The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A Philosophical Note.........







Life is like a dick







- simple, straight, relaxed and hanging free . . . . .







It's the women who make it hard!! -

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.



One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.



Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".



Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.



A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.



So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.



Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".



And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.



But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.



Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.



Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."



Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."



"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old,

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.





COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.





JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.



**** And the WINNER is... ****



FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"



Children Are Quick



TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,

but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.



(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people

are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________



Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

COMMENTS

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therealthing
01:51 Feb 20 2012

Very funny my brother. I needed a good laugh, and this stuff was very funny

XD

Hugs

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Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.



Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.



She was astonished!



It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex".

The night went very well.



The next day, Janice told her friends all about it.



"We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterwards?" asked her friends.







"Oh, that........... Dave was too tired."

COMMENTS

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therealthing
01:56 Feb 20 2012

LOL, that is just typical

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This morning on the motorway,

I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman



In a brand new BMW



Doing 125 km



With her Face up next to her



Rear view mirror



Putting on her eyeliner.



I looked away



For a couple seconds!





And when I looked back she was



Halfway over in my lane,





Still working on that makeup.





As a man,



I don't scare easily.





But she scared me so much;



I dropped



My electric shaver,





Which knocked



The meat pie



Out of my other hand.



In all The confusion of trying



To straighten out the car





Using my knees against The steering wheel,





It knocked



My Mobile phone





Away from my ear





Which fell





Into the coffee



Between my legs,





Splashed,





And burned





Big Jim and the Twins,



Ruined the phone,





Soaked my trousers,





And disconnected an



Important call.





Bloody women drivers!!

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.



Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.



Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole



Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet



Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact



Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine



Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle



Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor



Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity



Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans



Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub



Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.



And for the Kiwi's amongst us:

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep

COMMENTS

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Xzavier
01:13 Feb 12 2012

I thought bushwanker was a word already. Btw, got a few shornbags here you'd love to billabonk! ;)

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http://garyc.me/fun/bring.swf





Amazing, how little it can take to entertain... me.

Little Johnny's sister ~



[[Oh No!!! He has a sister????????????]]





Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"



Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."



Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"



Sally replied, "No... Salty."

COMMENTS

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dabbler
23:55 Apr 10 2013

Gasp! Haha

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