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I'm lacking sleep again...

I slept for no more than 4 hours last night, yet now that Ryan is napping I can't fall asleep even though I'm really tired. I don't want to take sleeping pills either because they leave me all drugged out for the rest of the day...



Ryan fell asleep at 10 PM last night and woke me up at 5 AM this morning... But I let him be, we just spent time together and played until he fell asleep now at 8.



I think my poor boy is constipated... He cries and seems to be in pain every time he does his thing. :(

I'll have to take him to the doctor in the afternoon.



I also think he's starting to get used to Yendor more, at least I hope so... I can leave the room for a few seconds to get something, while still talking to him and as long as he's occupied with something, without him crying. That's more than I could do a couple of days ago.



I hate that Yendor is so tied up with work, I know he does his best to find time for us... I just wish we could have him around all the time, Ryan could certainly use more quality time with him. I've decided to let go of my trust issues, stop worrying and make my two boys spend more time together. I need to find time away from Ryan as well, first I just need to figure out what to do with that time...



I want to get a job, I really do. A part time job, something which is not more than 3 hours or so a day... Not only for the income but for the sake of me doing something with my life other than babysitting.



I have one option and that's taking the CAE exam in March, hopefully pass it and apply for a job as a TEFL teacher. I have to find time to study though, and my time already feels so limited...



In fact I should get my ass up and clean right now, there's always something to do, but I'm too tired. I just want to lay down in bed and sleep next to my baby. Maybe I'll just leave it and do my best to get it done later...



I still don't know what to do about Sweden... *sigh*

The thought of missing out on the concert of my life pains me, that's all I'm saying. But the truth is leaving Ryan for so many hours pains me slightly more... Not that I don't trust my mother with him, I just don't think he'll accept me being gone for so long, especially since I never am... It would shock and scare him, I don't want to risk that happening.



Ryan's eating better by the way, much better. He has one or two bottles of milk a day + breakfast and dinner... And munches on some fruit or stuff in between. I feel proud of myself because I manage to feed him a healthy, home cooked meal every day... In the beginning I was so unsure about it like with everything else, but I got tired of feeding him jarred food... Now he only eats fresh food. If anything I'm going to make sure he grows up with healthy eating habits, that's more than I got... ha ha.



My appetite is nowhere to be seen, I can't make myself eat. I haven't had a decent meal for weeks. I either go without food or I just stuff crap in my mouth without really wanting to eat it... I know I need energy, I know what the healthy thing to do is, but I just can't bring myself to do it.



Ok, off to bed now.

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Czekolada
21:19 Oct 29 2008

Jaha... Det känns inte som om du kommer följa med. Du kan väl säga till så att jag i så fall kan ändra på mina planer...

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You know what I really miss?



feeling alive



I envy everyone but myself right now...



I don't want to be depressed anymore.



I wish I could just "snap out of it" but it's not that easy.



:(

I slept for 2 hours last night.

Yes... 2 hours.



I probably should nap with Ryan now...

But I can't fall asleep, even though I'm exhausted.



*sigh*

Insomnia



...

Why can't I just be happy?

Why don't I enjoy being with Ryan?

Why do I just want to sleep and never wake up?

Why do I get angry so often?

What's wrong with me?



Why can't anyone help me!?

Ryan finally went to sleep at 11 PM...

I can't believe the level of energy in that body.



I'm not really sleepy... I hate to admit it but I'm tired of him, I just wanted him to sleep already and give me a break... *sigh*

I hate it when I get like that... I don't want him to feel unwanted, I hope he doesn't... I love him but sometimes I just lack the enthusiasm and energy to keep up...



I'm going to see the doctor on Monday to ask for a prescription for antidepressants. I've forgotten to take mine for a few days, maybe that's why I feel like I'm losing it right now.



I'm trying to think of what to get him for his birthday... We are going to arrange his room next week, the theme will be Winnie the pooh :P

I love that bear, he's so cute. Unfortunately I bet soon enough he's gonna want batman so we'll have to redecorate the room... ha ha ha.



I wish I was rich so I could get him all the toys in the world, but on the other hand I'm glad I'm not so I won't risk spoiling him.



Jumping to another subject...

