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He's pissing me off.

I'm seriously beginning to feel like everyone can just FUCK OFF.



It's only my Baby that matters.



...And I'm having a bad feeling about all this.

I've spent the past 2 days practically living on a online babyshop site, considering back and forth what's worth buying and not...



I just clicked "order", finally.

Luckily they give you two weeks to send it back in case you regret your order...

2 weeks for Yendor to try and make me reconsider AGAIN... He is so careful with money, and luckily I've become like that myself now... I used to spend carelessly, now I have to think of the baby.



I am trying hard not to spend too much on the baby, only on the necessities... And if the necessities are too expensive, be creative and find a more economical way.



But some things just HAVE TO be bought... Including baby clothes.

Now, I understand the argument that baby grows quickly, but for me that's not a good reason to make the baby wear the same clothes until it outgrows them.

Ok, I am reasonable enough to know not to overdo it... But is wanting to buy 3 pairs of basic trousers to overdue it?



I only ordered what I considered to be necessary... And yes, I know I will probably want to buy more clothes, but I'm going to stop myself from doing that as long as it's not absolutely necessary...

I can't help the fact that the sum came out a bit expensive... You can't do anything about it, babies cost, and I think we're doing enough already to save up on as much money as possible...



So, I spent 230 $US on basically 12 clothings, 1 pair of socks, 1 cap, 1 scarf, a baby towel, a changing mat and a huge, soft, warm, baby blanket which can also be used as a playmat AND sleeping bag.



I know it's a lot of money, and I know Yendor will gasp out loud when he sees the bill... (I am getting the package sent to my home in Sweden...)

But I KNOW I am right about this, and luckily he trusts me judgement and common sense... I know he won't argue about this, perhaps trying to make me reason cause too often he looks at the money rather than the items bought...

But oh well.



Now, what's left to buy is basically... Some toys, a babygym, a babycarrier, a babybag... (And in MY opinion, a babysitter...)

For now.



When we come back to Malta we have to decorate baby's room, get a cot...



And not to mention we will keep having to stock up on clothes.



All this economical thinking is making babyshopping rather exhausting and frustrating... I want to buy EVERYTHING for my baby, and I can't.

I'm kinda losing the fun and pleasure of doing it, cause all I've got in mind is saving money...



*sigh*





Anyway...



We will be in Sweden in 30 hours.

I dont think I have ever been in such a loner mood.

I dont want to be bothered by anyone.

I dont want to talk to anyone, barely even Yendor.

Its not that I am in a bad mood, which makes it even stranger. I just want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.



Oh... And I think I just saw babys foot, seriously.

I was laying down and suddenly got two kicks near my right ribcage, and I swear it was in the shape of a foot.



Anyway...

I am off to watch Music and Lyrics, I finally got it this morning!



The soundtrack is so addictive o.O

...I just began looking at baby stuff and lost all my will to buy any DVD's or anything else for myself.



I want to buy baby blankets, sheets, a baby gym, baby toys, baby clothes...



Everything for my baby.



And Yendor better NOT try and stop me from buying what I want for Baby.



Grr...

Yendor is gonna shoot me.



I am SO close to buying a bunch of DVD's...



Including:

- Music and Lyrics

- Notting Hill (although I have it on VHS)

- Sleepy Hollow

- Corpse Bride

- Shakespeare in love (have this on VHS as well...)

- Hamlet (Kenneth Branaghs)

- Pirates of the Carribean 2

- Chocolat

- Pride and Prejudice

- Moulin Rouge (VHS...)



I just LOVE these movies...

And I haven't bought a DVD forever.

I want them in my collection! Dammit!



Oh bleh.



I know I won't buy any of these cause I feel bad buying anything at all that isn't for the Baby.



(And no, The DVD's aren't for the Baby no matter how much I try to reason that way...)





*sigh*





This sucks. :(

I feel like telling everyone and everything to FUCK OFF.



So... yes, FUCK OFF and leave me the FUCK alone.

I know, reason tells me the body NEEDS to store fat when you're pregnant, it's just a natural process, a little babyfat is SUPPOSED to be there, it's all for the Baby, I know.



But I feel so damn unattractive, unsexy, fat, yucky and just BLEH!

Fine, it's just a little fat.

But feeling and SEEING it around my hips, ass and thighs... Is really making me nervous, panicky, frustrated, disgusted.



I want to get rid of it. NOW.



I don't have much... I think.

But I have enough to make me totally lose it.

I.

Want.

My.

Body.

Back.

