The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Giggles**
00:19 Jan 31 2012
Times Read: 661

A Mature age nurse had just finished washing a patient, and said to a young, attractive nurse:





"Did you see he had ADAM tattooed on his penis:



The young nurse said, that is strange when I washed it yesterday it said



AMSTERDAM

**Giggles**
14:19 Jan 25 2012
Times Read: 677




An old man goes to the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.



When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.



But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.



The barber replied: "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

**Giggles**
00:26 Jan 19 2012
Times Read: 691

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.



She went to her husband, a retired Navy Chief and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"



He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do.



You wore that same negligee the night we were married."



She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"



He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."



She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said.



So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"



He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished"

**Giggles**
15:15 Jan 16 2012
Times Read: 699

My neighbours, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.



I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I'd said: "I wanna watch"

**Giggles**
14:35 Jan 16 2012
Times Read: 701

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'



No one moved.



The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now, stand and confess your transgression.'



Again, all was quiet.



Then, slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "'Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."



The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

**Giggles**
16:55 Jan 15 2012
Times Read: 706

A man met a beautiful blonde lady, fell in love at first sight and decided he wanted to marry her right away.







She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'







He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'







So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.





One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.





After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.





She said, 'That was incredible!'





He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'



So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.





After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.





He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'





'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Melbourne but I worked both sides of the Yarra River!

**Giggles**
00:30 Jan 12 2012
Times Read: 721

A Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.



A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.



Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."



"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Sparky the Royalty of all Trades"



"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.



"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"



The Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."



"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

**sniggers**
23:42 Jan 11 2012
Times Read: 727

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'



The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your motheragreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine monthslater a little Pop-Up appeared that said:





.



.



.



"You got Male!"

**Giggles**
00:59 Jan 09 2012
Times Read: 729

Steve decided to go skiing with his buddy, JK.



So they loaded up Steve's minivan and headed North.



After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.



They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.



'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained.



'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'



'Don't worry,' Steve said.



'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.



And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'



The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.



Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.



They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



But about nine months later, JK got an unexpected letter from a lawyer.



It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.



He dropped in on his friend Steve and asked, 'Steve, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North, about 9 months ago?'



'Yes, I do.' said Steve.



'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'



'Well, um, yes!,' Steve said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'



'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'



Steve's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yes, look, I'm sorry mate.



I'm afraid I did.



Why do you ask?'



'She just died and left me everything.'

**Giggles**
16:27 Jan 07 2012
Times Read: 735

Pierre, a middle-aged French tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.



The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.





They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.



He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!



Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.



They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.



He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.





The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him.



She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.



Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.



So the madam sends her over to Pierre.



The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.



He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.



Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.



She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for.



She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry.



Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.





So she goes over to Pierre and says that she's the best in the house and is available.



She sits and talks with him.



They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.





Pierre leans forwards and whispers in her ear...













"Can I pay in Euro's?"

**Giggles**
16:32 Jan 05 2012
Times Read: 743

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon..' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming in panic: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

**Giggles**
00:04 Jan 04 2012
Times Read: 753

Sex Problems Who me???



1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big Willy or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.







2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.







3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.



4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'







5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.







6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.





7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.





8. Virginity can be cured.





9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity



10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.





11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.





12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.





13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?

A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down Under.





14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......



15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?

A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.





16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.



17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!



Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humour.