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Aboriginal Tracker Somewhere between Karratha and Onslow



An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.





The Americans were incredulous.



Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine..

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.



"Jacky," said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"







The aborigine replied.







"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It's a red one.. The left pront tyre is bald.



The pront end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel..



There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.



There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."



The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.



"God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.





The Aborigine replied......... I fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!".

An old woman was asked,



"At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get,

Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?"



The wise lady answered,



"Definitely Parkinson’s ~ better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.





He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.



"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"



She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."



He swallowed hard.



Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!



Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"



"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."



"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"



"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.





Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.





We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."



Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.



"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"



"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.



Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.



Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.



Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."



Well, it was an immediate hit.



They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.



Their first night there, she undressed as he did.



There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.



Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"



She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."



He knew he was not getting lucky that night.



The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.



She looked at him and asked:



"What's with the black condom?"



He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.



'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'



The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.



He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.



'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.



The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.



He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'



Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.



The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.



St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'







The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'



And So The Christmas Season

Begins......

COMMENTS

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Serenity
02:51 Dec 19 2012

LOL Happy Hollidays :)

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Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen.



She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.

Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why??"

She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again!!"





Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.



The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"

Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"





Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.



He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fucking next!!"





Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed".



He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"









Went out last night dressed to kill . . . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.











Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"







Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick” but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"







Give it here"

"No, it’s mine"

"Let me have it"

"It’s my turn!"

"You had it last"

"Fuck off!!"

"Come on gimme it"

"No way!"

"But it's my go!!!"



. . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank







Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.

Ron says "The measles are contagious".

Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"

Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"





Man walks into book shop and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"

Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"

He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!!!"

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.



When an old Grandpa walked by.



One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,



"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."



The old man said,



"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."



One of the old Grandmas said,



"Sure we can! - Just drop your trousers and under pants and we will tell you your exact age."



Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he slowly dropped his drawers.



The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then to jump up and down.



Then they all piped up at once and said,



"You're 87 years old!"



Standing with his trousers and underpants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,



"How in the world did you guess?"



Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...







"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"…

COMMENTS

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DawnOfTheDead
02:49 Dec 14 2012

Love it!

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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.



Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.



Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"



The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos.



Actually we carry many different models."



The old woman then asks:



"Doooo youuuu carrryy AAA pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"



The clerk responds, "Yes we do"...



"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.



He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.



He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.



Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'.



So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.



The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.



His funeral is this Thursday.

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.



1st kid says "A computer".



Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."



2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.



Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything."



The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure!





When my sister started dating a Lesbian, I remember Dad saying,





"Well, that's the last fucking thing we need."

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.







However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world:







Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.



His final challenge was this:







Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.







Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.







Here is his astute answer:







"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.







But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.







And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

Son said to Dad "I'm Gay."



Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?"



Other son said "Me too Dad."



Dad said "Bloody hell, doesn't anyone in this bloody family like pussy?"



The Daughter said "I do."







10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.



At the Pearly Gates St Peter says "If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell."



Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out "And take this deaf bastard with you."







In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.



Answer; throw in your washing.



We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny.



My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."



I said "Sorry mate. Did he drown?"



"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."







The wife said to me last night "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse."



Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first..







My mate reckons he always cries after sex.



Mind you....he is in Prison.







The wife came out of the bathroom and said "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?"



I said "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again."







Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.



Picked him up in a night club.



He Looked like a woman.



Smelled like a woman.



Danced like a woman.



Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.!



That's when I thought "Just wait a minute."







I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.



I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?"



He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."



Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. .then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"



"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

COMMENTS

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DaddysLilWhore
22:04 Dec 07 2012

These are too funny.

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A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,”You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:



BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.



"From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.



When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.



And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.



"The next night he came home from work and yelled" BELL 1!"



The wife promptly took all her clothes off.



When he yelled "BELL 2!” the wife jumped into bed.



When he yelled "BELL 3!” they began making love.



After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"



"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?



"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied



"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

COMMENTS

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RedQueen
05:15 Dec 04 2012

ROFLMAO!!!

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DaddysLilWhore
22:03 Dec 07 2012

Love this XD

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Serenity
02:45 Dec 17 2012

LMAO

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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.





After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.



She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.





'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.





They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'





'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.



'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.





The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...





No more blow jobs for her!





She bought the frog.





When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...



The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.





In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.





She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.





'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.





The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.'

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XbluesandX
02:11 Dec 01 2012

*Chuckles* but I like to....never mind.

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