A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”
The lady can't take this anymore, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly!
“In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.
“Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!’
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
COMMENTS
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the girl lived happily ever after and she had daily lunch dates with her female friends, purchased whatever clothes she liked and came home whenever she wanted and her cupboard was full of shoes and the toilet seat was always left down.
The End
**hahahahahahahaha**
*Looks up*....yea, what she said fish-face lol
A blonde went into a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money.
" But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ...tentatively said .......
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
**Loud Laughter**
13:47:15 - Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 6
ADMIN: | EDIT | DELETE |
It was entertainment night at the old people's home.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.
'The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations'.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The old people became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
........ It took three days to clean up the old people's home
COMMENTS
haha thats awesome!
**chuckles**
oh man
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy...
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
“I would suggest that before you criticize someone, you walk a mile in their shoes. You see, if you did that, you would be a mile away and, wearing their shoes.”
Quote: Stephen Fry. [from QI]
Broadcast 23rd March 2010
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a
woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are
all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
COMMENTS
lol..that is good!
I love that one lOL OMG! something my daughter would say LOL.. just as brass..
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No.."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate."
**Giggles**
00:17:49 - Mar 22 2010
Times Read: 4
ADMIN: | EDIT | DELETE |
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. F***ing hot down here!
LEAVE COMMENT
VIEW COMMENTS [-]
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. F***ing hot down here!
*
Kajira
01:38:19
Mar 22 2010
Block User
Delete Comment
I liked this one, very funny
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
The kids filed back into class Monday morning..
They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something,
then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher,
"What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," saidLittle Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say, "It is shit.
Wanna buy a toothbrush?
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA .
August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant f&*kin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f&*kin' Perth ....
October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f&*kin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f&*kin' throttle him. F&*kin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f&*kin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f&*kin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my f&*kin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a f&*kin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f&*kin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two f&*kin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f&*kin' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f&*kin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f&*kin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f&*kin' degrees today. Now the air conditioners gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. F&*kin' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented f&*kin' idiot would want to live here!
December 1 -
WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You have got to be f&*kin' kidding me..................
COMMENTS
I must contact my travel agent, and find out how much they would pay a person to live down there.. hissh.,
Yep, sounds about right....
A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.
While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...
The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.
After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...
She decked him!
He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...
Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'
'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am.
Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
" 1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are.
No wonder you're so serious.
You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)
I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie.
His placement counsellor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy.
But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one.
I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie.
He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Down's Syndrome.
I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade.
The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids travelling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded "truck stop germ" the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with.
I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks.
I shouldn't have worried.
After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot.
After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him.
He was like a 21-year-old kid in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties.
Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table.
Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished.
He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty.
Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto his cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag.
If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration.
He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.
Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer.
They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop.
Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks.
Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home.
That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work.
He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart.
His social worker said that people with Down’s Syndrome often have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months.
A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine.
Fannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news.
Marvin Ringers, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table
Fannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Marvin a withering look.
He grinned. "OK, Fannie, what was that all about?" he asked.
"We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay."
"I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him.
What was the surgery about?"
Fannie quickly told Marvin and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed:
" Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK," she said.
"But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills.
From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is."
Marvin nodded thoughtfully, and Fannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables.
Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were bussing their own tables that day until we decided what to do.
After the morning rush, Fannie walked into my office.
She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I didn't get that table where Marvin and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pete and Tony were sitting there when I got back to clean it off," she said.
"This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup"
She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it..
On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed "Something For Stevie."
"Pete asked me what that was all about," she said, "so I told him about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this."
She handed me another paper napkin that had "Something For Stevie" scrawled on its outside.
Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds.
Fannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: "truckers."
That was three months ago.
Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work.
His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday.
He called 10 times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy.
I arranged to have his mother bring him to work.
I then met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back.
Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and bussing cart were waiting.
"Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast," I said.
I took him and his mother by their arms.
"Work can wait for a minute.
To celebrate your coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!" I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room.
I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room.
Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession.
We stopped in front of the big table.
Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins.
"First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess," I said.
I tried to sound stern.
Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins.
It had "Something for Stevie" printed on the outside.
As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.
Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it.
I turned to his mother.
"There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems.
"Happy Thanksgiving."
Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well.
But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table.
Best worker I ever hired.
There has been some confusion about the medical and psychological distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the true definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the Guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the courage to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the Guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the courage to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any psychological confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome - Both result in death
Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny.
All 3 had big feet.
Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13.
Ann and Jan went on a double date.
Amazed, one of the boys said, "God, you two have big feet."
Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's, they're massive!"
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy?
Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan.
Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this.
Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel?
I lost the sausage in the third pub
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. "I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells,
"SUPPLIES!!!!"
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and
on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
COMMENTS
Lol!! :)
well that was painful and funny.
Arg!
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits.
I can splash it on my eyes."
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ....
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied,
'I want to offer my deepest condolences!!'
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.
After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.
"This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up and said, . . .
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
Apartment Rental
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night
with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does
not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and
mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following
typed note:
Dear Madam :
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented
the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
~ ADULT ONLY ~
Punjabi woman says to her mother:
'I'm divorcing Kuldip... All he wants is Anal sex and my ass hole is now the size of a 50 cent coin when it used to be the size of a 5 cent coin.'
Mother responds:
You're married to a millionaire lawyer ...
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Canada ,
you drive a Mercedes 500 SEL ....
you get $10,000 a week allowance ...
You take 6 vacations a year .....
And you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?'
Pathway to Excellence
‘Reticular Activating System’
ie: The brain-data filtering system.
An awareness system…
‘pay value?’ … ‘threat?’
Self-image:
Words, pictures & emotions.
I x V = R
Imagination x vividness = Reality in the subconscious.
“Who said?” – Can alter perception.
Perception:
‘Next time, I will…’
‘Thought first, then action.’
‘Self-image controls performance.’
‘Confidence controls performance.’
‘Confidence breeds accomplishment.’
‘Constructive self-talk.’
‘I deserve the best.’
Constructive & restrictive motivation.
[self] [forced]
‘True motivation comes when we throw ourselves out of order.’
Have to want to
Through words, pictures & emotions.
‘One acts in accordance with one’s self-image.’
‘By using constructive self-talk one can regulate ones own comfort zone.’
‘Change the way you think of yourself.’
‘- alter your comfort zones… through words, pictures, emotions… change your self-image.’
Control your imagery:-
If your path is blocked, visualize your way round.
Three Basic Principles:-
1. As I think, I am.
2. I move toward and become that which I think about it.
3. My present thoughts determine my future.
Remember ~ as you picture the future ~ always picture what you want to do, not what you don’t want to do.
Effective Goal Setting:-
Keep more than one goal in mind: so that you can leap-frog from one to another, once one has been accomplished.
To release ‘creativity,’ ‘see’ the future.
Writing Affirmations:-
Use First person, in Present tense; visualization (Big ‘I’) and emotion in good setting.
Use a Step-by-step procedure of writing effective affirmation.
Picture yourself in the future.
A decision to change is not the first step: decide (or use imagery) in the sub-conscious first.
For example:-
1) I am a well-liked person
2) I enjoy being a well-liked person!
3) I take pride in being a well-liked person!
Indicate achievement, not ability.
Keep affirmations private.
Feelings and emotions are what you use for impact. Affirmations will involve your belief system.
Emotions – No experience
.
. .
Flip up/flip down
Look for a parallel in one’s past to recent affirmation and ‘feel’ the emotion.
If you think you are beaten, you are
If you think you dare not, you don’t
If you would like to win, but think you can’t
It’s almost certain you won’t.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man
Because sooner or later
The man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.
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