The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

NAME: Greg Bulmash



DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.



DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Kevin Keegan style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.



EDUCATION: Yes.



LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.



SALARY: Less than I'm worth.



MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.



HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.



DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.



MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?



DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?



DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"



HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.



DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.



WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.



DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.



SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Instructions on cat grooming product, simplified for your convenience:



1. wet cat thoroughly

2. apply product and comb through cat’s wet coat.

3. keep cat from grooming for 10 minutes.

4. rinse product thoroughly off of cat.

5. dry cat to make sure (product) is completely off cat.



Actual sequence of events:



0. cat senses you’re up to no good, hides under table.

0.2 cat runs under couch.

0.4 cat resists being picked up.

0.6 cat realizes it is being brought towards the sink.

0.8 mortal komcat!

1. wet cat thoroughly

1.2 put cat back in water and get another 1% of cat wet before cat gets out again.

1.4 amazingly, cat has managed to writhe into a position where she’s holding herself away from the faucet with all four legs, her head, and her tail.

1.6 reassure kitty that everything’s okay, yank head back to avoid claw in eye.

1.8 wet cat the rest of the way.

2. apply product and comb through cat’s wet coat.

2.2 apply product with one hand while holding cat with the other

2.4 cat lunges for freedom, hides in bedroom.

2.6 find cat in box, continue grooming.

2.8 box falls to shreds, cat’s coat is fully combed through.

3. keep soaking wet cat from grooming for 10 minutes

(no, really. these people are insane.)

4. rinse product thoroughly off cat.

4.2 carry festival of whirling sharp claws back to bathroom.

4.4 put cat near stream of water.

4.6 every movable object in the bathroom falls to the floor as cat struggles in matrixesque bullet-time and attempts to propel herself through ceiling.

4.8 cat gets washed.

5. dry cat thoroughly.

5.2 chase cat around apartment with towel.

5.4 wrap cat in towel, fluff dry.

5.6 cat gets out of towel.

5.8 see 5.4

6. cat stares balefully from the top of a bookshelf.

6.2 cat stares balefully from the top of a bookshelf.

6.4 cat stares balefully from the top of a bookshelf.

6.6 cat stares balefully from the top of a bookshelf.

6.8 cat stares balefully from the top of a bookshelf.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names: a trade name and a generic name.



For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen.

Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin.

Advil is ibuprophen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.



After consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.



Also considered were; mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.



Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.



Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink.



This additive gives new meaning to the names of Cocktails and Highballs.



Pepsi will market the new formula by the name, Mount & Do.



The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered:



Over the past five years, Americans have spent more money on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research.



It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

I saw this in I'llNeverTell's profile and loved it. It's interesting to say the least.







Princess Diana's Death:



An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French Tunnel, driving a German car with a Deutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey. Followed closely by Italian paparrazzi, on Japanese crotch rockets, treated by an american doctor who uses Brazilian Medicines. And this is sent to you by a Russian using bill gates technology. Which she enjoyed stealing from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese made chips and Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians. Then hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finially sold to you....



Who woulda thunk it?