The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

DIVORCE vs. MURDER







A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."



The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"



The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."



The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Absolutely not! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?







I'll lose my license!







They'll throw both of us in jail!







All kinds of bad things will happen.







Absolutely not!







You CANNOT have any cyanide!"



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.







The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

COMMENTS

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Isis101
01:59 Mar 31 2014

LMAO!



(even though one can't buy cyanide from a pharmacy)

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Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tyre Store

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Vets waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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And don't forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

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Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

COMMENTS

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Isis101
02:01 Mar 31 2014

LOL!

I have to steal this, if you don't mind...

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Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ye be sewin on a wee button that's come off of ma fly? I canna button ma troosers."



"Och Angus, I've got ma hands in the sink, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ye with it."



About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.



Walking back in the door with a black eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. Maggie looks at him and says, "My god Angus, what happened tae ye? Did you ask her up the stairs like I told you?"



"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."

COMMENTS

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dabbler
01:35 Mar 04 2014

Snort..

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