I'm worried sick about my mother, I let Yendor take Ryan for a few and finally called her... And she's really, really not well... Let's just say she could use me being there for her right now and it hurts me being so far away. It hurts that I can't do anything. Why does life treat her so unfairly when she doesn't deserve it?? She's been nothing but good throughout her life, and she gets shit back. It pisses me off... She's extremely depressed, lonely and unhappy... Just like me. Like mother, like daughter... Or something. Only for a different and much worse reason...

And again, I can't help her. What the hell do I do?



Anyway...

Untreated postpartum depression can affect your ability to parent. You may:



* lack energy

* have trouble focusing

* feel moody

* not be able to meet your child’s needs



As a result, you may feel guilty and lose confidence in yourself as a mother. These feelings can make your depression worse.



Researchers believe postpartum depression in a mother can affect her baby. It can cause the baby to have:



* delays in language development

* problems with mother-child bonding

* behavior problems

* increased crying

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XxLadyDarkRaynexX
11:48 Oct 25 2008

Adora

I read your journal almost

every morning

and it makes me

feel so sad for you

you are a good mum

and it just seems you are so sad.

I had really bad postpartum with my son

((hugs ))

Hang in there

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"Scorpio, with the symbol of 'The Scorpion', is one of the three water signs of the zodiac. One of the first things that you notice about Scorpios are their eyes; they will be very intense and totally hypnotic."



This is so true about Ryan. His eyes is the first thing I noticed about him and they've amazed me ever since. It's his most outstanding feature, they're so strong and expressive, I love them.



I managed to do the dishes before Ryan called for me, now while waiting for him to wake up I'm just reading about... stuff.

Postpartum depression...



Of course, with my mental history I'm not surprised. How could I ever think I wouldn't be affected?



I'm weak, so, so weak.



Of course I'm going to get depressed.



I'm on antidepressants since a few years back, but obviously they've lost their effect...Or I need to increase the dose.



So, I need to see a psychiatrist... but how is that going to help? It never has before. I'm still depressed,I still have panic attacks, I still obsess about my weight... despite countless of therapy sessions.



And now, this is going to affect my son. He's going to grow up with a possessive, mentally unstable mother. If I want what's best for him I should give him away to someone who's happy.



I can't let him suffer from me being weak.



Give me the drugs, all of them, just please cure me.

Make me happy.

Ryan has been tired and whiny this morning...



I hate it when he's like that.



I feel like it's my fault and I'm not making things better by having to change his nappy, dress him, brush his teeth, having to go out to the grocer's and all that. I hate it because no matter what I do he stays fussy and I feel like I'm failing him...



Now he went to sleep and I better go clean while I can. *sigh*



And I haven't called my mother for over a week... I can never find the time, I never have time for anything!!!

I can't sleep.



I can't sleep, not because I'm not tired, not because I don't want to.



I can't sleep because my house, the place which I pay for, which is supposed to be my place of joy and serenity, which supposedly is home... Is a damn dirty mess. It's not enough that it's totally cold, empty and soulless, it's filthy as well.



It stresses me out, it frustrates and angers me. It puts me out of balance, makes me say and do things I regret, robs me off happy days and instead replacing them with endless hours of me wishing I could just get some time to do stuff.



I can't even take the time to wash my hair because somehow the thought of getting those dishes done is more tempting.



*sigh*



I'm fucking exhausted but I need to stay up cleaning for the sake of my sanity.

Ok...



I'm breathing.



I love Ryan.

I love Ryan.

I love Ryan.



I'm gonna get up in the middle of the night and have a shower if I have to.



I'm just so tired...so tired. I know this is just a period of his life,I know he'll start walking soon, I know his separation anxiety will pass eventually and I know one day he'll want to spend time with daddy too. One day he will be so independent and full of life I'm gonna have to fight for a cuddle, I'll miss these days despite of a filthy house and lack of showers.



Reason is telling me all this but I'm still dreaming of feeling fresh and clean again.

This is getting on my last nerves.



I push myself to the VERY LIMIT when it comes to being patient With the boy, I love him but GOOOOOD!!! I can't even go to the fucking bathroom in peace! I can't have a shower, I don't smell anymore, I STINK and my head is itching!!! My back is getting more sore by the day from bending down constantly and most of all I'm tired of the fact that I can't get ANYTHING done!



Right now I'm stuck in bed nearly peeing my pants, but Ryan woke up and is nursing. I can't move or make too much sound or he'll wake up.



