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Well, we (Myself, Charity, her sons Ian, 4, and Dakota, 2months) drove to Kentucky last Wednesday for Thankgiving. We took 2 days to get there and 2 days to get back because of the kids and driving 10 hours straight really sucks. I know because I have done it so many times. lol



Right before we got to her parents house, I found out they are mormon. They don't drink or curse. And you know what? I was SO GOOD!!!!! LOL Who woulda thunk it?



They have an L shaped couch. Ian and I were watching a movie and we both fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and her mom was on the other side. We talked for HOURS and it was one of the nicest conversations I've ever had. I got to go out to the farm with her dad and we also had a wonderful conversation.



What a terrific weekend! I ate so much that I gained 5 lbs and my uniform is very tight. I have to leave the button to the skirt undone. Pretty bad, huh? lol



Charity's sister Cassie made this amazing cheesecake. Normally, I consider my father to make the most decadent cheesecakes on the face of this earth. Well let me tell you, hers was just as good as my dad's. Charity and I brought it on with us on the way back. It was mostly gone by the time we hit the TN border. We were eating it with our fingers and stuffing our faces.



Good times! (and I wonder why I gained weight? Well, no not really lol)

My friend Charity might as well be my sister. She is my best friend in the world and I love her very much.



Her mother is dying and she just went into the hospital again. Her mother should have been dead years ago. She has to go through dialysis 3 times a week. Most of her veins have collapsed because of all the needles and her only hope, which is the tube in her neck, got infected and they had to take it out. She has only had 1 treatment this week. The only reason she is still alive is through sheer will alone. They call her a walking miracle.



Anyway, Charity called me today and asked me if I would drive to Kentucky for Thanksgiving so that her mother may see her newborn son.



How could I say no to that? I would do just about anything for her. I've always wanted to meet her family and see where she grew up. I'm just sorry that it has to be under these circumstances.

What is it about me walking a mile in other people's shoes lately.



As I have written before, if my family would have died I would have killed myself. No if's, and's, or but's about it. I would not have cared about how the people I have left behind felt. None of it would have mattered to me.



I was talking with my friend Dave tonight. And besides my family, there are few people in this world who love me unconditionally. This is not a complaint, it is just a fact and I'm ok with that.



Dave is one of my best friends and he does love me, as a friend, unconditionally. I've known him for years. He is one of the best people in the world and I think the world OF him.



Well, he is in a very deep depression right now and is having major thoughts of suicide. That scared the living daylights out of me. I'm on the phone tonight crying my eyes out begging him not to do it. I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't and he couldn't promise me that.



If he really wants to do it, there is nothing I can do to stop him. He doesn't care enough about his life anymore. It makes me so sad. I really don't want to have to go to his funeral.



My thoughts are so scattered right now. I don't know which way is up. All I want to do is help him see that this life can be beautiful. But who am I? Just someone who cares so much about her friend. And it won't be enough. Why can't it be enough?

I wonder if I'm in some sort of depression or am just traumatized by the events of a few weeks ago. Ever since Hurricane Wilma happened I have had such a preoccupation with death. While I'm greatful for life, I think about death all the time. I can't stop.



Maybe I just need my kids with me. I need to see them, feel them, smell their grubby little necks. I love them so freaking much. I feel like I'm missing out on everything right now. Well, duh, I am.



I see the pictures and they have grown up so much in the past 6 weeks. Alex is losing his baby fat and I think Melissa is gaining some of it. lol



They even look alot older.



I want to go to the park or chuck e cheese or the movies with them.



I want to play the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and do the conga around the house. I want to sing and dance to silly songs with them. I want my son to be silly and run around the house in a towel until I can catch him and make him put his jammies on. I want to go out for McDonalds or an ice cream cone. I want to watch Melissa try to do a handstand in the living room just so I can tell her to do it somewhere else. I want them to jump on the couch so I can tell them not to do it. I want to give them piggy back rides all over the place. ANYTHING!!!!



