The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Lovemaking tips for seniors



1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.



2. Set the timer for three minutes – in case you doze off in the middle.



3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them all off!)



4. Make sure you save 000 on your speed dial before you begin.



5. Write your partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.



6. Use extra Poligrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.



7. Have Panadol ready in case you actually complete the act.



8. Make all the noise you want … the neighbours are deaf, too.



9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!



10. Don't even think about trying it twice.



Old is when …



… your sweetie says, “Let's go upstairs and make love”, and you answer, “Pick one; I can't do both.”



… ‘getting a little action’ means you don't need to take a laxative today.



… ‘getting luck’ means you find your car in the parking lot.



… an ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.



… you're not sure if these are facts or jokes.