I was so patient, waiting for him to get ready to sleep, praying that he would stay asleep so that I could at least get a chance to clean the fucking bathroom. On my lucky days I get an hour, one extremely lucky day I got 2. Tonight I got 15 minutes.



I am so extremely annoyed andboiling with anger and frustration, I'm afraid of what I'll do if he wakes up or doesn't let me get out of bed soon.



I JUST WANT TO HAVE A BLOODY SHOWER IN A CLEAN BATHROOM, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!



FUCKING ARGH!!!!!!

Why am I doing this to myself?



...



I wish I would understand myself, I really do.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but it's not making me feel any better.



Dammit, get a grip of yourself you stupid, stupid girl!!!

I don't know why but I've totally lost my spirit...



I just woke up totally drained this morning, not feeling the slightest excitement for anything. Right now I'm reconsidering Ryan's birthday party, I feel like just me, him, daddy, a small cake and a few presents is enough. I don't want to be around people.



I didn't go to the mother and baby yoga today and I don't think I'll be going there anymore... I don't feel like interacting with these people, especially since I don't share any common ground with them. Ryan doesn't seem to be interested in other babies company either... He seems to be more interested in playing by himself... He's curious but doesn't really interact much.



We've had a pretty good day today... A minimum of fuss and more smiles than usual, a lot of book reading and his bedtime routine went perfectly well for once. He didn't eat much though, but I guess that's something that comes and goes at this age... I LOVE cooking for him though, feeding him makes my day... I just hate that cooking is so stressful at the moment, I have to make sure to start in time before he gets too hungry and fussy... And then while I'm cooking I have to try hard to keep him focused on his toys or make him stay with Yendor instead of demanding to be with me. But I try to make the actual meal as pleasant as possible...



I have to be honest about something, I don't always feel that rushing, pounding beat of love for my son pouring inside. I don't always feel that love and joy overwhelming me when I look at him... But today I do, it just came over me when I watched him take a bite of his little apple... How much I love him, this adorable little boy.



I'm really too tired to do anything now, as usual... I'm just gonna watch Heroes and then sleep.



Another bloody day awaits.

Being a mother makes you realize things, like how easy it is to take things for granted.



Just going to the bathroom whenever you need to is a damn luxury... You don't need to fight for 10 seconds on the loo and end up working your pelvic muscles for hours.



Yeah, and let's not even talk about showers.



I smell and I can't even remember the last time I washed my hair.



Bloody HELL have I mentioned that I'm really lacking a good spirit? I just want to sleep and never wake up, the thought of waking up to another shitty day depresses me...



Siiiiiiiigh help me.

I seriously just want to shoot myself today.



:(

I'm too tired to do anything.



Ryan is napping and there's so much I should and could do... But I don't even want to sleep, cause I'll just end up being even more tired when he wakes me up.



We've always been "lucky" with Ryan, he's never had problems sleeping at night and began sleeping through the night quite early... Though there are nights when he wakes up for his bottle and a few times, like last night, he wakes up wanting to play. I made sure not to stimulate him too much though and after an hour I put him to sleep again...



Anyway, I feel bad complaining about not getting a full night's rest... It could be so much worse, there are people with babies who wake up every hour or don't want to sleep at night at all.



I don't plan to do much today, it's Sunday so everything's closed and quiet... I'll probably just take the boy to the park later in the afternoon, other than that we'll just stay at home playing.



I'm getting better at the routine thing, I make sure he eats breakfast, lunch and dinner at about the same time everyday... Even though he doesn't really get much into his mouth. He's eating by himself now, I just give him the spoon and he starts munching.



I can't believe it's only 12 days left to his first birthday, where has time gone? I was in the hospital bed, giving birth to him not long ago... And now he's already been in this world for a whole year... It scares me, when you think about it the daily troubles and worries all pass and before you know it... Whooops he'll be 18 wanting to move out.



And yeah, I want to have another baby before he's 3....



Good luck with that, I don't even want to have sex anymore. Ha ha ha.



No, seriously... It's not funny anymore, the more time passes the less interested I become and the grumpier Yendor gets. It has to change but I really hate the idea of doing it again...

I can't seem to get over the fact that Ryan came out of there.



I don't know what to do about my trip to Sweden either... I was going to see Alter Bridge on the 19th November, but they rescheduled to the 10th December... Which means I'd have to rebook my tickets... That's not the issue here though, the problem is that I can't even leave Ryan with Yendor for a minute, how on earth can I leave him with my mother who he barely knows for 4 hours!?