NOW!



I can't wait, I so can't wait... How could I ever complain about my beautiful body?



The only thing which could have kept me kept me sane during this, would be the opportunity to for once have big boobs to be proud of...

But no, they haven't grown at all.

Isn't some of the fat supposed to go to the boobs??? Well it's obviously gone on my hips instead.



GAH and I feel so lousy complaining about fat when I have my Baby growing inside there. It's for the Baby dammit, it's for the Baby!

And now I really feel like watching "Music and Lyrics", I watched it a couple of months ago and I absolutely loved that movie... It was so sweet and the music made me want to shake my booty.



*does the evil piracy thing and downloads*

I seem to have regained my fondness for the language, I spent the whole day yesterday watching cartoons in Spanish and just finished watching the latest movie by Pedro Almodovar... "Volver" which was amazingly good like all his movies are... Well, the ones I've seen... Habla con ella, Todo sobre mi madre and La mala educacion...



Now I'm in the search for another good Spanish movie... Either that, or a movie with Spanish subtitles at least.



I should really take this few last weeks before the baby arrives and use them well, practicing my Spanish seems like a good enough idea to me...



And watching Scooby Doo in Spanish is hilarious.

Lately I've been having a lot of sex dreams, but they've all been realistic considering the fact that Yendor has always been the... object of attraction.



It's... interesting because I've never really had dreams like these before, if I have I've always been with women.



Well, last night I had one crazy dream after another, and in one of them I find myself having sex with David Beckham (!!?!?!?) in a jacuzzi in the middle of a huge garden.



The worst thing?



It was so... freaking.... YUMMY.





*runs off to shamelessly google pics of David...*

I'm nauseous.

I'm dizzy.

I'm weak.

I'm tired.

I'm hot.

I'm breathless.

I'm heavy.

I'm fat.

I'm restless.

I've got a headache.



And on top of it all I'm in a VERY shitty mood.

(Oh well, I should be thankful for not having to add back pains and heartburn to the list, shouldn't I?)



I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS, I WANT MY BODY BACK AND THIS BABY TO BE OUT NOOOOOOOOOOW!!!



I can't even walk up the stupid stairs anymore without having to catch my breath, I can barely take a walk alone cause I end up feeling tired and dizzy, I can't even do a few stretches without the need to rest.



I hate this.



I miss going to the gym, I miss feeling light, I miss feeling well.



And the whole being in labor part is yet to come.



Oh, and not to mention the baby I will have to take care of for the rest of my life.



What the FUCK am I doing with my life!?

VR is good for one thing...

I'm really learning not to trust people and be naive.

I feel so bloody fat, out of shape and utterly disgusted by myself.

Just... so... fucking... BLEH!

I'm so fucking done caring about it all.

Pissed is only my first name.

What the FUCK does it all matter!?

Conclusion of the day:



I suck at scrabble.

I want to go home NOW!!!

I suddenly got this insatiable desire to watch Kenneth Branagh's "Hamlet".

I absolutely love that play, and the movie is so stunning.

That man is one of the best actors alive...



As soon as I get back to Sweden, I am SO renting that movie.



13 days left...

"Your baby sleeps approximately 90 to 95 percent of the day now".



o.O



Yeah right, THE HELL it does.



Unless it's a sleep-kicker.

To hell with my previous 4654366 page long entry.

I'm tired of putting my personal life out there.

Is it really supposed to be this difficult?

I'm trying my best...



*Enter 354354 pages long censorship........

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........

........

........

........

........*



I'm just gonna go lay down and play with the baby... It won't stop moving.

Mommy's little wild monkey...

Today is an extremely weird day.

I keep having cravings for different things, it's like they change within the minute...

I'm simply ending up not giving in to a single one.



I was craving chocolate like MAD before and I had refused to give in to that craving for two days before today... But it was so strong it was really driving me crazy... So I messaged Yendor and asked him to bring me some when he comes back from work... But time passed and the craving settled... And as it turned out he had to stay to work 2 hours overtime, so I just told him to never mind the chocolate.



I didn't know what to do with myself, so I went out thinking I'd get some chewing gum. I end up buying a bar of chocolate cause I felt the craving coming back a little... But going out from the store, I suddenly don't want chocolate anymore... I want sweetcorn (which I've btw been craving EVERY DAY for the past weeks, wtf is wrong with me??) so I go buy sweetcorn... On the way there I crave a soft drink but can't decide between 7 up and Pepsi... So I end up taking orange juice, cause my craving suddenly changes... again.



