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Why do I even try anymore? I continuasly say "I Hate Men" I say it all the time. Yet I always end up finding one and think, "This one could be worth it." and guess what that one never is! This time I really got myself deep in the shitter. I found my self the perfeat guy. He's nice, has a good since of humor, has a job, great friends, doesn't live in the same shitty town as me, and he is 15 (I'm almost 18). He did not tell me this right away mind you. I had talked to him before and my friends and I had decided that he was 18 and he knew that we had assumed this but he didn't bother to correct it right away. He was just gunna have his fun with it. I went to the fair with him, I went to a concert with him, and I went to see him at work almost every day. It wasn't until a night of a little bit of fun in the dark (we did not have sex but it was intimate) when he finally says, "By the way how old do you think I am?" and I said, "Well I thought you were 18" and he said, "You and your friends only assumed that I am 18." I say, "So how old are you?" He says, "Well I'm 15." You can imagine my shock. I freaked. I started stammering and sayin' "you're shitten me you got ta be shitten me." He was ammused and kept laughing at me and askin' if it would be a problem. so I said yeah that it would be a problem that I don't date younger guys especially not that younger. He just blew it off. I almost didn't go see him the next day and I was very tempted not to, but if I ran then I would have been running for a long time. So I went and saw him. I ended up hangin out with him after he got out of work and we ended up staying together. Well where I thought he was perfect I now see how much he's not. I see how horribly immature he is. Now I'm seeing things that we don't have in common. The more I try to look for things I like about him the more things I find that we don't share. I want to like him. I want to put the age difference aside and forget about it but I keep noticing more and more about him that I don't like and it's hard. and now he wants to get "involved" with me. I don't want to make that commitment to someone I don't see myself staying with. But he's so commited to me, and possesive of me, and happy with me. He loves me. and every time I think of him I think of how he's younger than me and how it shows. I know I should get rid of him before I'm too atached but I can't. I'm helpless.

I thought that I didn't want another guy. I hated men and I blamed them (or at least one specific one) for all my problems. There was no way I wanted another one anytime soon. But then I met Jessie. Jessie flipped my world upside down. He is this really great guy that I love hanging around with. He has a great sense of humor and is cute and sweet and funny. He has beautiful blue eyes and the cutest dimples. I've been hanging out with him for a few days and he amazes me. We were with my sister who has a baby of 18 monthes. I would be holding her and he was always making sure that if people were goofing off that they left me and the baby out of it. He would play with her and help feed her and did all this stuff showing how much he liked kids and new how to handle them. It was so sweet. I still don't want a boyfriend anytime soon, but Jessie has restored my faith that maybe, just maybe there is a guy out there worth my time and energy. I don't think I've found that person yet but I'll keep looking.

The man I am in love with (and who is in love with me) broke up with me. If that isn't bad enough, he did it over the internet. That should be illeagal. He could have at least called as a curtousy. I got pissed off and ended up going to my room and started cutting and when I realized what I was doing his name was in my arm. This unusual I don't cut very often but that night I just wasn't thinking straight. He always hated my cutting anyways so I guess it could be rebeling against him but it wouldn't realy be rebeling if he doesn't know about it (which he doesn't) But all in all I still hate men.