The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.



The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.



He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'



He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.



Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!



About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.



'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.



'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.



'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.

who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?

COMMENTS

-

---

dabbler
23:50 Apr 10 2013

Assumption, thy name is grandiose. Haha

---

POST COMMENT

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”



He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on"?

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.







"Twenty Euros,” she whispers"







Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty Euros.







He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes..!







They're going at it for a couple of minutes, when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them, It's a police officer..!







"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer, "I'm making love to me wife", the Irishman answers sounding annoyed...!







"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know!"







"Well, neither did I", said Paddy, "til ya shined dat feckin light in her face!!!”

COMMENTS

-

---

dabbler
22:21 Mar 26 2013

Such a small world after all...

---

POST COMMENT

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.



She left a note for her milkman Dave to leave 25 gallons of milk.



When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.



Dave thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.



So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.



The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.



Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"



The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.



I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."



David the milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"



The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

COMMENTS

-

---

supernova
18:16 Mar 20 2013

~spews from laughing furiously~ OMG!!! That is sososo funny!!!!

---

dabbler
00:44 Mar 25 2013

Didn't see that coming...

---

POST COMMENT

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.



One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.



'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.



Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.



Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.



As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.



He slowed down to investigate.



Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'



He just knew what it was.



He jumped back on his bike and rode off.



Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along...



'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!



Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'



The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'



When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.



Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me.



One for you, one for me.'



The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.



Let's see if we can see the Lord...?



Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.



The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.



At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.



That's all.



Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?



They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

COMMENTS

-

---

dabbler
02:16 Mar 13 2013

Har Har Har

---

POST COMMENT

Professor Higgins at Edinburgh University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the final year medical students.



This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.



He pointed to a woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'



"Yes Professor!" She replied.



"Playing golf with his mates."

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.



One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.



He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed To put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'



The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.



I'm down to two butts a day.'

COMMENTS

-

---

dabbler
02:30 Mar 08 2013

Snicker snicker...

---

Angelus
02:36 Mar 08 2013

remember: if you laugh, you'll burn in Hell.

---

Saetan
08:09 Mar 08 2013

I am most definitely going to burn in hell for laughing then, Neil!

---

POST COMMENT