Hopefully they might be back by Christmas. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed because I'm going nuts here by myself. I am extremely bored by my own company. Hell I was reading on the couch last night and fell asleep fully clothed because I was so bored.

called me a sexy bitch tonight. What a compliment! Made me blush even.



Well Cancer, I think you're smokin! *purrrrrrr*

*wink*

Khayman wrote this in her Journal:



Jason, as some of you know, has the 'night shift' with Jackson.



Unfortunately, Jackson has this thing where he won't 'behave' for his father.

But as soon as I come in and pick him up, even if Jason is holding him, he shuts RIGHT UP.



I'm pretty sure before Jason goes back to work he's gonna wind up on the top of a clock tower with an air riffle.

=-----------------------------------------------------------



I find that totally funny and ironic because when Jason speaks, Alexander jumps. When I speak Alex pushes the envelope.



What a new concept for Jason!! He has to stay up all night with the baby. Because he was working, I was always up with Alex. Oh how the tables have turned. I'm glad he gets this experience. All new daddies need it. =)

------------------------------------------------------------



It has just come to my attention that I sounded a bit mean when I wrote that. I wasn't trying to be mean. I was buzzed and giggling the entire time. And honestly, I think it is a great thing for Jason to do, taking the night shift.



My friend Charity recently had a baby and her husband sleeps on an air mattress in the living room so the baby doesnt wake him up. She has done everything and still goes to work (90 minutes each way) , cleans the house, does the laundry, and takes care of both kids. He has barely lifted a finger to help. Pisses me off big time.

If you have read my journal or know me, you know that my kids are still in Florida.



Usually I get I love you good bye (from my daughter) AND good bye I love you (from my son)



Tonight there was actual major conversation going on. My daughter was crying to me on how much she wanted to come home.



My son was yelling that he wanted to come home. (Not yelling in the selfish naughty whiny sense) Just being very vocal about it.



Holy Shit I miss them so much. I want nothing more than to kiss them and hug them. I want to tuck them in and snuggle singing silly made up songs and playing I'm thinking of an animal.



I'm so lonely without them. I can only party so much. I just want to stay home with them and watch Sponge Bob. Anything. I need them with me.

I was in the car today driving to my friend Charity's house. I was listening to the country station when Kenny Chesney's song Who You'd Be Today came on. (the lyrics are at the bottom)



The song made me think of how I came with in a whisper of a breath of losing my entire family due to Hurricane Wilma and the tornado that hit my parents house with them and my children in it. Entire family being my mom, dad, brother and both of my children.



I thank God that I didn't lose them. Especially because if I had lost my children, it would have been my fault. I kept them in Florida because of Hurricane Katrina and there was no childcare in my area.



I would not have been able to live with myself.



For many years now, I have taken a strong stand against suicide. I have always fully believed that it was the cowards way out, untiil now.



I live for my family, that is how much they mean to me. They are my heart, my soul, and my everything.



If I had lost them, I would have killed myself.



I can promise you that.



I would have had nothing left to live for. Nothing else in this world matters to me more than my children and my family.



That all being said, I was driving down the road today, listening to that song, thinking of my family being dead. I had my suicide planned in my head. Down to the last detail. It was so bad I started crying in the car. Am I nuts? No, I just have an overactive imagination. That really is not a good thing sometimes.







Kenny Chesney Who You'd Be Today:



Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

See your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe your gone



(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died too young

Like a story that had just begun

But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

All the hell that I've been through

Just knowing, no one could take your place

Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today



Would you see the world

Would you chase your dreams

Settle down with a family

I wonder what would you name your babies

Someday's the sky's so blue

I feel like I can talk to you

And I know it might sound crazy



It ain't fair you died too young

Like a story that had just begun

But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

All the hell that I've been through

Just knowing, no one could take your place

Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today





Today Today Today

Today Today Today



Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat

The only thing that gives me hope

Is I know, I'll see you again someday



Someday, someday