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Today was in some part tolerable. I wasn't so aware of the countless moments that I was left to myself, but I was still aware that I was lonely. The soft tremors and aches in my soul never quite left me, and at one point I began to speak out to the memory of someone being beside me. One could only imagine how my heart broke when I realized that I was speaking only to a memory. I sat in the silence for a long while looking at the empty seat I had imagined someone sitting in. I had almost fooled myself into believing I had a friend, but there was only me. I went to the shops after that to watch people go about their lives. They were all smiles and all seemed to shine as they went upon their mundane tasks. I only lingered, as a shadow might, in their world. I spent perhaps an hour watching before I realized I was abject and did not belong among others. I went back to my home. I tried, with some effort, to read a new book I had just purchased. It was impossible to continue once I discovered that the pages were scented with the smells of the store I had just came from, and in my own home I felt uninvited. Why I allow such trivial things banish me I do not know. Such things I used to enjoy. I loved the scent of new things. The crisp and brilliant sense inspired such enjoyment, but nothing is the same anymore so why should that old comfort be? I long for something. In the beginning stages I thought it was company, but now I can't fathom really having anyone to speak with. I would have nothing to really say to them. My only words that matter are what I write now to myself and for the eyes of others, and even these words do not mean much to me. Nothing means too much anymore. Once upon a time I used to be enthralled by every sense and image laid before me, but now nothing sparks any inspiration. I am so thoroughly uninspired that I cannot fathom I ever was otherwise. That leaves me with this hollow again, but at least I know the hollow. I am at ease with it, and perhaps it is where I have always belonged.

The languid and disincentive dark winds as if a toy to my mind. Rendered to the pitch black the shadows seep lovingly. My only loves, my only contacts to sound, drift inwardly to me. I am at abandon. How delicious the fusions of nighttime. I compel myself to no mercy under the sun, and no mercy beneath the sun would have me. We are detente in our putrid loathing of the other. How lovely it is to be so forlorn, I am free. No moral scintilla, and all is moot. Such abandon and freedom I'd never wish on any soul.

The rain comes. It's fitting, the rain, the sky continues to weep. I'm not sure why the sky would cry out. Such beauty should never shed tears, but they fall and keep falling. I imagine the clouds cry because I cannot. They express my perdition in ways I could never allow of myself. I strive so hard to be strong, and I strive even harder to be not effected by my loneliness. I watch the crystal droplets collect, and the world seems a duller shade today. I walked among the tears when the moon hid her shining face. I walked as I haven't walked in so long. Each step led me further into the darkness. The darkness consumed me in my wandering. I wished in my way to be dissolved away into the night. I wished to be part of the black and the hollow. The hollow...a concept I've known so well for quite sometime. I have a heart, it beats with pure love, even though it is ruptured. Have I ever been so at home with idleness before that moment, I ponder? At one point the stars shone from their blanket of clouds, they were left not effected by the city lights. They were a badge of some hope, but their pure candescent white was hurtful to my soul. They stood so pure, and I've never known a grace that could redeem me to such a state. The stars, though a kindness or a gesture, were a cruelty. Perhaps one day I'll find them beautiful and inviting again, but now starlight only shatters me further. It often is this way when love dies. Perhaps others are more capable of moving on, yet I am not so powerful as to heal in another's resilience. i will love again because I cannot help but to love, but I will be destroyed by it as love will not allow me to remain whole. It is unfair our relationship. It is unfair because I cannot give back the pain it renders to me. I wouldn't though if I could. Who am I to harm the pure, and if I were the one to punish I could not. I'm not unkind. Love gave me the strength to smile, and I treasure the memory of happiness. I even cherish the cruel longing and deep wounds I've sustained. They gave me the right to say I have a soul. Such a priceless gift that is to me that I wIll never say a harsh word towards the love I might bear. I only wish that everything in my life were not so one sided. If only I weren't so bitter...

I've come to the conclusion that I have lost faith in most things. It astounds me hoe easily I shed my childish wonder. I clung to it so very preciously, and now I scoff at my misguided beliefs in the euphoric beauty of nature. I look upon that which I found spiritual, and now I realize it is just meaningless beauty. If I could shed tears I would for it feels as if though they should be shed for the loss I've sustained. Though I now believe ever more firmly in the power of my own will, and I do let that truth comfort me. This ever going metamorphoses I've ventured on is quite enlightening. I share these things only so I might be given opinion on the matter. I share only to establish that I can argue my new findings. However, it truly is odd that nature's splendor is more precious to me than ever. I appreciate it all the more for I draw no meaning from it other than accidental beauty. I find it's flaws more precious. I find myself more at ease in a world of meaningless grace. It makes me smile to be so close to it. I continue my studies of these matters, and I continue self growth.

Staggering and broken, the will I once had. Had I ever loved another till then? Had I ever known a completeness until then? I am troubled in the tumult around me. The voices and shades never cease, they comfort me in their steady shrieks. They had said he'd go, and they had already bore witness to my broken heart. I am now only bitter towards the last fragment that is now gone. I had known love, and now I am silence in this world of sound. It had been such comfort to know I could love, but I know such remorse that I should think I will never care to lose again. I am left not amazed only in disdain of love. It seems such a waste of effort. It is a waste of energy, truly. To try so hard only to be left truly alone. Some state that they are 'alone' after being left by a love. They confess that there is no one, but I truly have no one. I spend my days in contemplation and isolation now. I don't care to open my heart to another save for in carefully written secrets. Why I write of it is beyond me. Perhaps it is a confession that I did once for a brief time love. I was as human as any other. Now...I am only the sheer broken will of something that was once human. I feel so abject and so acutely displaced from the world now. My only comfort is the sounds and endless wails of things in the dark. Those voices I have always known. Those shadows I have befriended keep me safe. Who would believe me? No one. It doesn't matter. I used to confess of them, but now I just pretend they aren't near when around others. It doesn't matter. Why do I care to say these things now? I can't reason that, but here I continue to write in my loneliness. It's just another day, another nightfall, another procession of lost hours. I commit myself to it only because I cannot stand losing again. I cannot stand the loss of another, I have lost so many. How empty is my life now. How empty am I.

I'm quite new to this entire scene, but I do love vampires. They amuse me so very much. I suppose this is my introduction to those who care to read it. I'm not sure what I want to say, or what is worth stating? I'm simply tired of the normality that is humanity, I think. I want so much to live differently. I want to be different, I suppose. It's the essence of my venture. I think this entry will be short, but only because I haven't much to say of this new adventure. I have only to learn still, and learn I will.

COMMENTS

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PAGAN
21:49 Sep 02 2010

Well, welcome to VR! Hope you enjoy it here ;)

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