A few weeks ago my neighbour wanted to watch him while I went to the store... I was gone for maybe 10-15 minutes, when I came back Ryan was panic crying his eyes out, screaming MAMA...

I swore never to leave him like that again.



I don't know what to do... I've been a fan of Alter Bridge/Creed for what, 7 years now... I've been waiting so long to see them and to miss this opportunity would be like hitting the last nail in my coffin of despair... But I can't leave Ryan, not if he's gonna react like that.



*sigh*



It just overwhelms me how much you have to sacrifice for a little boy like him...

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Deity
14:11 Oct 19 2008

He is *so* cute though. LOL I know it's totally not the point but I had to share. ♥

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Czekolada
07:07 Oct 20 2008

Karro, det där får du helt enkelt ta.. Ryan litar på din mamma. Om du låter honom umgås tillräckligt mkt med henne innan Alter Bridge så går det bra. Tro mig, jag blir väldigt besviken om du inte kan följa med.. Nog för att du verkligen ska ta hand om Ryan, men du har inte lämnat honom en enda kväll sedan han föddes. Det är inte nyttigt för varken honom eller dig... Så är det bara...

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Ryan can say "yummy" and "baby"!



:D

I've changed my mind about the whole giving up nursing thing, mostly because I realized how I was contradicting myself. I talk about Ryan's needs before my own, his need is obviously to stay close to me... He's not ready to let me go. To be honest, I'm not ready to let him go either.



What got to me yet again is pressure and comments from outsiders, people giving me this surprised look when they see I'm still breastfeeding... Not to mention the fact that Ryan sleeps with me. Yendor has given up pressuring me, but I know he wants Ryan to have his own bed.



Well... It's not time yet and I won't let anyone decide for me and my boy. He's in a period where he doesn't want to be with anyone but me, to try and push him towards independence now would be foolish and hard on him.



From what I've read, mothers who share my parenting philosophy say that it's best to wait until they understand more and clearly show that they want to be more independent. This is usually not before 20 months or so, even later.



So everyone who suggests that I do otherwise, and that inludes his father, can kiss my fat ass.

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Cheetahcry
21:19 Oct 18 2008

Hun you can feed your son up until they are at least 4 years of age or when ever YOU decide to stop. its not hurting your son nor anyone else. i have a very close friend that feed her sons up until they were about 5 if not longer.

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I give up these illusions of buying myself clothes...

I always end up not wanting to spend the money, and then I go and get something for Ryan instead.



He did need shoes though....

So...



Ryan is having a nap now and I'm reading everything I can come across about putting an end to nighttime nursing.



I love nursing him, but he's growing up and I believe he needs to learn to feel safe sleeping and waking up without me around. I want him to be able to fall asleep without me having to nurse him. This doesn't mean I won't give him the breast anymore or insist on him sleeping in his own bed... The time for his own bed will come. What matters right now is to nurture his independence.



He's finding it hard to be by himself in any situation, be it sleeping or playing. He can play alone for anything between 10-30 minutes as long as I'm around, occasionally providing him with a new toy. It's not his fault, I made it happen... And now I have to show him he can do things without my presence. I'm not 100% sure how to do this, but I must. I'm tired of him crying every time I'm not around, it's not good for neither him or me.



He needs to let go of me a bit and build up a closer relationship to his father.



Other than that... I'm working on establishing a predictable daily routine for him. I hate routines, I hate predictability, I need constant changes and happenings to satisfy me and stay happy. I can't be that person anymore. Ryan's life up til now has been stressful and chaotic, just how I like it... but it's not good for him, I understand that now.



Another thing I've been bad at is setting limits, well, that's going to change as well.



From now on I'm quitting these dreams and complaints, instead I'll accept reality for what it is and go with it.



Better get back tomy reading now...

Things are about to change in this house...



I've realized some things I'm doing are not good for Ryan in the long run, despite good intentions and love for him I now know I've been putting my needs before his.



So, I am selfish. I am impatient. I am stressed out and too occupied with my own thoughts and feelings. I am too worked up and worried about doing the right thing and "teaching" him, instead of just DOING and FEELING the right thing. Being a mother is about doing what you feel is right... And I've let nature be buried under a pile of worries.



