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I've come to the realization that I cant let go enough to fluently write poetic thoughts which seem so poetic in my head, but come out in this quasi Frankensteinian fashion.



So hence forth, I refuse to fight that organizational monster. Instead, I will use the words of those who have tamed the beast!



Much love to all musicians around the world. Your art is devinely inspired in my eyes.

This time of year always makes me introspective. I lost my best friend in a car accident seven years ago... wow seven years. Died without a scratch on his body. It was a perfect open casket marriage to death. I feel the same as I did then though. As though it just happened. Its the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thought on my mind when I close my eyes.



Its not so much that I wish I could have stopped it from happening... I truely believe everything happens for a reason; even if I dont understand it in the slightest. Its more that I look at the space my mate filled, and realize its still a gapping wound that will seemingly never be healed. The jagged edges perpetually tender.



I suppose theres a lesson to be learned in all those emotions, which I bitterly suppress. Perhaps he left so that I could finally grow to maturity alone. On my own legs. With my own thoughts and morals to weigh and measure my actions against.



Possibly this is the pain I must feel as a youngster, so that when I feel pleasure later in life, its that much sweeter... but is there a limit to our tolerance?



My tolerance is apparently directly linked to my sanity. The harder I hold on to what society deems as normal, the more pain I feel. The tighter my grip, the less I realize that I can justify reality. Therefore I say fuck society. Pain is just lesser pleasure to be nurtured. To use as a reference point to gauge how pleasureful my current situation is.



I suppose being on the opposite side of the world from my brothers resting place, on his death-day is more of a blessing than I originally thought upon wakening. The lesser pleasure I feel today, gives birth to the bliss of our reunion, tomorrow.

Human behavior has always been interesting to me. For instance, how is it that a person can beg a favor or ask help of you, then turn the other cheek once you request a favor in kind? Actually, in general, a typical response tends more towards exasperation... as though 'I' should inherently know the answer to my questions. Maybe I should... but then again maybe I should get close to as much as I put in, back.



Honestly I'm stuborn and figure anything there is to know, I should be able to figure it out eventually. This sort of thinking usually gets me a one way ticket to frustration as I struggle towards understanding a new concept. Perhaps this is what irks people in regards to me... makeing them tempermental... but oh wait! The same people who are short with me treat other people, who I would definately not consider stuborn, the exact same way. So hmm... ~scratches his chin~



What makes me short with people hmm... Perhaps the answer lies there.?.. I would like to say nothing pushes my tolerance; but that would be lieing to myself. I've learned my lesson about that, so the truth then.



When one says a thing then does another. This pisses me the fuck off. A smoker who complains about being out of shape. That fucking idiot that always buys a double wopper with extra cheese, chili fries, apple pie and a diet soda 'cause they're on a diet and not for the taste if you know what the heck im rambleing about.



The one that walks up in your flat wakeing you up saying 'Oh! You're sleeping? I called a quarter trillion times and no one answered so I thought I'd come over to see what you were up to'. Then they wont climb in bed with you. Instead, they try to get you up fifteen minutes before you're alarm was set for so they can tell you all their problems. Which you care nothing for but listen to anyway in the off chance something, even remotely as enjoyable as jumping back in bed would be, is relayed to you. Though you know from the look on their self-absorbed face this wont happen.



A person who asks your opinion, then refutes it before you finish. I suppose they just want to see if you were as twisted in your thinking as they obviously are. That person we all know (and might be heh) that preeches how beauty is on the inside, then looks over anyone that doesnt fit an exact physical discription.



I suppose it comes down to a struggle for power. Time is the enemy, which we're all fighting a war against in one way or another. To spend your time helping another, when the chances of something tangible in return equals slim to none, is simply illogical.



Not being able to see the forest through the trees may play another part.



So mayhaps immortality is the only solution. Kill time and the human 'race' will have to find another goal. Another goal and another form of populations control... ~grins~