I go out from the store, start drinking the orange juice and end up throwing half away (luckily it was only a small 200ml bottle...) cause I don't feel like drinking it anymore... Oh and before I've reached home, I've stopped craving the corn as well.



So now I'm sitting here waiting for Yendor to come, drinking a glass of water.





Oh and the right side of my lower back especially has been aching like HELL today.



*sigh*



And in between these cravings I had an emotional attack again or whatever I should call it, I went from pissed to sad and crying to worried after a phone call with my mother.



But I'll write about that later... Yendor is the one I need to talk to about this and he'll be home soon.



All I can say is, I'm seriously wondering if I can cope with moving to Malta, for more than one reason... And no, it has nothing to do with food.

I need to learn how to let go of the past and realize that what was then, is not anymore... necessarily.

But how can you be sure?



Unless of course, you're a mind reader...

I'm in a very odd mood.



I feel so... Dominant.

Suddenly, I don't want to go back to Sweden at all.

I got myself a reminder of why I wanted to leave that country in the first place.



I'm feeling so cold and indifferent inside now...

So cold I'm actually shivering.

*tries to shake it off*

I can't agree with this.

I can't handle this anymore.

I'm sick of seeing people buying this shit.

I'm sick of all the VR bloody drama.

I'm sick of all the bloody talk about VR being a "vampire" site and that it therefore gives you the right to be completely immortal, unethical and treat people like shit.



I am SO bloody close to deleting my account and leave this shit behind.

I am actually feeling something, like I could, perhaps, with a little luck write a poem which would actually... Awake something in me, not only senseless words on a piece of paper.



I forgot about the most simple trick in the book... To use emotions I'm experiencing and project them into a work of art.



Sahahria is an amazing woman.

Thank you, I don't know how to thank you.

♥

Pffft...



Again, locking members up won't change their minds about wanting to join a house/coven or more to the point, "following VR rules".

In fact, it'll only make them even more determined to stand by their opinions.



And is this really the right way to show these "troublemakers" that joining a Society doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing?



Coven of Bullshit...

That's what it is.



But some people seem to thrive on the misery of others.



Well, have fun before the shit is thrown back at you.

How do you find inspiration for poetry when it's been dead for so many years?

Where should I search? How should I begin? What words do I use?



I'm praying for my pen to glow again...

This is madness.

Perhaps it is wrong of me, perhaps I am being foolish.

But I can't lie to myself.

I don't agree with some of the VR rules, specifically the Forced Inductions.

It doesn't make sense to me, and I don't care what anyone might say about my statement... It's how I feel and something I can't change.

I don't understand the necessity of all this.



Perhaps I should draw back and delete my account then, since I can't feel it's right to force induct people in such a vile manner...



Or I'll end up in purgatory for expressing my opinion.

*takes a deep breath*



Fine.

You people do whatever you wish to do, it's not me who's gonna end up regretting it.

I believe in only doing things you can be proud of, and if this is what makes you people proud of yourselves... Then so be it.

But don't come complaining when life punishes you for it.

I refuse to waste more of my valuable energy on this stupidity.

This is unfortunately going to be a very un-zen like rant. For the sake of the baby I should try to calm myself down, and I feel that the only way is to let my anger out and clear the air. I don't want the baby to feel this.



It pisses me off how incredibly immoral, disrespectful and downright cruel people can be.



The opening of the Coven of Purgatory can barely have left anyone unnoticed, it has already created some drama and there sure as hell is room for much more.



At first, I couldn't be bothered with trying to understand the meaning of her coven or to interfere with the madness. That was until a very sweet person got affected badly by her actions.



How can you take the concept of forced induction so far that you literally don't give a shit about a person's feelings!? You take them in unwillingly and refuse to let them go when they could find a better home elsewhere, somewhere where they would actually be happy. You deprive them of this human need, this RIGHT to be in a home where you feel comfortable.



Alright, I CAN understand that you lock in members who have been nothing but trouble or acting in a bad manner, but when you go on attacking innocent persons who have done NOTHING wrong but simply expressing their opinions... That's just not right.

Since when did voicing your opinion become a sin!?

Perhaps I better be careful with what I'm writing here or I'll end up being locked up because of a journal rant.



What pisses me off the most is how people actually PRAISE and ADMIRE her actions, wtf is wrong with this place?? How can you support something as cruel as this?? You're all sick fuckers. You fucking DISGUST me.



I hope you'll burn on your little throne. I hope Karma will hit you not only 3 times but 300.