I try to think about his likes and dislikes, realizing I'm not even sure what they are. I complain about him never seeming to be happy around me and being so clingy, I never realized the probles lies with me and not him.



I am the one who expects him to be one way instead of accepting him for who he is. I am the one stressing about him not reaching this or that milestone, instead of respecting his own pace. I am the one complaining about being bored and rushing through the days activities without respecting his need for a slow pace, his natural curiosity which makes him stop and want to explore every object. I am the one who doesn't take the time to get to know him. I am the one who makes him clingy instead of encouraging his independence. I am the one who doesn't understand or listen to him.



I'm trying so hard, too hard, to be the perfect mother instead of focusing on today, on what he needs. I need to put my impatience and impulsiveness away when it stands in the way for his needs.



It's all so clear to me now, I'm trying not to feel guilty about all these mistakes I've made and just move on.



Things are going to change.

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LadyChordewa
06:30 Oct 17 2008

I am not a mother, but I don't think you are alone for what you have been doing. The difference is....you recognize it and are willing to fix it, to have a happy healthier child.



Remember, I'm here for you sis. Always. You are a good mommy.

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By the way...



In two weeks it's Ryan's birthday and I need ideas for his birthday cake!

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dabbler
02:11 Oct 18 2008

Go with Farm animals. Something that can be saved off the cake, toy based cakes serve as a memento as well. I still have the toy barn yard animals from my first year birthday cake. Remember he will probly just want to plant his hand in it.

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I'll be honest with you...

I'm scared, no, terrified.

I'm freaked out by the immense energy in Ryan's little body.



I'm beginning to see his temperament and personality more clear now that he's entering toddler hood. It reminds me of last year when he used to kick and move inside me constantly and fiercely... I knew I was about to have a big pack of energy in my hands.



He is so extremely loud, physical, strong willed, determined, active, curious, intense... an attention seeking, powerful, magnetic and attractive little boy.



He refuses to be dressed, changed, bathed, cleaned, fed, lie still or sit down for more than a few minutes... He wriggles like crazy the few times I put him in the stroller, he wants to get up and run... In fact, he does run! With me holding on to him of course, but he won't let me hold his hands for too long, he hates that, he wants independence.



He never gives up and it's so difficult to try and distract him from the oven or anything harmful, I try to sit down next to him, look into his eyes and explain firmly that it's bad... He keeps insisting, shouting even, protesting loudly when I take him away from there.



At the same time, he's so sensitive. He loves the attention he gets from people, he's very friendly and sociable, always smiling... But when a stranger wants to hold him, he immediately draws back, clenching to me. If someone, like his grandparents, insists on holding him he protests, plunges himself forward and reaching for me. He only feels secure with me.



One reason why I don't want him to sleep alone is because he wakes up scared, crying for me... Some babies coo happily, playing with their toys... he panics. Not too mention how easily he gets overstimulated... And he's so sensitive to sounds, the smallest sound makes him look up... Which means he awaks easily, too easily.



I love all this about him, I love how energetic and creative he is... He'll grow up to be the most amazing person... That is, if I do my job right. That's where my fear kicks in.



What if I fail and lose control over him, something which can happen easily considering his temperament...?



Raising him is proving to be an immense challenge.

Well, my diet is working.

Resisting the sweet temptations is paying off...



Current weight - 55,5 kg

That's - another kg.



I have a feeling I'm gonna have to change my goal weight to 50 kg...



I still have elephant thighs, they won't bloody go away!!!



*sigh*



For once in my life I want to succeed with something... And I want to fit into a pair of skinny jeans by the end of this month!

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xxEmaeraldxx
22:23 Oct 13 2008

How can you have elephant legs at 55.5kg? .... I am befuddled, so many girls would give their eye teeth to be your weight Adora :) *hugs*

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Maybe I don't need to be skinny...

Maybe I'm good enough as I am, curvy and all?

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Babaganoosh
00:15 Oct 12 2008

56.6kg is your current weight, correct?

If you ask me, that's not overweight at all, no matter how short you are!

And besides, I'm a waif. Always have been. I hate it! What I wouldn't give for some curves, I tell ya what! :p

Go for the curves, I reckon! =D

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Starting weight: 59 kg

Current weight: 56.5 kg

Goal weight: 53 kg



Today I'm going to go on a strict no carb week to boost my weight loss even more... No more than 20 grams a day, preferably 0. Up until now I've reached about 40 grams a day. Bye bye cream in my morning decaff coffee... hello peppermint tea!



