wins £2,000.

“Are you going to share some of your winnings with me,

son?” asks Grandpa.

The boy replies, “I tell you what, can your willy touch your backside?”

“It sure can,” replies Grandpa confidently.

“Then go fuck yourself.”

A naive young man was encouraged to dance with one of the village girls. As the dance became faster, one of the girl’s earrings dropped off and fell down her back.

“Be a darling and get that for me,” she asked her partner.

“Yes,” he stammered, but the more he reached for it, the further down her back it fell.

“Ahem,” he said, blushing madly. “I feel a perfect arse.”

“Really? Thank you, my tits are pretty good as well.”

A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would like for Christmas.



“A baby brother please,” he replied.



“I’m sorry, son, there’s not enough time, it’s only 3 weeks to Christmas.”



“Well, can’t you put more men on the job?” the son suggested.

COMMENTS

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CryingMist
16:52 Nov 07 2011

LMAO

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A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed.



“Well!” she exclaimed. “And you tell me off just for sucking my thumb.”

COMMENTS

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CryingMist
16:54 Nov 07 2011

darn haven't suck my "thumb" in a long time lol hehehe

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