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Angelus's Journal


Angelus's Journal

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8 entries this month
 

**Titters**

16:01 Feb 28 2013
Times Read: 619


ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:



It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is John.

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lin.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lin to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.

I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.

I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining.

I think.

For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.

I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.

That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean.

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene.

I'm a fair man.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.

And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lin.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult.

Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

John

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.



'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,O.K.?!!'


COMMENTS

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**Guffaw**

00:17 Feb 23 2013
Times Read: 636


WORK SARCASM



1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You!... Off my planet!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

13. Allow me to introduce my selves.

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

30. I plead contemporary insanity.

31. And which dwarf are you?

32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

33. Meandering to a different drummer.

34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?


COMMENTS

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XbluesandX
XbluesandX
00:38 Feb 23 2013

I can't relate....I don't live in the real world. :)





 

**Giggles**

14:37 Feb 19 2013
Times Read: 657


A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"





She says,

"I'd take half, then leave you."





"Excellent," he replies, "I won $12 , here's $6 - now Piss off!"


COMMENTS

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BLOODLIFE
BLOODLIFE
15:41 Feb 19 2013

lol





dabbler
dabbler
20:21 Feb 19 2013

Haha



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her

high school reunion, and she kept staring at a

drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone

at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.

I understand he took to drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a

person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...





XbluesandX
XbluesandX
00:26 Feb 23 2013

Lol



:)





 

**Giggles**

02:23 Feb 17 2013
Times Read: 664


A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco her condition is said to be stable.







Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.







Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.



So I had a £5 each way!







Tesco Quarter Pounders:



The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!







Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night....



I still have a bit between my teeth.







Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.







Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?







"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"







I'm so hungry; I could eat a horse....."







Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.







A cow walks into a bar.



Barman says 'why the long face?'



Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'







I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.







These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit.



Talk about flogging a dead…



NO! NO NO NO!







Said to the Mrs. these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots.







To beef or not to beef.



That is equestrian.



COMMENTS

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FracturedMoonlight
FracturedMoonlight
15:01 Feb 19 2013

This post granted me a much needed giggle.





dabbler
dabbler
20:23 Feb 19 2013

Haha, and Burger King in Russia got some of that meat as well, as Poland.





 

**Giggles**

00:48 Feb 12 2013
Times Read: 673


My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.





I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.





Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.





Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.

When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen"

Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years"





Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

"Stuff that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"





Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!





I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"





I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.





A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him... "Where are you from?

You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.





Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.

Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!





I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.





An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?

she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.





Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?



COMMENTS

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DawnOfTheDead
DawnOfTheDead
15:07 Feb 19 2013

Your posts always make me laugh, good taste in jokes my friend...Sometimes the European nature make them even better...Anyway you gave me the giggle I needed, thank you.





 

**Giggles**

00:47 Feb 12 2013
Times Read: 674


My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.





I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.





Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.





Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.

When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen"

Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years"





Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

"Stuff that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"





Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!





I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"





I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.





A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him... "Where are you from?

You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.





Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.

Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!





I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.





An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?

she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.





Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?



COMMENTS

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dabbler
dabbler
01:09 Feb 12 2013

Haha





 

**Giggles**

00:29 Feb 06 2013
Times Read: 688


Sister Catherine walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.



She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.



'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior...





'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'



'It was,' sighed the Sister.





And I went to play golf with my brother.





We try to play golf as often as we can.





You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to the Church.





'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.







'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'







'Far from it,' snorted the Sister.







'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'







'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.







'You must tell me all about it!'







'Well, we were on the fifth tee ... and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life.



I creamed it.



The sweetest swing I ever made.



And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'





'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.



'How unfortunate!



But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister?'



'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.



'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'



'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.



'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.



'And I was so proud of myself!





And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'





'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.





'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'





Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...





'You missed the fucken putt, didn't you?



COMMENTS

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xPinkyx
xPinkyx
00:33 Feb 06 2013

Hahaha





RedQueen
RedQueen
02:19 Feb 06 2013

Great- now the people at work think I'm crazy, cause I just laughed myself stupid...lol





 

**Giggles**

00:18 Feb 03 2013
Times Read: 694


Fifty Shades Of...





You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.



Finally, I drifted off to sleep.



Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.



My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.



Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you...

.

.

.



.



.



.



.



.



.



.

Fucking mosquito!


COMMENTS

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