The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

COMMENTS

-

---

shellsbells
14:47 Apr 22 2013

oh lookie here Angelus made a funny!

smart ass...lol

---

BLOODLIFE
17:59 Apr 22 2013

lol...brilliant!!

---

POST COMMENT

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.



He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.



There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Miller High Life on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.



He hears a priest come in:



"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".



The priest replies:



"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.



The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.



He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.



As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.



The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"



The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"



A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.



The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.



Everybody standing around was laughing...



When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.



The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.



The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.



The crowd stopped laughing immediately.



The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.



The silence was deafening.



The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12-gauge barrels.



The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;



"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"



The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"







There are a few lessons for all of us here:



*Don't be arrogant.



*Don't waste ammunition.



*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.



*Always make sure you know who is in control...



*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.



When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.



On and on and on:



neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.







Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.







The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.







The Therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife Needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"







"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.



He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Miami thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.



On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call’.



The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.



The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.



The American thanked the priest and went along his way.



Next stop was in Orlando.



There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.



He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Miami and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.



She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.



'O.K., thank you,' said the American.



He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, Asia & Australia.



In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.



The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if New Zealanders had the same phone.



He arrived at Napier in New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, '20 cents per call.'



The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.



'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches.



I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.



Why is it so cheap here?’



The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in New Zealand now, son -



"This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.

COMMENTS

-

---

dabbler
18:05 Apr 16 2013

Haha

---

POST COMMENT