By Ryan's birthday I want to be a slim mommy. :)



I can't believe he's nearly one year old!



I've alsopromised myself to dedicate at least 15 min/day to some yoga while Ryan sleeps.



Last night I had to spend 2 hours cleaning after he drifted off to his dreamworld... I ended up going to sleep at 1.30 AM, I read for an hour as well... Then Ryan woke up hungry 3 times (!!!) So let's just say it hasn't been my most restful night... I took the opportunity though to get up while he's still sleeping, have my breakfast and get dressed so I can completely focus on him once he wakes up.



I'm ready for a new day...

I think.



Thought of the day:

It's insane how much money you spend on food!!! It worries me...

You know what pisses me off?

Yendor's attitude towards my cleaning.



It's like he thinks it's the easiest thing in the world, cleaning up with a separation anxious, demanding soon to be toddler clinging to you. I can't let him take care of the baby for 5 min so I can clean, because he cries. He hates playing alone, if he's in the walker he's constantly insisting on touching something out of reach... or when I give it to him, he throws it and wants me to pick it up.



He doesn't point to things (which btw concerns me since at 11 months they're supposed to... he doesn't shake his head either, BUT he brushes his hair... I guess that makes up for it?), he uses his arms, plunges himself forward or simply goes "iii iii iii" with his loud voice. Every day is a guessing game for me.



He can stay on the floor crawling for a few minutes, but soon enough he'll start lingering around my legs wanting me to pick him up.



He doesn't walk by himself yet, so if he feels like walking I have to bend down and hold on to him. Did I mention that my back is killing me?



Ah, and when he sleeps... I have about 30 min - 1 hour before he starts missing me in bed, wakes up and unless he sees his breast... doesn't fall back to sleep, which leaves me with a grumpy baby.



Then we have mealtimes.

I give him all the finger foods I can come up with, soft boiled veggies, cheese, bread with avocado or butter, a million different kinds of fruit... 70% ends up on the floor but at least something goes into his mouth. He still refuses to be spoon fed, he CAN feed himself with the spoon... but mostly ends up playing with it... Or maybe he's just not hungry.



And then, I HAVE TO spend time talking to and playing with him. Well, I WANT to do it too. But that should take up most of his waking time... interacting with me.



And not to mention what a mess he makes everywhere. Everything goes on the floor, food, toys, whatever. It's not always easy picking it up with a 10,5kg baby in your arms.



Now, tell me, how do I find time to clean?

I have to do it with him in my arms and it's damn exhausting.



I try, God knows I try! It's not like I don't want to, but it's nearly impossible.



Why can't he just understand this??



Better run off and clean now... Ryan just fell asleep luckily, we're going to the yoga class in 2 hours so at least he'll be rested.

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sahahria
13:22 Oct 08 2008

My stroller classes complain about this all the time- typically it takes a week of Mom being gone for the full impact of how difficult Motherhood is, to wake the boys up. After all they work hard, but the have no idea that what is done at home is sometimes much harder. Hang in there *hugs*

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xxEmaeraldxx
23:08 Oct 08 2008

He sounds the right wee Ninja! Adorable, but a Ninja in training heh, *hugs*

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I've been back on my LCHF diet for 5 days now... And it's going well. I'm losing weight again, and this time it feels different... I feel motivated and I already feel much healthier. No more carbs for me.



I desperately need new fall/winter clothes, my drawers are so empty I swear I can hear echoing. It's not about wanting here... Fact is I can't go around in five year old, shaggy, oversized jeans anymore or worn out shirts... It makes me both look and feel bad. And it's not like I can't afford buying myself a couple of clothes. So, I've decided that once I reach my goal weight which in this tempo should be by the end of this month... I'm going to go shopping for myself.



Ryan obviously needs winter clothes as well, but I haven't found much I like in the stores here... so I'm gonna go minimal here and wait until I get to Sweden to buy him more.



Speaking of Sweden... There has been a change of plans. Alter Bridge has moved the concert from the 19th November to the 10 December, which sucks because I'm going to have to pay 70 Euro to rebook my tickets now... BUT! The good news is, since Yendor had planned to go to London during that time to see Opeth/Cynic on the 20th November... (Obviously he can't go now and leave me alone with the baby... ha ha) we compromised and decided that he'll come to Stockholm as well since they're playing there on the 17th December... He can only take a week leave from work though, so he'll have to come in the last week I'm there... Here's the good news, this means that instead of staying there for 2 weeks, I'l get to stay for 3!!! And in my opinion that's worth paying a bit more for... Anything for extra time with my family in my home environment.



