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So as of recently I've decided that I'm going crazy. I'm totaly not sure what the hell is wrong with me. What makes my brain go into complete scary chick over drive? Why am I so insecure? Why do I start to freak out when "feelings" start to happen. I start to lose control and fall the fuck apart. I'm beging to feel the need to put my heart in that little box again. and maybe my brain along with it. I think entirely to much and thwart my own efforts to happiness.... What the hell am I scared of? Why is it so easy to tell some one else to be brave and go out on that limb and tell some one how you feel when I myself cant seem to bring forth the same strength I demand of the one seeking my advice. Why is it that I'm such a brave fearless person until it comes down to being with a person? I dont want to mention "feelings" to some one who is unwilling to express there feelings. How many times do you have to hint to another before realizing that they have figured it out and are still not saying what it is you are after to know. I hate games. If you want me say "I want you" if you dont just fess up and let me move on. I'm a big girl and I will go away after. I swear. I dont have alot of time to waste pining away over some one. Of course I'll mourn a bit but you know I've become comfortable with mourning. I know the feelings well. I can honestly tell you every phase I'll go through and how long each will last and in what order it will come. Let me out before I destroy myself please. The more attached I feel myself getting really honestly the more the subtle reassurances dont work. I need passion I crave KNOWING WITH OUT DOUBT. So often in my life have I just been some one to be there. Never has it been "Stephanie you are special to me" I hate indifferance. Dont be indifferent to me. YES OR NO. Want to spend time with me and damnit let me know you want to spend time. I hate being the one who always says "lets do this on this day." Or "hey do you want to spend time with you" I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU UNLESS OTHERWISE SAID!!!!!!!!!!! Call me at random or text me when you think of me. No its not going to bother me.... I love waking up to the texts no matter what hour i finally got to sleep. Your never bothering me. I however feel that as I'm the one who always initiates the texts and calls that I'M the one bothering YOU. I dont want to be "that chick" EVER. and I'm really insecure about it ok? Why is this so hard to understand?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Every now and again me just being the girl your seeing isnt enough. Tell me I'm beautiful; that You want me. This is killing me and I think I am just about finished being frustrated. I'm going to walk away and allow you the opportunity to follow or just stand there. Its in some one elses court now because I'm convinced that all the work isnt all mine. You cant just sit there and let me do it all and wonder then why I get weird. Who are you working for or fighting for if not me? Thats what a woman thinks. If you are unwilling to do some of the work for me then what in the hell is the point? I'm pretty well fucking confused and I hate the grey areas. So until then good night.
I know what you mean, I'm the same way. Even though I'm a guy I want those kinds of things once in a while too but I always seem to be doing it all with no REAL response. I don't know if it's just because she's not used to being in a relationship or if it's just the same thing again but I'm starting to struggle with the same thing with my current girlfriend. I suppose it doesn't help that girls aren't used to a completely emotionally open guy.
COMMENTS
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placidchaos
03:16 Jun 26 2008
I know what you mean, I'm the same way. Even though I'm a guy I want those kinds of things once in a while too but I always seem to be doing it all with no REAL response. I don't know if it's just because she's not used to being in a relationship or if it's just the same thing again but I'm starting to struggle with the same thing with my current girlfriend. I suppose it doesn't help that girls aren't used to a completely emotionally open guy.