11:39 Oct 07 2009
Times Read: 805
I wrote this entry a couple of days ago but seeing as Ryan woke up I never got the time to finish it... And now I'm not quite sure where I was going with it, but I'm sure I had a point somewhere...
Anyways, since I need someone to share this with, I'll make this public.
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Every morning I wake up wondering why I haven't died yet, why I keep going even though I lack ambitions and a real purpose, why I don't just end it.
Because truth be told, there is some spirit left in me. I have a strong will to live, I don't want to give up. I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge which has been buried inside for too long. I have so many dreams, so many things I want to experience... and not to mention, I have Ryan and it is my responsibility to guide him through life and at least try to give him better circumstances and a better environment than the one I grew up in.
So, I can't go ahead and kill myself no matter how great my anxiety is. I have never felt so hopeless and depressed in my life, there has always been a way out before, always somewhere to escape, but now that I have him I need to start facing things for his sake.
Although I don't know when or how I will... I go through days thinking that this or that don't matter, because I might as well just shot myself at the end of the day. Days and weeks are escaping me, my life is escaping me, without me really doing anything about it.
I fear I'll end up looking back at my life and feel that I've wasted it, accomplished nothing, that I'll at 70 still be sitting here living at my mother's and still depressed about life, devestated over things I have no control over, things which are in the past.
Yes, I write this now, but what will I really do about it? I lack hope... That's the simple truth. I haven't gotten anything I've wanted out of life, everything seems out of reach, I feel lonely to the point where I've simply given up hope on myself and life. I just sit here day in and day out, doing what I can for Ryan without a real purpose.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore or how to achieve anything I want. Everything feels impossible.
It doesn't help either that Yendor is away and is probably going to be for some time or that my relationship with my mom is going down the drain... if we every really had a good relationship, we only did because I am quiet and insecure, unable to tell it like it is and face things... Too scared, too much of a coward to stand up for anything... And I rarely argued with her, never went out so she always knew where she had me, I was no problem to her as a teenager... because I just say by myself, in my room all day long by the PC... Her only complaints were that I didn't clean as much as she would like. That's all she cares about really, cleaning. I only gave her problems when she found out I had an eating disorder or when I had my suicide attempt and she had to rush me to the hospital in the middle of the night. Needless to say, she is having a lot of problems now with my 14 year old sister who is the exact opposite of me... she won't have any of my mother's controlling, obsessive disrespectful ways.
While I was in Malta I missed her, I could easily fool myself about what a great relationship we had, how much fun we had and what a great grandmother she would be to Ryan.
Well now that I've been here reality has hit me like a hard rock on the back of my head and I've woken up from these fantasies.
I can see now, remember now, why I was so desperate to escape during all those years I lived here, why I jumped and packed my bags at the opportunity Yendor presented to me... why I was so quick to get pregnant, anything to get me out of here.
And here I am, back where I started, alone but with a toddler on my hands which is giving me a lot of love... but also double the anxiety.
Not to mention my father, you don't want to hear about him. I don't hate him but I wish I could, he is wrong in so many ways and although I know he loves me immensely and would do anything for me and always has... He has done so in the wrong ways. He is hard headed and refuses to except any truth but his own, he never listens to me, he never respects me, he never encouraged me, he never appreciated me... He was just good at sticking a big fat knife of anxiety, doubt and insecurity into me everytime I tried to spread my own wings. He is violent and aggressive, he is racist, cruel and too blunt in his words and ideas. What's worse, I can never find the courage to stand up to him, not even now as an adult... Around him I am always insecure, always listening to the bullshit coming out of his mouth.
COMMENTS
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DireConsequences
15:58 Oct 30 2009
I agree!
Yummy!
I'm freaking out about Aurora's party, hun. There's people I have to invite, if I don't then they will hold it against me. In our new apartment is the location and the invitations are going to 36 people. Lord help me! I'm scared to death and wishing it was only few!
Make it special, let Ryan help you bake the cake! And don't be afraid to make a little bit of a mess. *smiles* You're a great mom! *hugs*