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Why do I feel the constant need for approval from those around me? It drives me nuts, but I catch myself doing it anyway!!

COMMENTS

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dabbler
23:23 Jan 20 2008

I have been reading Devil Tree By Jerzy Kosinski and the protaginist ask this same questions in a few different ways...one even gave me a jolt....when I answered.I do the I-under-represent- myself so that others will not count on me more then I can handle.



It does get a bit more involved when I am consious of it I wonder if others know as well.

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Well today the rollercoaster is on the upside... lets hope it stays there. It is amazing how good one feels after standing up to someone that has pushed you down for years without end, and even better when that person backs down and limps away.. God, I wish I had done this so long ago! ;-) And the "new" one is doing fantastic!!

Someone very special to me has charged me with a year and a day to find myself and the path that I am meant to walk... I am 3 days into it and already feel so overwhelmed. I have so many concepts that were force-fed upon me growing up, and am just now getting the courage to say.. "wait, that doesn't sound like what I believe.." What is sick is that the harder I try to open myself up, the worse the internal war gets, that I am going to hell simply for trying to explore a more "feasible" (to me) religious path. I feel like my entire salvation is on the line, but I am not sure where that line is or if I am anywhere near the correct side of it. My only comforting thought is that I know in my mind that I live my life in a way that is devoted to the caring, helping, and lifting up of my fellow man, and not a life of pain, deceit, and misdeeds as so many of the people in my life that claim to be Christian do on a daily basis. I hope that counts for something. My defining moment was when my child asked me that dreaded question... why? in regards to having to go to Sunday School.. It dawned on my that my only answer was "because I said so, because I had to as a kid, because your Grandma says so... just because..." I do not want to force my children to go simply because I had to. When I chose to accept the Lord, I did so at my own time, and it had NO bearing on the yrs of church, and it was right at the time, but now... I feel like one of the herd.. I feel like I will always be a Christian, but not in the form I have been up until now. I feel there is so much more out there, and I feel that thru some of the research I have done... there are more logical, and more spiritual ways for me to conduct my life, and gain the path to peace and contentment that has always been visible, but just out of reach in my life. I am so confused and disoriented, feeling like now I am the child asking "why?" and "how does that work?" not even knowing where to begin.. I guess for now I will have to be content with the knowledge that I have at least decided to begin...