Another good news is that I've signed up for some baby activities... I finally found something, sure it's a bit costly... but I know it's worth it, both for my sanity to get out of the house, DO something and perhaps meet other mom's... But especially for Ryan to interact with other babies. Today I'm going to try out Mommy/Baby yoga and tomorrow there's a music class for babies.



By the way, the million books I ordered are arriving one by one, it's like christmas every day since I've got no idea which book is in the package... haha. The last one I received was "Itsy bitsy yoga for toddlers and preschoolers" It's from 18 months... AS soon as Ryan reaches that age it's yoga time.



It was my mother's birthday yesterday and luckily I noticed what date it was (I usually don't bother) and called her... but I feel bad because I didn't think of it earlier so I could have sent her something... On mother's day she received flowers from me... I could still send her flowers I suppose, but it doesn't feel the same when you do it days after. I just wish I had been there, I've never missed her birthday before...



We keep talking about moving to Sweden, what's for sure is that we both want to. The obvious problem though is that neither he or me has a job there... I don't know how the hell I would get a job there as I don't have work experience or a higher education... *sigh* So my Plan B is to take the CAE Exam, pass it, get a job as a TEFL teacher and save as much money as possible...

Yendor is going to take some computer certificates as well, everything to improve his chances of finding work. But it might take time...



All I know is, I want to get there as soon as possible for Ryan to be exposed to a second language and for him to start school there... And then there's the other thing, we want another baby but I don't feel comfortable getting pregnant while we're still here... And then, for Ryan to learn another language, it's better to get him there ASAP. After all, I read everywhere the benefits of a bilingual environment... I should have spoke in Swedish or Polish with Ryan from the start, but now he's used to both me and Yendor speaking to him in English... The one option is to surround him with people who'll talk to him in another language, which can only happen in Sweden. People don't really talk to him in Maltese here...



He just fell asleep again, my little boy. He hasn't had the best of sleeps last night, he went to sleep at 8 PM but woke up at around 10 PM and stayed up for an hour and a half... Then he woke up hungry at 4 AM, then again at 6 AM and after that he didn't go back to sleep... So now he ended up tired already at 8.30 AM...



I don't like the fact that he eats at night, at this age he's not supposed to... But then again, he barely eats during the day. I can't make him eat when he's not hungry... but this has to change and I don't know how to go on about it. I mean, he has about one bottle during the day, some small finger foods... And some days I manage to feed him a few spoons of food, but that's all.



I'm trying to establish a routine for him but it's difficult when he's sleeping and eating hours change from day to day... One day we wakes up at 6 AM, then obviously he'll feel tired earlier than at noon, which in turn affects the time he'll go to sleep for the night... But then the next morning, he sleeps until 7.30 AM... I'm just at loss at what to do. He's sleeping next to me in bed right now and I should really take this time to clean or do something... But here I am typing this instead.



You know, I'm an expert at letting things just run out in the sand... I often need a good kick in the ass to get my motor going, I hate this about myself... But now I am REALLY going to order a self study book for the CAE Exam and take the time every day to study... The next exam is in March and I need to be ready by then. It's a shame I haven't prepared myself enough to take it now... But I get caught up in the hectic life of trying to keep up with Ryan, cleaning and cooking... It's not easy finding the time and energy to do something besides that... I haven't read a book in weeks, not because I haven't wanted to. Oh well.



I should get up and have some breakfast... Scrambles eggs with smoked salmon, yum yum.



Uh oh... Forget that, Ryan's waking up.

You know what I hate most about being so unhappy? I end up being tired and not enjoying Ryan as much as a mother should.



Strangely enough he just fell asleep, he's only been awake for not even 4 hours...usually he stays up for 6 hours straight. But then he only slept for 8 hours during the night...And I'm not complaining, I'm going to take him to bed and rest as well.



I just wish I could stay asleep.

Today is one of those days when I wish I didn't have to wake up.



I'm sitting here, devouring my breakfast while Ryan crawls around on the floor playing...Soon enough he'll call for me.



