09:24 Oct 20 2012
Times Read: 480
I'm scared for the future.
I'm scared of Ryan not turning out to be the best that he could be, to reach his full potential... because of me, because of the way I raised him, because of what I taught and didn't teach him.
I know I am doing my best, but sometimes it feels like I don't. Too often I feel like I've just given up and whatever will be, will be. I'm losing hope in my own significance. It pains me that on the daily basis, Ryan has only got me as a consistent adult in his life to guide him... And I'm not even mentally fit to raise a child, or so I feel.
I'm worried about him taking over my anxieties and depression, my anger and frustration. I'm worried about polluting his life with all the negative emotions I project. I'm trying to cleanse myself but somehow always end up falling back. I'm sick of being alone, at the same time I'm scared of people. I have a hard time believing someone will ever love me again, because of the way I am, because of my low self esteem, because of my negative outlook on life, because of the way I look. When I was younger, at least I had some confidence about the way I looked. But the past 5-6 years have completely taken that away. I feel old.
Ryan has been sick since Thursday, just a cold. Since then I've been trying to study with him at home, he's watching all his DVD's or playing music in his room, but I can't focus with him around.
The only place where I really feel comfortable is school, simply because school has been some sort of a safe haven for me since I was 16. I get OCD about writing the most perfect assignments, I love the process of writing essays, I love reading books and learning. I completely devote myself to school and nothing else, because it's the only thing I believe that I'm good at. I've never been able to develop a lasting relationship with my classmates, I have one friend from high school but as for the rest I barely even spoke to anyone. It's the same at uni now, I have one person I kind of interact with... As for the rest, I guess I just come off as strange, odd, a recluse. Because that's what I am, I suppose.
The thing is, I'm beginning to question my motives for studying the teacher's program. The five years of studies doesn't really put me off, it only encourages me. I could go to school my whole life, I hate working. Working means doing something that I can't do. it means expectations of a different grade, it means teamwork, it means meeting people. I don't think I'd really make a good teacher. The only thing I know is that I love studying English and I wish I could do that forever. I think it's likely that I will drop out of the teaching program and just major in English. Not that I know what that would give me. I'm just scared to go out in the world, I guess...
Ryan's in his room now and I have no idea what we're going to do today. I have assignments piling up and really need to study. This week I had to stay up two nights in a row to finish an essay cause I had no time to do it during the weekend. Juggling university with having sole responsibility of Ryan is driving me over the edge.
Oh well.
COMMENTS
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DireConsequences
03:16 Oct 21 2012
Hun, everyone gets scared of the future. Trust me. I have a lot of the same fears with Aurora.
I debated for over a month about taking her to something scary for Halloween because she asked me at that time. People looked at me like I was a horrible parent for taking her in there when there was a kid friendly area. She loved it though and didn't have nightmares.
Sick babes are not fun for sure. Do you have fingerpaints and things? I could send you some instructions for making marbleized cards with shaving cream, homemade paints, goo, and tons of stuff. Let me know on that and I'll type it out and send a list of instructions I have so you could pick out the ones you are interested in. It's all homemade and you would only have to get a thing or two like liquid starch.
And sweetheart, you are beautiful. I wish you could see that. How have you tried working on your self esteem before?
As for the teaching program... would you be able to do both? I know you're unsure about it and everything. But you had been wanting to do the teaching program for so long. I would hate to see you just give up on it and have nothing to "fall back on" if you would need it. And it would give you some time to think about it rather than make a hasty decision.
I hope this helps. I'm not sure whether it will or not. =] Remember that you definitely have someone who cares about you and Ryan here. I was actually thinking about you earlier today to be honest.