The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Outta the Mouthes of Babes
15:08 May 25 2005
Times Read: 835

Fruit Cottontail.............is what my son asks for when his Nan (grandmother) puts out the fruit cocktail.

Cleaning the Toilet
13:54 May 24 2005
Times Read: 839

Instructions for cleaning your toilet







1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.



2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.



4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".



6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.









Sincerely,

The Dog

How stupid, yet I just couldn't help myself.........
19:51 May 16 2005
Times Read: 856






Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'



Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get

accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.



Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!



But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.



When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.





And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.





Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'



Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.



But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. (yowza!)



Tom Brokaw !??



Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's....... Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?







OK! Here it is!









*

*

*

*







just A COMMON TATER............







See? I told you, didn't I?

Why Women Cry
19:49 May 16 2005
Times Read: 857




A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.



"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."



Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"



"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.



The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.



Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"



God said:



"When I made the woman she had to be special.



I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.



I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.



I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.



I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.



I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.



I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.



And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."



"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.



The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

A LETTER TO YOUR PETS
15:11 May 16 2005
Times Read: 861

Dear Beloved Pets:



The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.



The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.



I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.



Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.



For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.



Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.



The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!



To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules are here:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and

Like to Complain About Our Pets



1. They live here. You don't.



2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)



3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.



4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially my cats.



5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!

ARE VAMPIRES IMMORTAL?
22:34 May 12 2005
Times Read: 871

I found this on



http://sphynxcatvp.nocturna.org/faq/most-forreal.html



The answer is great!!!! I got a kick out of it at least. hmmmm That's not necessarily saying much. tee hee hee



Anyhooooo:



ARE VAMPIRES IMMORTAL?



I won't entirely rule out the possibility, however I have not met any. If I'm still around in 100 years in relatively the same physical condition I am now, or actually meet one who can verify advanced age, I'll probably revisit this question. :) Yes, I am aware there are those online who claim to be immortal, but that always begs the next question - why is their grammar and spelling so terrible, or another example, why do they only speak in "Internet shortcuts"? If they've truly been around for a few hundred years already, there would have been some substantial improvement in their writing skills. And no excuses about about "using Internet shortcuts" to save time, because that really hampers communication, and anyone as old as they claim would find it just as annoying as I do, if not more so. :)

Wow, it's true! =)
16:15 May 11 2005
Times Read: 880

Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

August
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless.Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends .

It figures....it really just figures...*sigh*
16:11 May 11 2005
Times Read: 881

Take the quiz: "What Kind of Guy Do You Attract?"

Sexaholic
You are really horny!! go get your sex loving partner. Before you meet you parter pick-up some condoms.. alot of em'. you're going to need em'. and call me if your a guy...lol. j/k.

Oh Oh Oh Quiz Day!!!!
16:09 May 11 2005
Times Read: 882

Take the quiz: "What Song r u?"

We think its love -- Leah Haywood

Cool Quiz I saw in Khay's Journal
16:05 May 11 2005
Times Read: 883

Take the quiz: "Which Horror Movie Are You?"

The Craft
You're whole life, you've felt different. You know you're different, and that is why you break away from the norm and don't give a shit what other people think about you. You're you, you're proud, you're a bit... weird might I say? but you're far more interesting than most people will ever percieve. Keep being yourself, whether people like it or not.

Alexander the Great
20:13 May 06 2005
Times Read: 902

My son's (for those of you who dont know his name, it's Alex) response when his dad asked why he absolutely loves Fear Factor:







Because they got to put their heads in cow blood!

Drunk fun.......
20:09 May 06 2005
Times Read: 903




THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:



1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon







THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:



1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder







THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:



1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

I Love George Carlin
04:25 May 02 2005
Times Read: 907




YES, I AM A BAD AMERICAN.







YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

by: George Carlin



I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.



I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!



I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!



I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.



I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.



I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.



I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.



I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.



I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.



My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.



I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.



I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.



I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?



I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.



I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?



I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.



I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.



And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good.....and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.



I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.



I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.



And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.