Starting today though I have to go back to my healthy habits... My bad diet is probably not helping my mood. I just need to stay motivated this time...



Yendor is resting after his night shift.



Another day, alone with Ryan, with nothing to do but stay at home playing or go out to the park... By ourselves.



Have I mentioned that I'm so fucking bored and lonely?



Sweden - 5 weeks left...



At least there I'll spend 2 weeks of feeling alive again.



Edit: It's raining so we can't even go out.

Noon = Nap time.



Ryan just fell asleep, we came back from being outside... He loves buses so I took him for a ride to Valletta and naturally ended up in Mothercare. I bought him a new toy and a pair of sneakers, he's outgrown all his shoes and he only has "pre-walker" shoes... He needed a good pair of shoes.



Now I have to prioritize right... What to do with these "free" 1-2 hours? The house desperately needs to be cleaned, my body is dying for many hours of rest, and my mom is probably worried because I haven't called her for days.



I'll probably clean or Yendor a.k.a. The Hulk will start complaining when he wakes up. He's as freaky when it comes to cleaning as my mom is... it scares me. Sometimes I swear I feel like I'm still living at home, nervously picking up stuff from the floor before mommy gets comes home.



And then, aha, you think Yendor would take the baby later and let me rest for an hour... Wrong! Ryan doesn't want to be with him. Well, he doesn't want to be with anyone really... All I hear is "mamma mamma mamma"...

Well... That's what happens when he's only used to me.



So I'm just gonna have to charge the extra batteries I don't have.



I'm not going to call my mom because it will trigger another "I'm so bored, I'm so lonely, I miss home" attack.



Anyway... Back to the point of my entry. Ryan is such a big boy... I mean, in size... It amazes me sometimes. The average shoe size of a 11 month old is 3, today I discovered he's a size 4... Little Bigfoot, that's what I'm going to call him. Then we have his head, it's always been much above average in size... Thanks to daddy. And not to mention his round little tummy! Which constantly puzzles me since he's never been a big eater... Yendor keeps saying we're blessed to have such a big boy, at least he won't be bullied in school...



Hmm it's already been 20 minutes... I better keep babbling tonight when he's dozed off.



Now it's cleaning time... *sighs all the way to Africa*

Ryan refuses his breakfast porridge...

He just wants to munch on his banana.

Sometimes even an orange or peach passes through his little mouth...



He went to sleep at 7 PM last night, which was unbelievable considering how little and late he usually sleeps.



Well... He woke up in the middle of the night and stayed up playing for 2 hours. Then he woke me up at 6 AM.



And he doesn't nap more than once a day for 1-2 hours...



Ahhh this is going to be a looooong day...

But I love him.



Why am I always the one who has to get up with him!?



I have only had one morning sleeping in since he was born, and that was when I was in Sweden in April.



Ha ha ha.

I don't know why people keep reading my journal, I just nag about the same things. I'm sick of myself.



So today was another day where I totally failed at being a good mother, bla bla. This morning I had a panic attack... I kept crying, shouting and begging Ryan to be quiet. Yendor was at work and I'm afraid I've scared this boy for life...I'm so unstable.



There are two things I desperately need, a shrink and my mom.

I'm sick of being tired and alone.



And I really, really miss my mom.

COMMENTS

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dabbler
02:24 Oct 02 2008

A single thing does not exist to relieve your anxiety, with that being said there are a a few things that together can help manage your anxiety. The first one, Surprise .. you have already done, and that is communicating about it. The second is in health maintenance, and the cool part is that this can be disguised as play time, and there for involve your bouncing bundle of joy. My neighbor found contact . Stretching with her child. a bonding half hour every day. Vitamin intake can be a benefit as well. I can actually tell when i am dipping in the vitamin levels.



Keep writing that is how others know they are not alone in this sometimes hectic planet.

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BubbleGumClaudia
04:37 Oct 03 2008

You don't need a shrink....you are doing what every mom does when she needs a break...I suggest asking yendor to watch ryan for a lil bit and either go for a walk or take a bubble bath and have a lil bit of wine and just relax and take the ease off...And if you don't feel like you can leave Ryan alone for a moment..put him in the stroller and go for a walk with him....it will get both of you fresh air and you some cooling off time.....and maybe you can take him to a park and let him crawl around somewhere and he can play with other kids



Again this is just a suggestion...



Message me if you want some advice or someone to talk to

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