The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.



After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show-



Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.



The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.



"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.



"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"



The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.



The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.



A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.



And then, Suddenly, The chain broke!!!



The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"



"SHIT" said Claude.



It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited to entertain again!

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.



His co-pilot is Chinese.



It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.



Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese...'



'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'



'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'



'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'



'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'



There's a few minutes of silence...



'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.



'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.



'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.



'What?



That's insane!



Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'



'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all flucking same!!'

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I've never felt better.'



I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.



"So what do you think about that Doc?”



The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.



"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."



One day he was setting off to go hunting.



In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."



"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge...



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.



Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."



"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.



Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.



The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."



The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.



Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'



Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.



I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.



The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'



Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.



She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.



Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.



The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.



The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'



The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'



The minister fainted.

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.





A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.



Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'





The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.





She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.





Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!





We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.'

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!'



He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'



He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!'



The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'



He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.





The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.



He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.





The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

A blonde woman was speeding down the road on her motorcycle and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.



The blonde police lady asked to see the blonde driver's license.







She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated.



"What does it look like?" she finally asked.



The policewoman replied, "Its credit card shaped and it has your picture on it."



She finally found a rectangular mirror in her bag, looked at it and with a gesture of relief handed it to the policewoman.



"Here it is," she said.



The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop"

A wedding occurred just outside Alice Springs in the Northern Territory.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families Had a storming row and started wrecking the reception-room and generally

Kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court-room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use Of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court-room goes silent and Jackie, the best man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Jackie to take the stand.

Jackie begins his explanation by telling the court its traditional at an indigenous Wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK."

"Well!" said Jackie. "After I'd finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued Dancing to the second song: and the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song When, all of a sudden, the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an Unmerciful kick in her vagina.."

The Judge instantly responded, "God! That must have hurt!"



Jackie replies; "HURT?... He broke three of my f**king fingers!