I hope that when you fall down, you'll hurt yourself so badly you won't rise again until you realize your actions and beg for forgiveness.

People like you piss me off and make me wonder what kind of shitty world we live in.



And then there's all this talk about there not being a choice when it comes to inductions, unless you become a sire, never reach level 5 or delete your account. Question, WHY can't you be given a choice? Are you so fucking into the whole vampire role playing that you have to go this far, so far you end up hurting people? It seems to give you some kind of sick satisfaction.



Fine, force induct people, even we in Lux are, but the difference is we might force induct them, but we DON'T force them to STAY. WHY keep a member who's unhappy, someone who would rather be in another Coven/House? I'm seeing people blinded everywhere, is favor really THAT important to you?



Ok, fine, members can choose to simply ignore the fact that they've been inducted and simple keep on living the VR life... Being used for favor earning... but still. OR they can learn to live with it and do their best to become a part of the team... But answer me this, HOW can members possibly want to give a coven like The Coven of Purgatory a chance?? HOW after the way they're being treated can they accept being in such a vile place!?



Oh godness this isn't even helping. I am still angry. I'm beginning to wonder what I'm still doing on VR, it's not a nice community anymore... It's anything but nice. There are VERY few honest and kind persons left on this site.



Everyone who supports this madness can go fuck themselves.



Hear that?? Go FUCK yourselves!

Insomnia again...

*sigh*

I am feeling an extreme discomfort and very nauseous today... Doesn't matter if I sit down, stay up or lay down, nothing helps and it's driving me insane...

I just threw up my whole lunch and it didn't make me feel much better...



How do I survive this? sigh

Failed.

No... I haven't started the puzzle yet.

Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?

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What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)

You are a forest shadow. Your essence is that of the tree or beast that casts you upon the earth. You feel a purpose to be in balance with the cycles of life and are wise and beautiful in your submission to the justice of Mother Nature. You are peaceful in temperament and, though you feel small, your spirit is precious, strong, and mighty as the (green)forces with which it is affiliated. (please rate my quiz cuz it took me for freaking ever to create)Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

I am becoming desperate.

I need something to do.

I am so bored I can't even be bothered doing anything... And that's bad.

Yendor even took me to a children's shop yesterday trying to find a board game for us to play... I couldn't find anything cause I thought everything looked so boring. At least we got playing cards...



I am exhausting the poor man. :(

He's really trying hard to satisfy and keep me happy, amazingly hard. He never gives up.

I am so thankful for the patience he has with me...

I could never do this or anything without him.

I really need him...



He even stays up during the nights to let me sleep in the bed for myself cause he knows I get uncomfortable if I have too little space, especially in this heat. Even though he has to get up for work in the morning...

He sleeps on a mattress, but it's not very comfortable.

I feel so guilty about it...



We need our own apartment and a HUGE bed NOW.



There's really not much waiting for us at home in Sweden either, I only have a single bed which is even smaller than his...

*sigh* We have to figure out something.



Anyway... He came home from work and went to sleep now, who can blame him? He told me to wake him up in 3 hours... I have to keep myself entertained until then... Not that I feel much less bored when he's awake.



So, he has a puzzle he bought at the National Gallery in London, 1000 pieces with a picture of Titian, Bacchus and Ariadne... Before he fell asleep I asked him if he would mind me playing with it... He said no as long as I'm careful not to loose any pieces... (that's such a Yendor comment)

So I'm going to give it a try and hope I won't get bored with it... I used to love puzzles after all, though the last one I did was YEARS and YEARS ago... I'm secretly hoping I'll become addicted to it.

Cause I've realized I need SOMETHING to be addicted to, to make the time pass... And when even PC games aren't working, you get desperate...

I wish I was addicted to VR but I'm really far from it. I have to force myself to find something to do here to get time spent and pages viewed for the favor now...





I keep feeling nauseous and don't have an appetite at all, it's getting on my nerves...At least it's a LITTLE bit cooler today... The air coming from the fan is somewhat fresher, and if you can trust the weather reports the temperature will go down below 30 degrees now... And it will rain on wednesday or thursday... I hope it will, LOTS and LOTS of rain... please.

Worst thing is I'm realizing my discomfort isn't only due to the heat, it's so much more than that... Dammit...

And I'll have to live with it for another 8-9 weeks.

And then I'm gonna have to push a baby out through my vagina.

OH god help me.





Milk does your body good... *drinks*

I feel so BLEH and NAUSEOUS!

I'm sick of this!!! :'(